Confessions

For 34 years I lived a life of denial and pretending to be someone I knew in my heart I was not ! Growing up in the south we are pushed to the status que all our child hood is riddled with shuttle pushes in what we should want ! On December 2 2011 I decided that I was not going to live in misery any longer !

We had been having issues with one on the 4 boys I had been raising for 15 years !the boys were amazing kids ! Teenage years were very rough ! Our children need us to be parents at this portion of there lives . My wife wanted to have the easy friendship role and I was the jerk of the house the one to say no the Disciplinarian! A year prior to me leaving She sat by and let one of them say that she was his parent not me ! The night I left she told me if I was done with her I needed to leave ! I told her the only way I was leaving without my two daughters was in a body bag! So I grabbed the girls and went to my birth mothers ! I had taken them to school the following Monday She checked them out and kept them from me for over a month ! I filed for divorce and she agreed to a seven and seven rotation ! So on my day to pick the girls up she had already got them from school and decided that there would be no 7 and 7 so custody order that I was Coerced into agreeing to was only 7 and 7 when they were on Sumer break ! And since I was supposed to pay alimony until the divorce was final she went from 196 worth of child support 7/7 to 200 alimony and 718 for child support and I had to provide everything for the girls when I had them !

Unfortunately for me my divorce dragged on for two years ! I lived at my mothers paying all utilities and was able to really have enough finances to give the girls anything they wanted ! Unknown to anyone else I was still in prison ! I watched my 18 year old niece and her boyfriend sleep at moms several times ! But I my self was not allowed to even have friends over ! The southern double standard was hard to swallo but I did for my daughters.

I lived like that for a little over five years ! I dated here and there but not one time in those years had I found anyone worthy of Pushing the issue of my partner or a boyfriend being any part of the family gatherings. However in may of 2017 a man that I had been chatting with since January wanted to meet so he flew me out to him ! I have to say that we clicked he was nothing like anyone I had ever seen ! It didn’t take long for me to fall in love with him. In June he said guess where we are going for your 40 th birthday ? My mom was sitting next to me and heard the conversation! When I hung up the phone she informed me that because she doesn’t get to go anywhere I had to pack all my stuff including the girls and get out ! No family offered any help so I was homeless for almost six months !

In October I purchased a home which took almost all my funds . I had sixty dollara to stretch after first check and 27 after the next ! I literally ate nothin but cereal and milk and bologna sandwichs from 2017 to 2019!

I was diagnosed with cancer in september had two surgeries in september and two in october ! I could no longer malnurish or supply my ex wife who lives with 3 of the four men we raised and the two girls ina small two bedroom house with all windows borded up! I fell behind on my child support i tried to catch up later and all but 2 grand was for 2019 ! In December the bitter snake i divorced told my children not only does your dad have cancer he has hiv! I have not seeny children since February ! When my oldest daughter graduated i went roo the stadium and was told that i could have my ticket if i had six grand ! Her disdain for me hav only grown stronger over the years and now she has completely poisend my relationship with my girls they!

The man that i fell in love with decided that he didnt want to do rhe long distance anymore so adter the second cancer surgery he cut all ties ! Unfortunately i crumbled imto addiction anxiety and depression! He reached out three minutes to midnigbt on new years eve then banashed again ! i feel his love to this day even though he refuses to speak i lnow the love is there ! My love is unconditional he is the love of my life and i will not give that away ! Now single i have fun here in there and find comfort when someone sends me a picture of my ex’s happieness! Thats how much i love him hes right up there with my kids !

Tomorrow would Make our three year anniversary unfortunately our relationship ended this past September! Not only did I loose my partner but through addiction depression and anxiety I lost everything! It took losing my two daughters to realize that I had stopped fighting for them long ago ! To my ex I’m sorry for not trusting you and projecting my fears Also for the heartache in the past ! To my children who have awakened me by their absence I will get better and start fighting for you in the proper manor ! I lost all the loves of my life because I was chasing fears! No more I am sober I’m focused and I know what I have to do!