Could This Be It

Although there are women who do not want children, many women do. Being a mother was always one of my wishes. The thought of having a baby and watching that miracle grow was exciting. I couldn’t wait to be a mom and have a family. That wish came true when my daughter was born.

When I was 19, we found out that I had endometriosis. We always knew it would be hard for me to conceive, but after my first laparoscopy, the doctors gave us the go ahead to try as this might be our only chance. My first husband and I decided to go ahead and start trying. We were pregnant within three months. In May of 2007, my daughter was born.

Since I am such a fool for love, after my first marriage ended I was married again within two years. We wanted to try for babies right away. I ended up having to have another laparoscopy, where we found out my endometriosis was worse than before. The doctor performed the surgery and after a few weeks, they told us we could start trying. We tried the whole two years we were married and still no baby.

Once I met my fiance, we talked about having babies but know our chances of having another were low. We heard all the same things from friends. My fiance had two children from his first marriage and I had my daughter, so at least we had them, right? Let me recommend that you never say that to a woman who dreams of children. Even though we knew it was almost impossible, we still hoped it would happen eventually.

At the end of June 2018, I started to notice cramping and bleeding. I assumed it was my period and just dealt with it. After a week or two, I could eat anything and my breasts were super sore. My sister offered to buy me a pregnancy test. I took it and immediately got a positive. We couldn't believe it and were super excited. All that happiness came to a halt a few days later when we found out our little one was stuck in my left tube. Our hopes were shattered.

Due to all the past issues, we gave up trying and decided that if it happened, it happened, if not, then at least we were happy. We gave up even more when we found out that my fiance also had an issue with infertility and figured with us both having issues, it wouldn’t happen. All talk stopped and we went on with life.

Even though we had given up, in the middle of February, 2020 we were surprised to find out that we are pregnant. So far everything seems okay, but we can’t be too sure. We are excited, but understandably cautious. My HCG levels are doubling and you can see the gestational sac in the uterus, but no yolk yet. Not being able to know for sure, we are nervous. One of the biggest issues is that I want to be happy and excited but I am scared. The thought of losing another baby is heartbreaking.

We know that no matter what happens, we love each other.. I know another loss would be hard on both of us. As someone who likes to make lists to plan out every detail of their day an uncertain future is stressful. It’s been 13 years since I had my daughter. It’s been so long that this is almost like a new experience all over again. I also know that whatever happens isn’t my fault. I am lucky enough to have a loving and supportive group of people. Without them, this would be impossible. Now all that I need to do is maintain a positive attitude.