Do lover 30 years, want him to buy a house to make love together

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I am 70 years old, medium size, coordinates in the central province prefecture-level city, poor parents divorced, no education is now retired, hard-working character, thrifty family, introverted, social fear.

My husband after 60 years, a few years older than me, not as good as I look, height is ok, then transferred to his father state-owned enterprises, general staff, impatient personality, emotional instability speak hurtful, a little arrogant.

He, let me call him L, is similar in age and good in appearance. He is my husband's colleague. He is gentle, practical and ambitious.

When I was 20 years old, I met my husband at a party with friends. At that time, he had worked for several years and had some social experience. He had been in love for several years and even lived together to talk about marriage. We were renting, and my mom was anxious and wanted me to settle down soon.

My husband's family are in state-owned enterprises, although they are general workers, but better than my home conditions, my mother also agreed. But we didn't get along, we didn't get along, we fought and broke up many times, even before the wedding. My husband speaks very hurtful, feel that he has been looking down on my family. I cried the night before I got married, inexplicably sad, feel this is not the marriage I want. Even sitting on the wedding car are not married joy, but a kind of tragedy!

After marriage, she lived with her husband's family, and there were many conflicts. We had a small bedroom, no closet for clothes, and it was very basic.

In order to make a living, my husband and I opened a small shop. In order to prove their worth, my husband and I did not eat idle meals, and I was cautious and conscientious. We did not have the sweet love of newlyweds, but like partners at the beginning of a business. During this period, I got to know L, chatted with him occasionally, and gradually got acquainted with him.

At that time, L was sunny and handsome, single and had no love experience. My love for L has never changed from appreciating to liking to admiring. I feel that L also like me, at that time he saw my eyes bright with a smile on the face, I will always remember! But meet is not married.

In fact, my husband at that time wanted to divorce, he thought that life with me is too hard to look forward to, and then find a life of comparable conditions more comfortable, and I also want to divorce with L together, but I married L unmarried, L can not withstand the pressure of public opinion. I love L and don't want to embarrass him. This is my hard wound and I have no choice!

The outcome is that the husband did not find a better, or better unwilling to marry him, can only continue to tie up shop with me to make money. I'm not divorced, I work hard to make money, and I occasionally date L. The days are so divided, although I know no results, but still lust for a trace of tenderness.

A year later, L blind date, love, honeymoon, during this period I do not want to mention the suffering of grief, life truly understand what is empty heart, heartbreak, heartache! The heart is empty to the five viscera and six viscera images do not exist, bending down can fold themselves up; Broken heart to the heart like being knocked to hear the sound of glass landing; Heartache to often arms folded tightly embrace themselves afraid of falling apart. Taking sleeping pills to sleep, I lost 20 pounds, down to less than 100 pounds, the lowest weight of my adult life.

During our disconnection, L enjoyed his sweet go, my pain I suffered.

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Finally, L's life events were settled, and after the passion subsided, L called me back. I cried in front of L, and they were together again.

At this time, our shop caught up with the general environment to earn some money, we renovated the house, have our own small home, living conditions are much better. My relationship with my husband is still not harmonious.

L and I have dated from time to time, but he is not as convenient or as warm to me as he used to be when he was unmarried, and I am growing attached to him. L and I are similar in temperament. When the disappointment reached a certain extent and hurt my heart, I would not talk to him again. At that time, I was young and did not know how to communicate and had low EQ, and would not contact him for several months or even one or two years.

When L was 30 years old, he decided to have a child. I felt his indifference and estrangement. At that time, I was in my 30s and my husband was old. I did not want to divorce from my heart, not because I loved my husband, but because I had L in my heart. Even if L was gone in my life, I could not accept other people. Since there's no divorce plan, let's keep the status quo. I need the marriage jacket. I broke my wings and gave up the chance of rebirth.

When I get old and my feelings are empty, I really want to have a child of my own, which is not only a family member but also the sustains, so that I can rekindle the hope and motivation of life. I need him to rely on me, and I can experience being loved, needed and valued in this process! So L and I had a baby and didn't bother each other.

The birth of my child has brought a lot of happiness to my life, and my relationship with my husband has improved through shared parenting. I hear L is doing well, too.

By the time my child entered kindergarten, I had been out of touch with L for four or five years. I thought about him in the meantime, but I restrained myself.

Later, due to a mutual acquaintance, L and I crossed paths again. We didn't have a big problem, and the bitterness of the long time ago has dissipated, and more importantly, I think he had some concerns before I was married and he gave up, so we got back together.

At this point in the cycle, my relationship with my husband is lukewarm, and L and I have been together and apart.

My husband is generally capable but very arrogant. He looks down on me and my family in his heart. He always says that I am a citizen. I have been diligent and frugal for many years, running the family shop and earning money to support myself and my children. My husband alone can't do that. Of course, my husband has also contributed to the family. But my husband still beat me to abandon me in my bones!

L was promoted to the middle level after hard work and had a business outside. The economy was much better than my family. However, there was no economic overlap between us, and he did not give me anything.

I had told him when he was single that I wanted him to buy a small house as a place for us to talk. The truth is that I want to have a home with him, a home in my heart. I knew he wouldn't marry me. He said yes and he said no. He had enough ability, but he didn't want to do anything for me. He did a lot for his mother-in-law and gave his other half good material conditions to enjoy life. I don't know if he loves me or just wants to keep things cheap.

At that time, I was still emotionally and rationally attached to L. I just tried him a little and said I would borrow 100,000 yuan from him as an investment. As a result, he not only did not borrow the play, but also made up excuses. When I looked him in the eye and he lied to me, I had the peace of mind to know it had to end.

This time we separated for more than ten years, he contacted me, but I do not want to see you again in this life.

In these 10 years, my children have become my whole life, and I have devoted myself to parenting. My husband was still full of sex, and from the time I got pregnant until the kids grew up, we were practically sexless, just co-parenting.

I want to forget about L, try to contact other people, but unless the mountain is not a cloud, then live alone!

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As I grow older, my thinking and cognition gradually change, and I seem to understand some of L's practices towards me.

People are selfish, will instinctively seek advantages and avoid harm, I was to him or an outsider, he was born poor on their own to build a family naturally look very heavy, itself is not the atmosphere, and I was considerate of him in real life can not marry me, but think he is willing to marry me in the heart, to me is recognized, I should enjoy some rights.

Unfortunately, this may be wishful thinking on my part. Selfish and selfish collision, instinct to meet their own priority.

When L finally contacted me again, I was still in tears. I know I still have him in my heart; I know, I never forgot him; I know, I still want him!

We are both in our thirties, nearly 30 years after we first got together! We all cherish each other more, I treat him gently, heart to communicate, no longer like before stuffy sound for gas, to unbearable when negative gas explosion; He was willing to reciprocate, giving me good emotional value, but also paying real money, you know, he was a very dull person, not very generous.

Middle-aged girl I tasted the feeling of happiness.

But the problem remained. I still wanted him to fund a home for our relationship, a home that didn't need much of a place, and he still wouldn't agree. He said there was an old house that they used to live in, but I didn't agree either. I didn't want him to date a place where other people lived. Yes, I thought in my heart that he belonged to me and that his other half was someone else, no matter how legitimate it was.

Love to the depths of people lonely, and the older the more need for warmth and company, and L can not give. He is still a good husband and father, occasionally together, to the time refused to go, each time let me feel abandoned again, to feel sad lost for several days.

This internal conflict is so excruciating that sometimes I make excuses not to see each other so as not to feel so painful.

I once asked if L would marry me, he said no; Asked if he would give us a base to carry our feelings, he also said not for the time being.

Well, then, we're old men and women, and we walk around like ghosts? Since I can't, I just drive around, talk in the car, make out occasionally. This situation occasionally experience is emotional appeal, long-term experience feeling is not good at all. I just don't feel valued or respected.

When I was young, I occasionally opened a room outside. At that time, I was young and did not feel bitter. I had hope and vision in my heart. Now the social environment has changed, it is not safe to get a room and time is limited. Besides, age and psychology also need a stable place to feel at ease. But he did not cooperate, I feel that I am in his heart value is low, not worthy of it!

In the dead of night I often reflect and reflect on the first half of my life. When I married my husband did not stop the loss in time, and because of life forced to open a shop and bind deeper, to have a certain savings of age and older people in the heart too lazy to toss about, so there was a marriage, in fact, now looking back that is the best divorce period. After having a child, everything is involuntarily, and the choice is to bear. I am a child from a single parent family, and I suffer deeply from it. How can I raise my child?

Here I am, with grown children who don't need me as much, and a relationship that is more sour and cold than ever. It's like I'm back to where I used to be when I wanted to have kids, hopeless, helpless, lost, no attachment, no focus. Fortunately, I realized that the children were old and the most important part of parenting had been accomplished. I decided to get a divorce, make peace with each other, and give myself and the father a different life.

And then what? Where do I go from here? I love L and want to spend time with him, but he obviously doesn't love me as much as I love him. Such as the law of acceptance, I a female, no strength no choice force helpless; For example, Ah Q method, I love him and he happened to give me a response, also can be considered. But, in any case, I was becoming more and more unbalanced, more and more consumed with anxiety, despair, fear!

Besides, how am I supposed to get along with L after divorce? Do we still get along? Keep going. Chances are I'll end up alone and he'll land safely at home. As you said, consensual relationships between men and women may seem fair but they are unfair. Women bear more of the burden, and the hidden cost is greater. And L there is no big giving enough to balance my heart.

L doesn't know I'm getting a divorce yet. I just want to let him know the result when it's done.

If I don't continue, my sunk costs are huge. All these years, I have been focusing on him. At my age and current situation, who should I look for? Not very likely. At least L and I have some old feelings. But I also want to have the feelings in the sun together.

Whether inside or outside marriage, hold down half life, how to live the rest of life? I sincerely hope to get your advice and suggestions. Thank you very much!

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Number master reply

I've urged you to read Kazuo Inamori's book, and if you don't, make sure you know one of his formulas:

The result of life = way of thinking × passion × ability

How important the way of thinking is to the outcome of life!

The heroine's experience seems to confirm this point.

The heroine has a very wrong way of thinking. She is self-centered and does not think in other people's shoes. She only starts from "I want" and "I want", takes "I pay" as the means and "he should" as the lever to achieve her goals.

As a result, 30 years of "wanting" and "wanting" failed.

This kind of thinking, in China more than a hundred years ago, if you had men with power, then "you want" and "you want" could be successful. But as human society has progressed, starting in the West, it has changed dramatically around human rights --

Under the legal framework, everyone has the right to choose his own way of life.

Men have it, women have it.

For the sake of being more aware of feminism, I might say this:

Women have it, men have it.

Yes, you should always remember that men have the right to choose their own lifestyle, and have the right to leave a relationship that is not legally binding.

Only when you deeply understand that both men and women have the same choice will you learn to think from the other person's point of view instead of just looking at your own interests: what does he need and what can I provide? What is the benefit to him, what is the effect of what I ask of him? Why would he do what I asked?

Thinking from the needs and interests of the other person is the most basic way of thinking that adults need to have. Without this ability to think, fifty is fifteen.

And if you think about it in this way, you'll understand.

The hero has someone who loves his family. Why would he want to destroy this person? In fact, people get along very well with their wife. The wife is like Wuchang rice and Hetao white steamed bread. The staple food tastes delicious. What about you? It's like a snack, Lay's chips, you know, you're talking about turning it around, destroying people, for one thing, but more importantly, is it going to be as good with you as it is with my wife? Even if he could, he couldn't change it. He and his wife are proven, you are unproven. Who would take the risk? Are you stupid?

So whether you are divorced or not depends on your own balance with your husband, he is 100 percent impossible to marry you, and, there is 80 percent of the possibility, you divorced he will leave you.

Why? A gentleman does not stand under a dangerous wall, wearing shoes afraid of bare feet, if you rely on, the rest of their lives will be ruined.

When you say you want him to buy you guys a place to date, it's like, you know, eating potato chips, and you need to spend $100,000 on it? How stupid would that be!

Honestly speaking, in your 30-year relationship, you need him more than he needs you. When it is you who need it more, you ask people to pay a lot of money. To put it in plain English, you always want to make people look stupid!

Always want to let people when stupid X, finally must be their own stupid X. Because there is only one stupid X, he is not appropriate, only you when.

Another name for stupid is self-righteousness.

Actually, you were wrong the first time. Marriage, there is a legal guarantee, you do not have a good business, for a long time and scold, and do not leave and complain, this way of thinking, with who will not be happy.

No legal protection, people in front of the life of the adjustment product, but you hold with unlimited expectations, junior high school political class said, things to catch the main aspects, secondary aspects are attached to the main aspects, extramarital affairs are attached to the marriage, as if hair is long on the skin, the skin does not exist, hair will exist how?

I'll tell you exactly what he knows and thinks about you: you're just right for a lover, and even if he's single and you're single, he can't marry you because he's already decided that you wouldn't make a good wife.

If I were to judge, I'd say you'd only have a 50-50 chance of being a good wife. Your relationship doesn't have to be all about your husband.

Numerous facts have proved that after the age of 50, a man's need for sex becomes less and less. He attaches more and more importance to his family and wife, because he needs to spend his old age with his wife, the happiness of his family and grandchildren, and the pleasure of visiting the beautiful rivers and mountains of the motherland. Can these two pleasures be with you? Doesn't it matter that you're still around? And you 30 years, people now want to wipe their ass, but also take the initiative to bury a thunder? Give your wife the hard evidence? And by making you comfortable, won't you be more dependent on him for the rest of your life? You think about it, he wants you like a ping pong ball, or want you like a sugar, the answer is not obvious?

He was never the savior of your marriage, he was the placebo of your marriage. Your life of "bad marriage + affair" for the last 30 years was your choice. Don't blame others. Next, you want a divorce, you leave, except for you and your husband, no one. After separation, you want to have a relationship with who you go to fight, the result depends on the will of both sides; If someone doesn't want to be with you, that's their right. If you can live like this in the future, it will be called transparent.

~end~

If you have any ideas, feel free to leave them in the comments section.

~This is Antoine, and I hope you find pleasure in each of my articles~