Becoming A Father

New Year's resolutions. Whether or not we write them down, make mental notes, pray for them, or even shout them from the rooftops, everyone hopes that the new year will bring some sort of positive change or improvement upon their lives. I have certainly never been the exception. Every year my resolutions circled the same themes. Weight loss. More money. Nicer house. Less debt. Hardly original goals but realistically the more common amongst most people I would imagine. Every year it was the same thing, and every year as the months dragged on they faded away into the mundane everyday goal of simply surviving.

Now I'm sure when you read the title for this story, you could imagine what was coming. A story about how I always put my own goals before anything until that eye-opening moment when I realized I was going to be a dad. Suddenly, through some unseen magic, everything changed right? Well, I wish it were like the movies and books. Sadly it wasn't. To understand my wellness resolution, you need to know who I am and what happened.

My daughter was born on August 17th in 2017 and I was like any normal new father. Overwhelmed with the slew of new responsibilities and feelings for a baby. An amazing baby, but still I was terrified. Working a full-time job for barely enough money to make rent, let alone take care of my wife and child. I had no idea what was coming and life decided to up the stakes and take me for a ride that would change my outlook on life and who I was as a person.

Fast forward to June of 2018. The night was winding down and my daughter was asleep. My wife and I were on the couch when my phone rang. I answered to the strained voice of my mother on the other end saying something was wrong. That she felt like she needed to go to the hospital. A woman who all my life had only ever gone to a doctor when she was taking ME was now going to the Emergency Room. She told me not to come, but that she just wanted to let me know. I wish I hadn't listened to her. But I stayed home with my daughter and wife that night. The next day I went to visit her and that's when the doctors told me about the stroke. The following months were a whirlwind of hospital visits, tests, and bad news. The details while forever burned in my memories aren't the important part of the story I'm telling. The important part is that on August 6th of 2018, she was gone. Eleven days before my daughter's two year birthday.

No one is ever ready for a loss like this. Especially when it blindsides you and drags you along for 2 months. But why am I writing about this for a wellness resolution story? Because I wasn't well. I haven't been well. Trying to piece yourself together while simultaneously building the perception of the world to your growing child is a labyrinth. Full of grief, fear, anger, wrong turns, and dead ends. I lost my job, got evicted, and even lost my marriage over the last two years. But something happens when you crawl through that maze of loss. You begin to learn every turn and path. You stop crawling and start walking. Maybe even running. You can and will find a reason to keep going and eventually you do escape. Have I made it out yet?

Maybe. Maybe not.

What I do know is that I live in a garage that I've turned into an apartment. I have a job interview next week and I've been offered a car. Through it all? My daughter has shown me love and strength that surpasses anything I've ever witnessed from another person. Through all my depression, grieving, rage, and disconnect she still loves me unconditionally. So I don't really know what that means for my future, but I do know one thing. Becoming a father isn't about dirty diapers and bottles. It's seeing that our children have more to teach us about strength and love than we have to teach them about anything. So no more resolutions about money or material things. No more hoping the universe delivers me a mansion or perfection. No more "New Year" resolutions at all.

Just one final resolution for me.

My wellness resolution for my new life? Become a father by following my girl's lead. Learn to love without expectation and make every moment count while taking the time to watch everything you love live. To be more like my daughter. Like my hero.