Dear Dad,

It has been thirteen years since we last spoke, or saw each other. I closed the door. I walked away. It has taken me these many years to grow up and to process so many things: the anger, the hurt, the confusion. I know that I am one in a million others who come from broken families, but we all deal with our damage differently. I couldn't see you any more. I had children of my own and I didn't trust you not to hurt them as you did me. You never hurt us physically, I'll give you that, but you broke us, nonetheless. These are the words that I wish I could have told you, that I could have expressed, all those years ago. I suppose that this is my purge of feeling.

I loved you... You were the one that I went to for protection when I didn't feel safe, the one who was supposed to be there for me, for my brother, my sister... and you left.

I didn't understand. I thought I did something wrong, that it was my fault. As an adult now, with a son and daughter of my own, I know that I did nothing wrong. You made a decision and it didn't include me. But I don't think you thought of the consequences of your actions in terms of your children. You made your choice for you, and only you, and you shattered our ability to trust.

Nothing felt safe after you left. Mom struggled, for years. She was often sick or tired. Somehow she made sure that we had a roof over our heads and full stomachs, we never went hungry. My brother just...stopped. He became angry and withdrawn. The happy brother that I knew and used to play with was no longer there. I think he blamed himself too. The difference is, he never recovered. First it was the anger and the vanishing to places unknown, then, at fourteen, it was the drugs, and finally the alcohol. That boy is gone, because you chose to walk away and not be there for him. I think that is the one thing that I find the most unforgiveable of all.

My sister was too young. She is trying still, to meet you halfway. I know you still speak with each other and that you have met her children. You will never know my son and daughter though. Never see them grow up and become themselves. It makes me sad. They have a grandpa, my stepdad, but I look at what our lives could have been and I don't' think I will ever understand how you walked away. There is nothing in this world that I will not do for my children. If they need me, I am there. I do not care if they are grown, they are still mine until my last breath.

I have wanted to say these things to you for years. I struggled with trust, particularly of men throughout my teens and twenties. My husband is the one who has stood with me and taught me how to do that again. I know he will never walk away, from me or our son and daughter.

I can finally let go. A part of me hopes that you regret your choice. The little girl in me, sometimes, still cries. Another part of me has always wondered why you never said "I'm sorry." Did you even know what you did? I don't know. I suppose with the many years between then and now, the growing up that I have done and the knowledge I have gained, I can't say that I understand, but I do see. I wanted to say that I forgive you. I can't forget and there are scars, although the wounds are healed or healing. I wish you peace.

Your once daughter. . . . Goodbye.

(Writing is my outlet, my way of processing things and letting them go. I don't know where my father is anymore, otherwise, I would most likely have sent this letter to him. There are so many children in the world who are either completely alone, or who have had a parent leave them. For those children, the question is always there "what did I do wrong that you couldn't love me?" It's a horrible question for a child. I know many adults who still struggle with the abandonment and trust issues caused by those situations. I thought perhaps this letter might help others to know that they are not alone in their struggles, and to know, most importantly of all, that it is not their fault. They did nothing wrong and it is okay to let go and move on. )