Dear Mum

I have had a bumpy ride in my life, and a hell of a lot more trauma than I deserved. My mum often feels guilty for not being able to protect me from what I have been through, but what she taught me afterward is more important, and I have decided to show her what I learned from her after many long years of trauma.

1. My mum taught me to stand up for myself

I used to be the kind of person who everyone kicked around like dirt on the ground. My mum taught me that I had a voice and that my voice was worth it. She taught me to value my thoughts and opinions, no matter who didn't like them and, to express myself honestly.

2. My mum taught me that I was worth more than the violence I went through.

This was a very difficult stage in my life, and I lost contact with my mum for a while because of the difficulties it left me in. My mum taught me to speak out after taking the violence I went through all my life. She taught me that I was 'beautiful, valued, and worth more.' Even after my repeated admissions to the hospital, and even when she didn't know where I was, she stood by me to the very end.

3. She looked after my stepdad when he was ill with cancer right to the end of his life, and she still never gave up on me.

Sadly my stepdad died many years back and despite any difficulties we had, I do miss him. My mum provided care to my stepdad all the way to the end of his life. At this point, I was still very ill myself, and I still needed her. I have no idea how she did it, but she was still on the other end of the phone, listening to my tears and my pain, even on days when I couldn't listen to her. My mum taught me strength because of this. Being there for me when I was in the thralls of mental illness while looking after her very ill husband must have been very tough on her, but she still somehow found the strength to pull me through.

4. My Mum strived hard for us as a single parent

Like every mum, she made mistakes. I too made mistakes as a parent. However, despite her struggles, she tried really hard to be the best mum she could as a single parent, even when money was tight. We didn't get expensive things, but she always tried to make sure we had food, clothes, and a home to go to. There were days after my natural father left that I had some difficulties following the events of what happened, of which I won't go into here, because they are too painful. My mum always tried to teach me love even on my worst days. She was fun and she made time to play games with us on top of housework and everything else. She didn't have much money, and holidays and day-trips were a luxury, but when we got them, she always made them fun.

5. My mum doubled my strength as a mum, just by being there.

After having many confidential talks about what I had been through, my mum taught me skills as an adult that I lacked as a child. Cooking, baking, decorating, cleaning, dealing with tantrums. I was treated quite cold by many people as a child and I didn't understand how to accept support or have basic skills, but by observing my mum, I soon picked them up. My children were taken into the system because of my mental health, but my mum taught me to be double strong even when I wanted to give up. She taught me about housework, and she was there advising me when times got difficult. She also showed me how to deal with difficult behaviours and she helped me to get one of my young adults on his feet when we felt we had lost hope. She taught me assertion and firmness which means my young adult children are now better communicators with me, and she taught me to deal with stress when the going gets really tough.

6. My mum stopped me from killing myself when I was suffering trauma from a past event.

I was sexually abused and raped both in my childhood and adulthood several times. I had been silenced about it for so long, that it ate away at my confidence and self-esteem. Once I reached my 20's, I felt that no one cared apart from my husband. My mum discussed this with me in confidence. It must have been really hard for her to hear my truth, but even when I wanted to give up, she was always on the other end of the phone, listening and believing with words of encouragement. Hearing that your daughter has been a victim of this type of crime is a very difficult process, especially when it is a crime committed by someone you have known. In my case, it was someone we knew and someone we didn't. Many times have I tried to kill myself in the past because of the disgusting and abhorrent feelings those trauma's left me with. To begin with, my mum didn't want to hear it, however, that is understandable because it is hard hearing that someone could do that to your daughter. My mum showed me that I was worth much more than any of my abusers, she praised me for my achievements, made sure I knew I was loved, and even though that must have been terrifying for her, she was always on the phone (we live quite away from each other) backing me up, and encouraging me. Eventually, I learned to live with the trauma. I always have horrible memories, but I know I am loved and I'm in a happy place because both my mum and my husband taught me that together.

As I said every parent makes mistakes, in fact, every person whether parent or not makes mistakes. I have made mistakes myself. Me and my mum might not always agree, but we do love each other, and she always tries to be there for me.

I want to end this by saying dear mum, please don't blame yourself for everything I have been through. There are times when even parents can't protect their children from everything, but thanks to you, I am healed and moving forward. I might not have the best past, but I survived and learnt from that past because you have and always will be my tower of strength. I know there was a time, you wished you could be there more, but you are my 'BOSS MUM.' A mum who always makes sure I get back up when life gets me back down, a mum who taught me not to let those bullies torment me anymore, and a mum who taught me I am beautiful, valued, loved and worthy. Thankyou for being my mum.