Carline Thoughts

Are you ever in the shower, and a random thought smacks you in the face? For instance, for me the other day it was best friends kissing the guy you liked? All of a sudden each devastating scenario popped up like a whack a mole. Or am I the only forty-year-old nut job running each time I walked up on a bestie macking down with my crush through my already stressed-out brain?

Hear me out. I don't purposely torture myself. This crazy train pulled out of the station when I was thinking about my 8-year-old daughter as I was lathering my scalp. My guess is because of the way I grew up and my current relationship with my mom, I am super sensitive about her environment and how she grows up. Mix in the fact that I am an overthinker and whammo you have the ingredients for a soul-crushing journey down memory lane.

We just spent the last few days with cousins at our little vacation spot for spring break, and while we were there, my daughter's crush texted her and asked if she wanted to be his girlfriend. It was absolutely adorable how nervous and excited she got. I remember those days when you wait by the phone for your crush to call only to listen to each other breathe.

It was really sweet until it was terrifying once I thought about this road we were starting down. It got me thinking how I never want her to put her worth on how much someone else likes or doesn't like her. A lesson I am still actively learning. The urgency to teach her how to surround herself with people who make her feel good about herself and not drag her down. I started thinking about friends throughout my life which led me to the boyfriend stealing BFFs memories.

As shocking as it was for me to realize, there are three incidents I can remember like they happened yesterday. The first time was in third grade, then in 7th grade, and again in my junior year of high school. I can still feel the burn in my stomach, the heat in my cheeks, and how hot tears filled my eyes instantly. Man, the heartache was real. The disappointment and feelings of utter betrayal. I've always been a one or two close friends type of gal, so when these friends betrayed me, my whole world crumbled.

It got me thinking about how much I wanted to be loved or feel loved. My parents divorced around third grade and it was a rough ride after that. Not that it was all rainbows and smiles before that, but I was thrown into learning to survive and navigate life on my own from the hours of 8-6 after my parent's divorce. Oh and take care of my younger brother.

Now, I am not saying I am innocent and never hurt anyone. But it does show that hurt people hurt others. I was shown by the people around me that my feelings didn't matter. Boundaries didn't matter. I regret the hurtful things I did to others when I didn't know any better.

As a mother, I want to make sure my kids learn to give and receive kindness. And to do that I have to learn how to receive kindness for myself. How to give myself kindness. Oh boy, is it hard. Every slip-up, every wrong pronunciation of a word, each time I enter the wrong memo on a line item, I just start in on myself. I replay conversations, actions, everything, looking for where I messed it up. Looking for proof that I am unlovable. But thing is, I am worthy of love. I am worthy of kindness of all the good things. Even when I do mess up.