Becoming Fathers

TW: One quick note: abuse of any kind should not be excused. If you’re healing from something awful your dad or any dad did to you, I’m so sorry, and I truly hope you find healing. I will not make excuses for an abuser of any kind. If you have a good relationship with your father, I’m happy for you, but please remember not everyone does. This piece is meant to explore fatherhood and how it has impacted our world, in an anecdotal and introspective way. I hope it can amuse you, and help you find some peace for those of us who are still looking.

The subject of Fatherhood is kind of touchy these days. Modern media is full of examples of found fathers, men like Batman, 'adopting' and filling the role of a father for some young soul fallen on hard times and in need of a mentor. Han Solo to Rey in the Force Awakens, the Mandalorian to Baby Yoda, Tony Stark to Peter Parker, and even Obi Wan Kenobi to Leah in the brand-new Disney+ original, Kenobi. All of these movies and shows just from the last 10 years. I look around at what people are saying in conversation and scrawled across the internet, the books and blog posts being written, the way people are responding, and it feels like my entire generation feels fatherless, like the dads they had weren’t the dads they needed.

All throughout history, in fact, mankind has created stories of heroes many of them fathers. Superman, Batman, even Spider-man gets to be a dad sometimes. We can look at religious examples: Odin the All-Father, Ra the father of the Egyptian gods, Zeus who was both a bad dad and had a bad dad, and the Christian God the Father. A lot of people walk away from religion and faith because of its insistence on a loving father, a reality that many never had. If you were to ask most people would say "good father" is an oxymoron.

So, “we” look outward, for a surrogate. As many people as have had issue with any kind of god as a good father many have found peace from the idea that somewhere, someone loves them like a father, even a distant god. We look to characters like Iroh from the Last Airbender cartoon, who loved his nephew like his own son no matter what mistakes he made, or people like Fred Rogers, who didn’t raise his voice or harm us with words or actions. We look to them, and the reason why is again supported by film: for every good father we see, there are two bad ones. Joey Tribbiani’s father in Friends, cheating on his wife. Indiana Jones' distant father. Darth Vader, the literal baddest dude in the galaxy cutting off his own son’s hand right before asking him to join him and become second-baddest dude in the galaxy. The Lego Ninjago movie has Lord Garmadon being nothing but an awful dad for an hour and a half.

One of the hardest times in my life was the day I realized my dad wasn’t perfect. Obviously, I kind of knew beforehand. He’s human, and he raised me, so I had a front row seat. But it hit me differently when an author began unpacking something called a “father wound.” I could see threads in my life, things I do now that I don't like, that go back to him, and it made our relationship difficult for a time, although I'm not sure if he knew about any of this. That chapter of unrest ended recently. I visited him and we sat talking on his screen porch in the evening, my mom out of town, and he shared parts of his life I hadn’t heard before. He talked about his childhood, and how unspoken things then within his family had colored him, and in turn colored me too. It was a moment of apology that let me know he and I would be okay. Since then, I've started thinking, that maybe we can let our dads off the hook if we remember every dad was a son first.

One of the earliest memories I have is the stories my dad would tell me. He talked about the time he and his best friend tried to blow up their house using sticks and string, trussed up like dynamite. Another time he stuck a butter knife into an electrical socket and knocked out the whole house, claiming later he “found it like that.” That’s the picture of my dad I grew up with, rambunctious and rebellious. He traveled for work for most of my life, so it was special whenever he was home. I think it was special for him too, and he liked saying yes to us. If mom said no, maybe dad would say yes. I was always too cautious as a kid, but the few times I wanted to be dangerous or adventuresome my dad could show me how. He told us stories, at the dinner table, or before bedtime, and he introduced us to movies. My dad really gave me my love for stories, which is what I'm trying to do with my life. It took me years to get there, but he gave me my sense of daring-do, too.

My dad wasn't perfect, but he's still been there for me when I needed him to be. He loaned me what would be my favorite book and later gave it to me for Christmas. He gives me advice on my stories and listens to me ramble about girls. It's an unspoken rule that if my mom and younger sisters go out of town, he and I have to have a guy's night with my little brother. He's indulged me through careless mistakes and times I've talked-- nearly nonstop-- for hours. He's a good dad. He's my dad.

I'd love to be a dad. Chandler Bing, from the TV show friends, gives a speech about how his wife is already a mother, before they even have kids. Truthfully, I feel the opposite is true of me, that I'm already a dad. I'm so ready for it, whenever it comes. There have been so many times I get freaked out or worried about how my unresolved trauma and issues will negatively affect whatever kid comes along. I think it'll be okay though. On the one hand, I probably have a few years before then, and on the other, if every dad was once a son, I probably have everything I need in me already. Whatever I'm missing, well that's what they write parenting books for.