Death is a friend of mine

“I had done this a thousand times, well quite a bit more than a thousand but who’s counting, and this time would be no different. It’s just something that has to be done and there is dignity to it. That day I went to comfort an old friend, to ease his pain and grant him that reunion he had been aching for. That has always been my favorite part, the end. It’s a way to wrap it all up. That’s what everyone is looking for, the happy ending. All of the best stories have a happy ending, unfortunately the happiness is reserved for the protagonist. In fact most support characters dread the big end, but every one knows when its time to run those credits.

I don’t concern myself with anyone but the star, that’s who I’m there for. When the time comes for me to help with the end I will be there. Most of the time they are happy to see me. People don’t know how to wrap up their story; its not easy when you only have one shot at the perfect ending to a lifelong story. So when they finally call for me I rush to their side. I will always be there for those souls that need me, and I can always sense someone in need. This story starts on a day like any other. A weary soul surrounded by love and sorrow. There was something different this time.”

The waves rolled in and out as if they were fighting over who got to shore first. The turquoise water looked like glass in stark contrast to the black sand. Evi dug her toes into the sand and looked up at the fluffy white clouds hanging heavily in the cerulean sky. It was perfect she took a deep breath in and could smell the salt in air, “mmm”. It was a beautiful dream just a beach and an umbrella. She reached for her drink and looked up at the gulls flying overhead. “I need a real vacation” As she took a sip of the cool, sweet drink she heard an awful sound, “EEH EEH EEH”. It started off sounding like a gull but then just kept going, repetitive and obnoxious, “EEH EEH EEH”. As she slowly reached her arm out of the warm blankets and silenced the alarm that had taken her away from the beach and brought her back to reality. Just as she tried to cover her head again, she heard a purring and knew it was time to get up. “Okay Crash I’m up, lets get breakfast” this seemed to make him happy, the idea of food make his eyes light up. Crash was an unusually large black cat with odd-eyes one was green and the other blue. Evi hadn’t been looking for a cat, the concept of another living thing to keep alive wasn’t appealing and by the state of her house plants probably not a great idea. After the night she found him, she decided that fate brought them together and she didn’t mind having someone who was excited when she came home. Crash got his name from his lack of grace. Where cats were known for their grace, Crash was more like a bull in a china shop.

They made their way to the kitchen. Evi gave Crash his breakfast and put the coffee on. “What a shit day” she thought looking out the window at the rain and sleet coming down. It was a typical November day in Pittsburgh, the weather was unable to decide what it wanted to be so it tried it all in the same day. Piles of brown and grey snow bordered the streets and the grey clouds had no silver linings. “Time to get to work” she said out loud to no one in particular. Evi poured another cup of coffee and retreated to her work space. It was just a corner of the apartment but it had everything she needed. She stood there for a moment wondering where to begin. Evi was a talented artist of many trades but she was also a habitual procrastinator. As she looked around the corner at all of the things that she had started, she tried to see what she “felt” like working on. The canvas looked pathetic and in need of the most attention, so she decided to start there. She walked over and sat her cup down on the edge of the crowded table beside the canvas. “Ok, what are we doing here?”

Evi got lost in her work and lost track of time. This is when Crash decided enough was enough, it was time for a break and some belly rubs. At first Evi didn’t even notice the 15 pound feline loaf but after he started climbing her body and canvas, there was no ignoring him. “OK, ok, I get it. Break time. I need something besides coffee anyway. They both made their way to the kitchen. Crash purred and rubbed on Evi’s legs as he cross crossed between them. She searched the cupboards, trying not to trip over the 15 pound mobile obstruction moving around her feet. “How does tuna sound for lunch?” Crashes eyes lit up when he heard the word tuna, Evi couldn’t help but laugh a little. Just then her phone started to ring. “Mom’s calling us, hold on” she said as she answered the phone. “Hey, Mom what’s up?” Mom started talking before she even finished her sentence, “your grandpap was asking about you today, he wants to know when you’re visiting this week...you know he wont be with us much longer” Evi hated when her mom would say things like that. Italian moms love using guilt as a motivation. It was effective, but there are definitely better ways to get what you want. “Well, mom I was planning on coming up tomorrow, I have a little bit of work to get done today and I’m not sure what time I’ll be done.” She clamped the can opener down as she finished the sentence and it let out a “ssss” as the seal broke. When Crash heard the sound he went crazy. “Evi you work from home, you can make time.” Mom had the tone in her voice that said “you know you’re going to do it, so stop arguing”. Evi sighed as she tried to keep Crash from climbing her legs. There was no point in fighting it, “Okay, let me clean up and I’ll be on the way.” Mom’s tone changed instantly Evi could almost feel her mom beaming from this victory, “good girl, see you soon” Mom said as she hung up.

Evi gave Crash his Tuna and made herself a sandwich, both quietly ate their lunch with nothing but the sounds of chewing breaking up the silence. Evi enjoyed the silence. Before she had Crash she’d go most of the day without talking. She even wondered if she could forget how to talk at all, “use or you lose it” she thought. All that changed when Crash came into her life. Crash made sure she got up every day and interacted with him. When she got up he would walk around meowing until she responded to him. There were days when it was a bit annoying but she had become accustomed to it. Now, she found herself waiting for it every day. She started to understand the corny “who rescued who” bumper stickers she saw, Crash had come into her life at the perfect time, almost serendipitous. She sighed as she finished her sandwich, “ugh, well I guess I should get ready to go”. Crash looked up at her licked his lips and continued to eat. “Enjoy your lunch and nap, you big ball of fur” She said as she walked to the bathroom to get ready to go.

As she walked outside to get in her car she felt a breeze. As it passed through her body she could feel tears well up in her eyes. It felt “like a hug and smelled like her grandmothers perfume”. “I’m crying at a breeze, that’s just stupid” she thought as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “So stupid”. She got in the car and took a deep breath, “I should’ve stayed inside today”. As she pulled up to the hospice she looked around to see if she knew any of the cars that were there. Evi hoped that someone would be outside so she wouldn’t have to walk in alone. That was the worst feeling, walking in alone looking like a lost soul in this mausoleum of science cloaked in compassion. No one was outside, “room 226, room 226” Evi repeated in her head hoping she wouldn’t forget and have to go the the desk or stop someone and ask. As she neared the room she saw her cousin walk out and go up the hall. Evi took another deep breath, “ok, time to go” she said as she entered the room. Evi instantly felt the heaviness in the room, the sadness and pain, but there was also a glimmer of relief and hope. Evi greeted every family member as she walked in and made her way to Grandpap. She leaned down and kissed his cool cheek and smiled as she leaned back, “how you feeling today, grandpap?, they taking care of you here?” He smiled back weakly “its okay, can’t recommend the food. How you been? Your mom said you have been busy?” Evi smiled again, “Just trying to get a few things done, but I’m never too busy for you.” His smile brightened up and as they continued talking she could see how much his light had faded. She could see the sadness in his eyes, the dullness of that spark of life in his eyes. It had been there since her grandmother passed, her passing had affected them all but none as much as her grandfather.

Just then a nurse walked in, “good afternoon Joe and family.” Evi was surprised how much her grandfather seemed to perk up when his nurse walked in, “Hey Greg, you here all night?” Greg smiled, “yeah, you got me all night Joe, mind if I get your vitals real quick. I promise I’ll leave you and your family alone for a bit” Grandpap sat up a bit, “of course, but you don’t have to run out when you’re done. I got some really good food they brought me, way better than the crap we have in here. You are welcome to some.” Greg smiled again and looked around at everyone, taking in the smells of food as he did. “I just might have to take you up on that Joe”. He walked over to the bed and started to put his stethoscope on. Evi asked him if he needed her to move. Greg looked down at Evi, “You can stay right there, I think you are right where you need to be”, he said with a cheerful smile. When he smiled at Evi she felt both comforted and overwhelmed at the same time. There was something about Greg that she couldn’t quite place; he didn’t feel the same as any one else she had ever met. As soon as the thought entered her mind she could feel it slowly slip away until she was left staring blankly at the floor while Greg started checking Grandpa’s vitals. Everyone was quiet while Greg checked and noted Grandpa's vital signs, they waited until he gave a warm smile and took off the stethoscope. As soon as he finished, the food came out. It all smelled so good, Greg said he couldn’t wait to try everything at least once, and that’s exactly what he did.

It got late and everyone started to leave at their own pace. Evi stuck around because she had a feeling that soon she’d be happy she did. She noted that she felt uneasy since earlier, but she wasn’t sure why. When Evi finally left she gave grandpap a kiss and told him she’d be back soon. Grandpap smiled and told her “don’t worry about coming out too much, I know you have things to do. I’m not going anywhere.” Evi smiled at her grandpap, “I’ll see you tomorrow, I love you.” As she walked out of the room she passed Greg in the hallway, he smiled and nodded as she went by, “see you tomorrow.” Evi looked up, and attempted to smile back, “yeah, have a nice night” she said flatly as she returned her gaze back to the floor.

As she walked to her car she tried to shake that uneasy feeling, she thought back on her favorite memories. She smiled and thought it would be nice to have grandpap tell her some stories, he was always so happy when he relived the past. After all, that’s where the love of his life still resided. “Tomorrow will be great” she said to herself, “I just need some sleep, it will all be better tomorrow.” You know what they say about the plans of mice and men.

As she slept that night, her dreams brought her no comfort. She dreamt that she was looking for her grandfather, she was panicking and searching along a lone road in the woods. She couldn’t tell if it was dawn or dusk, everything was cast in a twilight glow. She spotted him on the side of the road and went to his side. “Grandpap, we’ve been looking everywhere for you, its time to come home”, he laid there shaking, when he looked up at her he told her he couldn’t go back home. She tried to convince him to come home and he responded “I’m so sorry, I can’t get back home now” Evi woke up in a cold sweat. She looked around the dark room trying to find something to separate the dream from reality. The room was dimly lit by the TV that she had left on when she fell asleep and could see Crash sitting by her legs looking right at her. He nodded his head and blinked his eyes at her as if asking, “You okay?”. “It’s okay buddy, I’m fine It was just a bad dream.

She looked at the clock, “4am?, I don’t know if I can go back to sleep if I tried.” Crash came up to comfort her, as she was petting his soft fur she decided it was time to get up. “I’ll get some work done, and call Mom in a few hours. I have to visit Grandpap today”. Evi was drawn into her painting, it felt like a dream she just kept going, adding paint and letting the brush flow over the canvas. As she continued painting half asleep it began to take form and she was curious to see where it would take her. She sat back a little to take it all in, “is that a face?” A face was taking form on her canvas, out of the darkness there was a familiar face. “Ive seen that face before—or something like it, but I just cant place it.”

She stared at the painting, trying to remember where she had seen it. Just then the phone rang. “Mom , I had the worst dream...” but Mom cut her off, “Evi, your grandpap has taken a turn for the worse.” Evi felt her heart sink, “The doctors said there’s nothing they can do now but make sure he’s comfortable” Mom said. Moms voice was different, she sounded defeated, broken, not like her usual self. “ There’s not enough time now, come as soon as you can” the only thing Evi could get out was a weak “okay”. As she hung up she felt the whole world sink, and everything was crushed under the weight of this terrible new reality that had manifested overnight. She sat on the floor like a marionette who’s strings had snapped sending her flopping to the ground. Crash came over and looked at her, as she started to cry he licked her hand and let out a cooing sound. Evi looked at him as he sat staring at her. “Why, is this happening now? I just saw him? I don’t think I am ready for this...”as Evi started to cry she could feel the air leave her chest and the weight of the world press with all its might against her body, crushing her until she couldn’t move. As Evi lay on the floor wallowing in her sorrow, resigning herself to this new existence she felt the vibrations from Crash purring against her side. As Evi focused on the rhythm of Crash’s purring she could feel her heart beat stop fluttering and her breathing slow along with the rhythm of Crash's purr. He let out a small sound and leaned harder against her. As her fingers combed through his thick fur she could feel the weight lift off her chest. She wiped her eyes and looked at him, “thank you”. He looked at her, meowed, then looked over his shoulder at the door. “you’re right, I have to go. Mom said she there’s no time.” She fed Crash, got dressed and ran out the door.

When Evi got to the hospital, she could see most of her family was there. She walked up to the first group that was outside. They hugged, they comforted each other and tried to bring light into the otherwise dark world that they were all trapped in. “Is everyone else already inside?” She asked. Her cousin looked at her and nodded, “yeah we just needed a minute before we go in.” Evi tried to smile but her face just looked more worried, “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for this, I’m going to go in. See you in there”. As she walked the hallways to his room, trying to get her thoughts together she couldn’t help but be reminded of her dream. “He said he can’t come home” she thought, “I guess I know what that means now”. When she got close she saw people walking in and out of Grandpa's room. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and stepped into the doorway. Evi stood in the doorway for what felt like forever, she scanned the room. It was like watching everything playing out on a screen. Most of her family was already there. She looked at her Grandfather, the man that was always so strong, and he looked like he wasn’t even there. It wasn’t him there in the bed, it looked like him, but his eyes looked vacant. Her mom and aunts and uncles were sitting by the bed. Some were sobbing, some were fighting with the pillows and trying to make grandpa more comfortable-this was more for them than for him. Just then, mom looked up at her.

The show was over, Evi was no longer an observer. Mom’s eyes were red and Evi could see that she had been crying for hours. “Evi, you’re here” mom sounded like she was relieved to see Evi. “I got here as fast as I could, Mom, I’m so sorry” she said as she walked over to Mom and embraced her. She could feel her sobbing, all she could do was offer condolences and a warm hug. Mom looked back at grandpa, “I’m not sure how much time we have left...I tried to ask him if he needed anything....he just won’t respond to us, Oh Evi, I knew it was close but I’m not ready” Evi looked at her mother, she seemed so innocent and so afraid in this moment. There isn’t really anything to say in a time like this, so Evi grabbed hold of her mom and wrapped her in an embrace that she hoped would help where words couldn’t. It seemed to help a little, she could feel her moms breathing even out, Mom leaned back, straightened up as best she could and wiped her face, “We are still waiting for the priest.” She sniffled, “A few people have brought food, if you’re hungry. It’s across the hall in the recreation room. You look like you haven’t eaten.” Evi nodded, “Okay, do you need anything?” Evi asked, but mom had already returned to her father’s side.

As Evi crossed the hall she saw Greg standing in the doorway of another room. Evi could see that he was talking to someone but she couldn’t see the other person. “That is a beautiful dress Aggie, I’m sure everyone will love it.” Evi’s curiosity got the best of her; she tried her best to get an angle on the room as she walked past. Greg seemed larger somehow, he took up most of the doorway, but Evi could just barely see who he was talking to. There was a small old woman with him, she was very small and frail, but she looked very happy as she twirled like a child in her dress. “How sad”, thought Evi “she must have dementia. At least she’s happy.” As Evi entered the recreation room she realized that she was definitely not hungry, so she got some coffee and stood there for a few minutes staring at the “home furnishings” the hospice mistakenly thought would make it feel less like a mausoleum. Even the furniture looked like the plastic, sterilized version of it’s real world counterparts. It felt like a dollhouse where everything looked real as long as you squinted you eyes and tilted your head ever so slightly. The room started to feel overwhelming and Evi felt the urge to return to her reality, no matter how bad it might be.

Evi walked back across the hall staring at her coffee. “She has no living relatives, her preparations were already made..whoa...excuse me!” Evi jumped back to reality when she was almost run over by an occupied gurney from the Amidone Funeral Home. “Oh my God, I am so sorry. I didn’t see you” Evi could feel her face flush with embarrassment. Just then Greg stepped out of the room from behind the gurney. He looked down at Evi and smiled. His smile was comforting this time. “It’s not your fault Evi. Dahvi should watch where he is going with Ms. McCorrick. The morticians assistant grimaced. Greg continued, “This patient has already passed, she is no longer in a hurry.” Evi looked into the room past the gurney, it was empty. “No, really its okay. I wasn’t watching where I was going.” She said blandly. She paused for a moment and asked “Where did that lady in the dress go? The one you were just talking to, wasn’t this her room?”

Greg seemed surprised at the question. He had wondered if this girl knew she had seen an apparition, but he quickly decided that he needed time to figure this out before tipping his hand. He looked down at Evi calmly,“ the patients here have a habit of wandering around a bit. Most of them are friends and enjoy visiting each other. We used to tell them to stay in their beds, for their safety, but this is hospice and to deny them friendship would be cruel. You understand, right?” Evi felt a bit embarrassed, she felt sure she had seen something, but now all she could feel was her face turning red. “Yeah, that makes sense” she said as she nervously twirled her hair then brushed it behind her ear. “I better get back, sorry I got in your way” she said as she smiled at Dahvi. Dahvi was dumbfounded, in his profession he didn’t have many opportunities to interact with the living. Most of his conversations were one sided. As he tried to think of something before Evi was gone he blurted out “uh....yeah, you too”. Greg smiled as Davi winced at the stupidity of his reply. ‘Dahvi=0 living girl=1’ he thought to himself. As Evi walked away Greg began to wonder to himself, ‘how did she see Ms. McCorrick’s passing?, I didn’t sense anyone peering through the veil. Even now her energy has not changed. I knew there was something about this one the moment I saw her. I’ll have to keep an eye on her’

As Evi walked back to the room she tried to think back. “I wonder which room that old woman is in, it has to be close” She was sure she had not seen the old woman in the hallway. “I’m not sure how I missed her”. As she turned into the room she was snapped back to the cold reality of her own life. Evi looked at her grandfather again, she knew how much pain he had been in since the passing of her grandmother.

They had been together for most of their lives. What an immense loss. It hurts for us to lose our loved one, imagine being with a person for so long that you can’t even tell where you end and they begin-and then losing them in an instant. The pain of loss is like trying to breathe but not being able to find the air. She thought ‘this had to be like being stuck in a void for him’ then she wondered if you get to see your loved one again. Maybe, in some small way, this would be the thing he was waiting for. Maybe she was waiting for him, when he closed his eyes here he’d open them again and be there in her arms. The thought made her smile through her tears. This is going to be so hard but it can’t be worse than what he’s suffered these past few years.

As if on cue, she felt something behind her. She turned to find Greg standing there. “It is a release for the ill and infirm, if it would help ease you through the grieving process I’ll let you in on something.” Evi looked up at him and wiped her eyes, “what’s that?” Just then the room started to get darker, the darkness grew, and she felt as if the room fell away and just the two of them were standing there. “At the end, they all call for a peaceful transition, they need it. Joe has been calling out for his release the moment his beloved Jane passed from this world. He stayed for his children and their children, but the time has come. This is a blessing for him.” Evi felt a rush of emotions come over her at once. She felt fear of the magnitude of this moment, deep sorrow at the loss she was now reminded of, and a spark of something-relief she could feel a sense of relief wash over her. “That’s it” Greg said in a comforting voice, “that feeling is the one you should have for him, know that it is past his time and he is happy.” Then, just as quickly as the darkness came, it fell away and she was back in the room with her family. Evi felt her face getting hot, she felt the tears rush up. She looked at her grandfather and the heaviness passed. The tears were gone, never to rush down her face. She walked over to her mother sitting on the side of the bed and hugged her. When she looked back at the doorway Greg was gone.

When she left the hospice that night, she kissed her grandfather on the forehead and told him she loved him. When she got home she realized that she had made no promises to come back, but she wasn’t sure why. Crash was waiting at the door when she opened it and Evi was so happy to see him. After he ate they sat outside on the balcony. Crash jumped up into Evi’s lap and she pet him softly while she looked out into the quiet world. Crash jumped down and meowed at Evi, she looked down at him and smiled ”you’re right its time for bed.”

That night Evi dreamt of her grandparents. It was their anniversary picnic, but something was different. Her grandmother was waiting under a spotlight as the music played. She looked as if she was waiting for someone. Evi could hear voices talking and laughing but she couldn’t see anyone else. Suddenly the noise stopped she looked at her grandmother, her expression changed, she was staring into the dark smiling. Evi looked into the darkness as the figure of her grandfather emerged and walked straight toward his wife. As they embraced and the entire room lit up, the music began again and they started dancing as if they were the only people in the world. Evi felt something brush up against her leg. She looked down to find Crash. “What are you doing here?” She asked. Crash looked up at her and opened his mouth, but no meow came out. “Evi, you cannot stay here long, you are meant to have a glimpse. Do not allow yourself to be drawn in, it is not your time and this is not your place. Know they are at peace and come home”.

Evi jerked herself awake, the music slowly drifted away. She sat up in a panic and looked around room, but she was alone again. The room was dark except for the faint glow coming from the tv. Crash was sitting on the bed looking at her. His eyes glowed as they caught the light. “I had a dream that you talked to me” she said. Crash tilted his head and stretched his large body. He moved up to Evi’s side and laid back down. Evi looked around one more time, she thought she could hear the music again, but it was just a car in the distance. She looked at Crash and smiled, “they are together and they looked so happy” A tear welled up in the corner of her eye as she laid down to sleep, “they are happy”.

That night across town at the hospice, Greg reunited two parts of a damaged soul and watched as they fused together once again in a dance that was as old as the stars. “This is my favorite part” he said. He looked down Davi was sniffling, “yeah I hope I get to feel this one day. I don’t think I’ll ever find my other half.” Greg smiled at his old friend, “they say what is meant to be will be, my friend.” Davi straightened up, “yeah I know, but I’ve waited for centuries. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. They say that too you know?” Davi looked up at his friend and smiled, Greg laughed softly, “That’s true, they do say that.” Greg turned away from the room as he stopped laughing. Something was stirring, he could feel it but he wasn’t sure exactly where it was coming from. “We are about to be busy, this family will be here in a few hours and they will need to be sure that Joe’s family is taken care of. Remember they have not prepared for this moment and will only feel the pain and regret of this loss. We have only completed the first part of this transition”.