Dear Dad...

I miss your occasional emails. I’m sure you miss sending them. I wanna say you know everything I’ve been going through since the last letter, but I think I’ve finally come to a small conclusion. Yes, I messed up.

I messed up so bad and I regret every day of it now. I should’ve been there. I should’ve reached out. You were there and I didn’t want to deal with it. I’m sorry. We can’t change the past but I want you to know that I will never miss an opportunity like that again. It’s only fair to try. I love you and I know you would be proud of me, that you are proud of me.

It’s going to be a hard battle but I know I can do it. I need to have the power, the will, the strength to bring myself up and be the woman I want to be. I’m better than who I’m being right now. The long nights, early mornings. The days where you don’t eat until five in the afternoon. The days where you curse the world while wrapped up in a blanket for hours in the middle of the day unable to bring yourself to get up. Those days will still probably show up. I’m only human.

With that boundaries still need to be in place. I just can’t. I’m sorry about it, but I wish I could. I just can’t talk to them. I will when I’m ready whenever I’m ready. I’m sure you’d understand. I do root for them on the sidelines, wishing the best for them in their journeys.

When it comes to reality I’m doing okay since you passed. I’m not crying for hours on end, or spiteful in any way shape, or form. Life goes on I guess.

I hope you understand now why I’ve acted the way I’ve acted. Done the things I’ve done, or not done. You continue to inspire me every day to try and make better choices, you always have. I know I’ll end up being a totally different woman a year from now, and even a different one after that but I’m a huge believer in personal growth. If these past few months haven’t been a fertilizer then I’m not sure I know what will be.

I was disappointed but not surprised by the lack of new information about you. It’s sort of a cliche you find in young adult novels. I wish I could ask. I’m sure there’s more stuff you could share with me now that I’m older. Hell, I’d probably open up and share things about myself. I remember when I started cussing but I hadn’t really cussed around you before. I was playing video games and I was losing, so of course, I started blurting out things in frustration. You happened to be in the kitchen and you kind of chuckled when you said, “I guess you’re not winning.”

It’s the little things you did that really show who you were as a person. The things you did to make my time with you better, how you could be kinder to others, and the way you worried about things. You truly were a caring individual despite your self-destructive lifestyle. The irony, a six-foot-something large man with a lard beard and a bulking gruff demeanor is one of the most caring people in the room. I believe you found a fun twisted humor out of it. You always seemed to find the twisted humor in things.

It’s time to wrap up this letter. With it, I assure you of my growth and confidence in my power to make a change in just anyone's life, but my life. You will have left on a legacy I promise, you’re many life lessons will be passed down. I love you and I can only hope for the best for whatever ghostly issues you might have.

Love you always,

XXXXX