Establishing Boundaries

My biological father had resurfaced. I found myself emotional and overwhelmed by the situation.

Truthfully, he has been in and out of my life for as long as I can remember; just like my mother, he has played his part in the things I endured throughout my childhood. Despite the inconsistency I have always been patient with him and his ways, never really reacting to things that bothered me about his actions.

Every time either of my parents returned, I would become overwhelmed by the stress that comes with it. I never wanted them to feel what I felt, because shame and guilt stop us from thriving. I genuinely wanted them to move on from that, so I thought it was healthy to work through the turmoil on my own and attempting to provide them with closure.

One thing I had to fully acknowledge was that I was continuously doing the wrong thing. I allowed myself to mask the discomfort and stress of these relationships because I thought that it meant I was displaying forgiveness, unconditional love, and selflessness. However... I learned that by doing this, it caused me to never put up adequate boundaries with anyone.

After years of repeating the same cycle, I realized I couldn’t continue this facade. I was finally enervated.

On this particular day when I got this message I rolled my eyes in annoyance, because I wasn’t in the mindset of pleasing others for my own discomfort and I knew I would be more transparent than I wanted to be. It all started the same way it always does, the need for my sympathy and attention so that I would invest my time and efforts. Against my better judgement I did exactly what they wanted me to do. It was simple enough, to be kind and listen, but the way I used to handle this ruptured and I found myself bare.

My tone and demeanor expounded my frustration and hurt .... Yet somehow he was completely unfazed.

The apology for being inconsistent and then telling me what him and my mother did just made me a stronger woman. Those are my words... but hearing that from him as a way to rationalize everything upset me even more.

I found myself being defensive “but I’m human, I have feelings too and just because I’m strong doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt. “ To my disdain I have had to say this to my mother too.

When we got off the phone, I crumbled. Not because I wanted reconciliation, an apology, or even his concern.... The truth is that I didn’t want any of those things. I was mad at myself. Devastated that I was feeling disposable, worthless, and wondering why did I allow this.

Taking a step back from my immediate emotions, I realized that this situation is no longer about placating either of them. I needed to be honest, I knew I didn’t want to go through this again.

Based on the conversation I knew I couldn’t force him to understand and I still had no intent to hurt him. I let him know that I have standards and that if he can’t meet them then I wish him the best, but I’m not tolerating this anymore.  I knew that I could forgive and love from a distance without being self sacrificing.

Although, initially in how I presented it, giving an ultimatum was not how I wanted to get my point across. I didn’t make it clear to him what I was trying to discern at the time... I allowed him to choose what part he wanted to play, because my only standards were his biggest weaknesses... consistency, honesty, and selflessness.

I went into this worn out, but I was praying that I would finally get the emancipation I have wanted.

Thankfully, I did and through establishing those boundaries I got to the root of some major convictions.

The most valuable lesson in this is that I had a choice this entire time and as I continue to grow as a woman it is imperative for me to stand firm in my truth and who I am. I am free, but I was choosing to stay captive.

I was extremely hesitant to post this... I sat on it for months... as a matter of fact I wasn't going to post it at all and I stopped posting, because I felt it was too vulnerable. I was under the impression I was sharing too much of my truth that I did not want to hurt the people it was about.

But my journey & my story is my own.

I urge you to claim your freedom, and understand that vulnerability is a strength.

Much Love,

Brè Lee