Cancelling Christmas

As a 40 year old mother of two (18 year old son and 19 year old daughter) I have spent the better part of 20 years forced to celebrate a holiday that never really meant anything to me. Truthfully I’ve always hated Christmas. Even as a child. It always meant everyone getting anxious, worrying about money, how much food we had, how clean the house was for when surprise guests would stop by and how next months bills would manage to get paid. I absolutely HATED Christmas. Even Christmas music has always made me cringe. And of course everyone would always push me into the grinch or Scrooge pile and say I needed more Christmas spirit. Making me out to be the problem. Which undoubtedly only made me feel worst and then hate it even more each and every single year.

Life and it’s wonderful occurrences would certainly not make Christmas’ case any easier. In 2005 I became a 911 dispatcher and basically forfeited my right to celebrate any holiday, which was perfectly fine with me. Shortly after that in 2006 my first marriage ended on Christmas Day. But where’s the fun in hearing about that nonsense. That same Christmas I went to work as a 911 dispatcher after my marriage ended to then deal with a body that had been found burning in a dumpster across the street from my house and a cab driver being stabbed within steps of my home. Merry fucking Christmas. A few days later my soon to be ex husband would move his soon to be new wife into my home. It’s ok. She likes Christmas to this day. Go figure.

I believe it was the next Christmas while I was working, when a teachers body was found in the trunk of her car after her husband had sent us on a wild goose chase looking for his wife who he had claimed was gone to get diapers for their baby.

And the Christmas after that a fire in an 8 story apartment building. Where people were trapped.

The years and the stories don’t get better. Inevitably I have left the job. Surprisingly or maybe not for those who understand it. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2016. That’s a story for another day.

Back to Christmas. With each passing year I would always say I don’t want to do this. It’s out of control. There’s no need for all this spending. All this STUFF. Can we please just stop. And of course I would always get the inevitable “stop being so cranky get in the Christmas spirit”. So in other words pull out your wallet and get ready for some debt.

I’ll admit I unwilling participated for many years. Through a second marriage (which might I add he proposed at Christmas, not sure how he missed all those subtleties). Note how I said second marriage, that one is over too. Also ended right around the same time CHRISTMAS. Or at least when the snow was flying. So I’m blaming Christmas anyway.

Anyhow as I was saying. I participated in Christmas for years. Bought loads of gifts. For three children (my second husband has a daughter age 21). I wrapped, decorated, baked the best cookies cheesecakes you could possibly ever imagine. And I even donated shit. For what? For people to ask for MORE. Seriously that’s what happens.

The kids ask for more presents. Family asks for more baked goods/gifts. Even the church functions I donated to wanted MORE for their bake sales. Everyone wanted MORE. Every single year no matter what I did they always asked for more.

So this year something clicked with me. Well it was actually something very specific. My son turned 18. I turned 40. My second husband told me flat out I wasn’t enough for him anymore. And I attended Save a Warrior in California for a week to start my recovery from PTSD. Those things combined made me realize that I don’t have to celebrate Christmas because people keep telling me it’s the right thing to do.

So I simply told my kids and family “I am cancelling Christmas this year”.

At first they didn’t believe me. They thought I was nuts. My daughter even said I was ruining Christmas. So here is what I did. For my children I purchased them each a Christmas card. I wrote them a private message from the heart and I gave them exactly what I could afford to give them in money. Not gift cards. Not gifts. Cold hard cash. The kind they can see and realize this shit disappears. Not the kind you swipe and never know if it’s gone or not. And for everyone else I simply said “I am not participating in Christmas. I am not buying ANYTHING for Christmas, so if you have purchased a gift for me please return it or give it to someone else on your list”.

I would have gotten away scot free but my parents are in their 80s and asked that I attend Christmas dinner with my giant family (I’m the baby of 9). So I did participate in a Christmas dinner. And I was given a few gifts from my daughter mother and grandparents. They are strong headed women. Clearly it runs it the family. But I did manage to stay strong in my quest to quit Christmas. And I must say IT WAS WONDERFUL!!! I recommend it to everyone.

Get together and share company, food, drinks and love. Leave the gifts at the store! That should not be what holidays are about.