Digital Death of a Marriage

I died today. Had the life sucked clean out of me once and for all. It was a bittersweet passing. On one hand I was screaming in agony for the life I was leaving behind. And on the other hand I couldn’t surge forward fast enough for the new path ahead of me.

Oh I am still “living” but I had become a mere shell of a human. My life revolved around the monotonous schedule of all mothers: meals, laundry, cleaning, errands, diaper duty…the list is endless. The squishy kisses and giggles and hugs were the equivalent of recharging my batteries. However, all the constant nagging and bickering and disrespect had numbed me to the point of full on PTSD coma. And that was just my kids. My husband, my partner, my “equal”…he is the one that can claim the “kill shot”. He is highly intelligent and well respected in his professional circles. He’s an ok dad most of the time and he’s fun to be with when it’s just us without the kidlets scampering about being kids and irritating him. But where he’s over the top intelligent, he lacks charm and a natural social ease and nurturing fun spirit with our family we have created over the years. While he's living the high life with me as his personal Cinderella, I’m feeling suffocated with responsibility and no outside outlet for frustration. I used to be vibrant and full of spunk! Somewhere along the 10 years of motherhood and wifehood, my glow dimmed. I no longer recognize the woman looking back at me from the mirror. What I want is my career back that I left behind to become a stay home mom. I had respect, clout, power, travel, friends, HAPPY HOURS! But that path is no longer viable to me. And in the midst of pondering my future, the “kill shot” is delivered: while finagling with a temperamental washing machine while my dear husband decided he needed a nap instead, he tells me if I “service” him it could earn me a much needed hair appointment. And that was sent to me via text! So much for careless whispers of sweet nothings in my ear, huh? This guy just won the freakin Emmy for daytime digital dialogue deliveries! Wtf?!

My laid back, turn the other cheek, take-it-in-the-gut demeanor snapped. I fired back via text “find yourself a new mechanic, I quit!”. And followed that text up with a quick SOS text to my BFF – “my 10 year drought is over…we’re goin out TONIGHT chica!!”. Without a second thought I marched past my husband and announced I was going out and he had kid duty…didn’t know when I’d be back, but don’t wait up. His face was priceless! He was speechless…just laid there and sputtered. I hadn’t gone out dancing or to a happy hour in 10 years. Well, Mr. Charming, Mama’s done with the mundane and ready to shake it up! Time to put on the dancing shoes and head out for a night on the town!

I cleared the dinner dishes and tucked all my precious babies into their warm and loving beds. Shared bedtime stories and sweet goodnight kisses…all with a steady increase in my adrenaline and blood pressure. What was I doing?! Going out?! I don’t go out! I’m a boring old mom. I’m good for keeping our castle and its inhabitants clean, well fed, safe and secure. But no one ever made a change without breaking free of a constrictive mold. Time to shed my cocoon and step forward as the mature 2.0 version of my former self. And I was gonna do this with a healthy dose of alcohol and laughter with my BFF!