Family

You ever feel like no matter what you do it isn't enough? Ever feel like the world is just pushing down on your shoulders and the world is just crumbling at your feet? Anyone? No, just me. A family situation has put me in a tough spot. Dealing with it after giving birth three months ago has made me feel lower than I should. I feel like if I don't share information it isn't enough or when I do share information it still isn't enough.

Family is meant to stick together. Whatever happened to that? Now a day's families fall apart, lose contact, or just simply don't stay in touch. I've run into that situation. I feel like the black sheep at times. Like the outcast that either isn't good enough to fit in or just trying too hard. Now that this issue has come up, I feel like I am constantly drowning. I know people die, I know hard decisions are going to be made but instead of coming together before a major incident and also soaking in the new information, it seems like no one tried or wanted to even try.

I never thought I'd have to go through this. Then finally when I ask for help they mention that it was what they were thinking of doing but failed to mention it when the conversation was brought up in the first place. Feels like I'm repeating myself no matter how much information I give. I feel like a sinking ship. Like no information is good enough or that I'm not explaining well.

Never thought I'd be facing this with another loved one I am close with. I can only be so strong, and my breaking point has arrived. Didn't think it would be so quick. Didn't think I'd last as long as I did. When they say deaths come in threes, well even though it isn't the end it sure feels like it has occurred. Like a pattern that just keeps circling you around the drain. A circle of never-ending decisions and choices needing to be made but all you want is a little peace and calm. Things eventually work out, within time it will all work it's self out. I dislike how impatient I am but know that it works out in the end.

It might just be the hormones plus all that is going on affecting my emotions, but I feel alone in this. No matter how many conversations I have with everyone. Feels like a sinking, sinking, sinking ship. Going deeper and deeper into the water. I've been wondering if this is all normal? Should I be feeling like I'm failing? I know I am far from perfect but also feel like I'm stepping on other's toes. Like I am walking on eggshells when I never asked certain measures to be put in place. I feel like my decisions aren't good enough and I know I shouldn't regret anything. I know that the choices I've made so far are for the best at this point, but it still doesn't stop those thoughts from lingering in the back of my mind. Feeling like a failure, like there is more I should have or could have done. Just overall feeling hopeless but I know better than that. I just allow the little voice in my head to let me think otherwise.

Don't take your family for granted. Take time out of your day to call or text. Let them know you can face anything together. Pull together so in an emergency it doesn't feel like all one person's fault. Overall, take care of each other. Don't let this world chew you up and spit you out. Family is who should always have your back no matter what you are facing. You should never end up ranting just like me because I am feeling confused, hurt, lost, etc. You should feel confident discussing anything with loved ones. Decisions should be made together. Being comforted and knowing that you aren't alone.

I'll learn from this experience, it will take time, but I will. My children will be brought up to put family first. To call or text a simple, "hello". Things will be put in place to keep all safe and prepared. We can't prepare everything, but we can try. In the end, it will all eventually work out. There is a finish line somewhere through all this. Don't give up hope, don't lose yourself like I slowly am. Learn from the experience. Be strong because you are stronger than you know.

Even if you aren't close with your family, friends are just as great. I've got a great group of ladies and a couple of great friends I know I can rely on. So even though my own family isn't close, I am close to others who I know I can vent to and even a few who have been down the same road and understand. Once you find those who are in it with you for the long haul or to receive nothing in return, then hold on to them. Surround yourself with people who are positive especially when you are facing tough decisions with your own family. You don't have to be blood-related to connect and have a bond with others. Just being able to know you aren't alone will help anyone navigate through tough situations.

I might be facing a tough decision at this moment, but it isn't impossible. I know that I will pull through and even if my own family doesn't stick together when it is all said and done, I know I have people I can call family who will be around. I am stronger than I know. Family means everything to me as it should to us all. I feel hurt that mine isn't as close as we should be. Moving forward it will be a goal for me, for my little family of three. Overall, blood-related or not, family is family and we should show love to one another. Be there for one another at the end of it all.