Edensgate

I was punished today because I refused to make my bed when I was ordered to. After lessons, I was sent to The Birches with no dinner for “quiet time” where I was to reflect on my behaviour and read passages from the teachings. It was cold in The Birches. There was one long, narrow, dank, damp room, with rows upon rows of single, metal framed beds, all covered in rough, heavy grey blankets. Along one end, there were three desks. The windows were painted black, with imposing vertical iron bars fixed across them, leaving us in no doubt that the outside world was not available to us. This was where the disobedient were sent.

The passages I had to read were chosen for me by Minnie. She was my teacher. Minnie and Winston taught all the children at Edensgate. I had been instructed to write about what I had read in the context of my defiant behaviour and explain how I was not obeying my teachings, or the Edensgate religious order. I was in The Birches for five hours. I was tired when they allowed me to leave, my hands were hurting from all of that writing. Minnie took my books and my work away with her after sending me to my dormitory. I was told to go straight to sleep. No talking was permitted once lights were out.

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Some of the other children at Edensgate are nice to me but there is this one girl, Amari, who does not like me very much. She tells me I am adopted. That my mother never loved me enough to keep me and instead gave me away to Edensgate. I had been born bad and needed to be punished. The sins of my mother had been passed down to me in the womb, she said, and that I needed to be cleansed. My mind was filled with filth at birth as all bastards were. I told her she was a liar and there was no way she could possibly know that I was adopted. Amari smiled, and said there were files on everyone at Edensgate and that she had read mine. That was how she knew. She said the files were kept in Minnie’s office and the next time there was opportunity, she would show me where my file was. Amari thought she was so worldly and knew everything and it drove me crazy. Just for once it would be nice to prove her wrong, but I doubt she would ever admit it. I asked Amari if she was adopted too. She said “yes”, she was. She was an orphan and had started her life with her grandparents, but they had struggled to take care of her and decided to put her up for adoption. Amari was seventeen.

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I get to leave the grounds once or twice a month, if I am lucky and only under supervision of an older child. I am fortunate that most times they place with Amari and she is very inattentive. I can give her the slip while she is talking to boys, or smoking behind the corner shop. Amari does not care much for Edensgate and their rules at all, but she is a wonderful actress. No one there suspects she is not fully on their side and that is the way Amari likes it, she is a survivor. Amari is also my fixer in here. Whatever I need, Amari can get for me. The only problem is, Amari is not very committed to helping others, only herself. Sometimes she will bring me gifts, to make my life more comfortable, such as a book, a pen, a doll and other times she will steal my things, or worse, she will break them. Amari has no reason to behave the way she does, but she says she does it to me because it is “too easy”. Amari also tells me I am gullible. I believe anything she tells me. She has spun me a few yarns now, and I always fall for it. I tell her that I do not understand why she criticises me for believing her. Surely this is a strength. To assume that people are lying to me would be a very sad way to live. Amari tells me life is sadness. That I should get used to it or I will be living in a world of perpetual disappointment. I didn’t really understand what she meant by that, but I was afraid to ask her to explain. Amari has a temper.

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I have not always lived here at Edensgate. My adoptive parents, Harry and Maeve moved here when I was seven years old. Before that, my life was different. I had been very ill all my childhood, since I was a baby when I had my first seizure. I had a lot of health problems and was in and out of hospital a lot. I was hardly ever at school, so my parents decided to home school me, then to give me social skills they became involved with Edensgate and once my health issues began to ease, as I grew out of them, we moved here.

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I would very much like my mother to come get me and take me home with her. I don’t really like it here. The people are very strict with me and I seem to be forever being punished. I don’t know why they see me as such a bad person. Amari tells me I am just a normal little girl. She can be nice sometimes. Other times she says mean things to me. Sometimes she sings to me.

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The bad dreams came again. I never know when they will come but when they do I wake up frozen, unable to move. It feels as though someone is holding me down, but no one is there. Once it passes I am left sitting in the dark, scared and alone. I remember when I was small, I had my parents to comfort me after a nightmare. Until I was taken away from my home and adopted, that is. That was when everything I knew changed. I miss my home, or what little I can remember about it now. I was seven years old when I left, and it feels so hazy to me now. Everything is starting to fade. Every day I try to remember my home, and cling on to the memories, to try to make them stay. I feel them slipping away and the idea that one day I might not remember makes it difficult for me to breathe. I must believe that my home is still there, waiting for me. I just need to find my way back to it, or they need to find me.