Becoming a Warrior

It is an overcast morning in 1994. My Dad scoops me into his arms for a final goodbye hug right before my first day of kindergarten. A local journalist snaps a photo of us and captures the duality of my pink princess backpack and my blue Power Rangers lunch box, proudly grasped in my left hand. At the time, it was quite uncommon to see a young girl with an item from both the girl and boy's aisle of a store.

When I reflect on moments like this, I cherish how ahead of the times my parents were. Today, parents make a concerted effort to be inclusive and allow their little girls or little boys to choose whatever item strikes their fancy. Someone’s little boy wants an Elsa doll? Absolutely! A little girl wants a toy tractor, of course! For my parents, however, this was was simply second nature.

When I was four the idea that I wanted to dress up as Peter Pan was greeted with enthusiasm. He was my favorite Disney character after all. When I chose to wear my brother’s hand-me-downs as well as take ballet, I was just being me. I was lucky enough to have a childhood with options, creativity, and the unlimited ability to express myself however I saw fit, regardless of gender stereotypes. Although, I must admit picture day was a non-negotiable dress day.

My ability to express and enjoy what I liked regardless of it being “for boys” wasn’t limited to daily whims either. Each week, my Mamma and I would grab the coziest blanket we could find and snuggle up on the couch together in our big bonus room. Once we were prepped and ready we would turn on our refrigerator-sized TV (it was the 90’s after all) and we would prepare to watch our favorite binge-worthy television show. The moment I heard Bulgarian folk music play and saw mythological beings grace the screen my excitement would intensify and I’d sit quietly enraptured.

Dangerously sharp chakrams would fly across the screen, sweet Gabrielle was seen punching a thug in the face, and Xena was there looking off into the distance. As the opening scene would play, I would often sit and hope that tonight’s episode might grace us with Aries or Aphrodite once more. They were after all, my favorite God and Goddess. Mostly though, I remember admiring Xena’s black and gold armor. I would marvel at her ability to be both strong and feminine.

I wasn’t yet ten, but I was able to comprehend that Xena was different and I wanted to be like her. She was both a girl and a fighter. She was strong and independent, but she was also sensitive and loving. Aside from Buffy, I wasn’t used to seeing feminine girls who could earn respect and kick some serious butt on TV, but it wasn't just that. I was obsessed with the fairytale of it all. Mythology was absolutely magical and I wanted it to be real so bad. I’d imagine myself as one of the powerful and alluring Goddesses, or the fierce and feminine Xena who earned the attention of Aries. Both were equally appealing.

The thing about watching Xena with my Mamma was, it empowered me to become whoever I wanted to be and aspire to be more than I was. Obviously, I recognized that being a Goddess with supernatural powers was a pipe dream, but Xena, well, to an extent she was real. I didn’t have to be a girly-girl who wore sweet dresses, kept out of the mud, and seemed weak around boys. Instead, I could play hard, speak my mind and embrace both female and male qualities. I could fall in love and be a fighter. I could be strong like Xena.

When I watch an episode today, I can’t help but laugh at the outdated graphics, cringy dialogue, or Xena’s war yodel-- “Ayayayayayay!” However, I’m still just as obsessed with the Aries love dynamic and Xena’s fantastic femme fatal armor. I appreciate the character development of the small village girl, Gabrielle, as she becomes an independent fighter and lover, and I still embrace the opportunity to escape reality through mythology.

The supernatural episodes I watched as a child made an impact on who I am today, even if I didn’t comprehend all of the adult lines in at the time. In 2021, I may not have stumbled across any real mythological beings, but I have become a woman of resilience and passion. I have watched that little girl with a boy’s lunchbox and princess backpack grow into a modern-day Xena. A woman who lives both passionately and fiercly.