Being Your CODA

It started off rocky from the start. You could never hear the sounds of my cry. We would never get to speak to each other in an intimate way. You didn't hear my first words and at 3 years old, you were forced to be a single mom. Life was never easy, but you did it anyway.

I was such a spoiled brat. I used to cry for attention when I didn't get my way. I remember you would get so frustrated. We could never bond and have a normal relationship. So many things happened along the way. I was forced to go through many traumas.

I blamed you for my shitty life not realizing the sacrifice and time you put in, even if it wasn't up to my standards. You did your best to make sure I had everything I needed. I would destroy my things, and you would get mad at me. Yet, you continued to try and give me the best life possible.

We argued and we had some heavy-hearted times. Yet, through it all, you continued to love me. I resented you and blamed you for my bad behavior, yet you continued to be my mother. I destroyed property and acted out but still, you forgave my actions because you wanted nothing more than to see me grow up and be a better person.

My mom and I would never have talked about issues that were important. I couldn't go to her with my problems or ask her for advice. I couldn't tell her about all the issues I went through. I knew it wouldn't feel the same. Everything we went through was through the motions of our hands. It felt like being a robot but at the same time, I felt your love. I knew underneath all the signs, that my mama loved me.

Growing up a child of a deaf adult (CODA) was never easy. It came with hardships. It came with tears and growth. It took both of us being strong to build the loving bond we had in the end. Being a CODA and being YOUR child, made me one strong individual. You built me to be tough and to overcome all my obstacles. You taught me that no matter what I go through, I can fight my way through it.

Once I forgave you and understood, We shared many happy years. I was healed of any hurt or anger. I was able to share great memories of you. Nobody could have prepared me for being your child, but you did it, mama. You put up with my crazy, teenage years when I rebelled. You dealt with many issues and I watched you cry, but I also saw a strong side of you.

I later found out about all your struggles before me. I heard the stories of how your parents moved to another state just to give you the education you needed. I heard the stories of how you almost lost your life, but Howard E Butt paid for your surgery. You were able to survive in a world that you couldn't understand. You found a way to do it. Mama, You were a fighter!

I'll never understand why you left us the way you did. In the Texas ice storm, with no help. Scared of losing your life. You tried mama. You fought hard, all the way until the end. It was really hard for us to communicate with you via video phone or video chat so you would call a relay service. Then have the interpreter then call us via voice chat. You called the video relay service (telephone interpretation) asking for help. The operator said you fell asleep on the video relay, only you were not. You tried your best to stay alive, but nobody was able to help. They couldn't even pick up your lifeless body because of the icy conditions. We had to sit there for hours looking at you lying on the floor. It was a trauma, I will never forget.

No matter what, mommy, I will always love you. You will always be my first teacher. You will be a strong woman who moved forward in life to raise two daughters alone. You went on to marry and have more kids. I was able to see a beautiful side of you. You cared for all of us. You made sure we had presents and lots of love. It never failed. You were always a wonderful mother. Being a grandma, only made you a plus!

I thought being a CODA was hard, but it turned out to be a beautiful, fun experience. I got to show off in front of my friends, but I also got to meet lots of interesting people. Your friends were even amazing. I will never forget how fun it was going to hang out with the other CODAs.

Mama, you may have not heard me, but you still managed to do an amazing job. I could never say anything bad. I realize now that we all have our flaws. I know that being a mother is the hardest job ever. Nobody pays us for this job. You did your best and I honor your memory always. Thank you for all your love and support. I know I will see you again someday. Being YOUR CODA was the BEST!!! I Love you mom!