Co-Parenting: Not For The Faint of Heart

Let's get one thing straight right off the bat. Breakups suck. It is a fact universally acknowledged by anyone that has ever been in a relationship that no breakup is a good breakup. Some breakups may be better than others but in 99% of relationships that end, it's safe to say they breakups just suck.

Breaking up with my ex and father of my youngest child sucked and made excessively complicated by the fact that most of our relationship had in fact been excessively complicated.

Quick version backstory. We were best friends that had an affair and I got pregnant. We left our respective relationships and we began living together and trying to make it work. It didn't. We were fantastic best friends but we were just terrible as a couple. We wanted completely different things from a relationship and we couldn't find a way to compromise. We were also both dealing with a lot of guilt about what we had done and how we had gotten together. We managed five months as a cohabiting couple and I decided I was done. Looking back I have to admit that he was far more committed to making our relationship work than I was. I had put up with a lot from my ex husband and that had really coloured how I looked at relationships. I was no longer willing to work hard to make something work and so I didn't. I broke up with him, he moved out and I pretty much immediately started dating a friend of his that he had introduced me to. Naturally my ex felt deeply betrayed by both his friend and by me and it caused a whole heap of drama.

Post breakup we were just at each others throats. I was basing his ability to be a father based on my experience with him as a partner and that was very wrong. I totally accept that. I wasn't willing to give him the space he needed to grow as a parent without being in a relationship and we argued constantly because we didn't really want to agree with each other or give any quarter. Everything we did and everything we discussed became extremely personal. I had broken his heart and I didn't even notice because I was too wrapped up in my own anger about the situation.

Now the thing is, when you breakup, usually that's it. You can block the other person on everything and just take a complete time out to heal and move on. When there are children involved that's just not possible. You are irrevocably tied to the source of your current pain and you have to deal with them. You have to see them and talk to them and instead of dealing with the breakup, you feel like you're learning to cope with the fact that this person is going to be in your life forever.

Side note - I really believe that sex education should involve separated parents that despise each other in a room together where students can watch them pour their vitriol out at one and other and then the educator should turn to the students and say, "every time you consider having unprotected sex, you need to ask yourself if you want to be attached to that person for the first of your natural born days."

Below is list of five key things that I have comprised based on all of the things we got wrong and what we worked out we needed to do in order to slowly correct those mistakes. It's taken us the bulk of the last three years to figure out how to make our Co-Parenting relationship work but it does work. It's not perfect, nothing ever is but our child is happy and we have managed to find a healthy way to move forward together and parent together. If you are in or ever find yourself in this kind of situation, I hope what I have learned during this process might be able to help you avoid running down the more difficult path like we did.

1. Do not make it personal

Your child has got nothing to do with your personal issues with one another. Unless your ex has harmed your child then you really need to step back and take a really good look at what you're doing and why you're doing it, especially if you are going to be the resident parent...which leads me to my next point...

2. No one parent is more entitled to the child than the other

**Potential unpopular opinion alert** Okay so this is mostly for us mums. I was guilty of this myself so I feel pretty comfortable talking about it. Statistically speaking when a couple with children part ways, the mother becomes the resident parent and automatically assume that their child somehow belongs to them more than the father. This is just not true and ultimately it isn't fair on the child. For a start, your child doesn't belong to you and secondly, your child is entitled to reasonable time with both parents. You have to split birthdays and Christmas and major events and if you just can't bare to be separated from your child on those special occasions even if it's just every other year, then pony up sister because you're going to have to spend them with your ex. It's not about you, it's about your child.

3. Don't sweat the little stuff

Was your not so other half 15 minutes late to pick up or drop off? Did they forget to bring the bottle, nappies, blanky etc etc? Right. Nobody died. Chill out. It happens. Why are you wasting energy on this? What is it bringing to your life except more aggravation? Nothing. So don't do it.

4. Be flexible

My ex and I switch around contacts when we have to. Sometimes he needs something, sometimes I need something. We work it out together. If he needs to change something around because it's his partner's birthday and he wants to spoil the woman he loves, I change it. If I want to spend a weekend away at the spa with my partner for my birthday, he makes sure he can have our child.

5. Compromise

Compromise is key. If you can't agree which does often happen, then you have got to find a way to compromise. If you reach a stalemate then take a break, take some advice and come back. Don't get angry and bitter and make sure you are both approaching the topic with the best interests of the child at heart, not the best interests of yourself.

It's unlikely that you're ever going to best friend with your ex, but you can learn to be friendly for the sake of your child. Trust me when I tell you that if me and my ex can do it, anybody can.