Babies in Heaven

You were wanted and you were loved

We tried for you for over a year

The day we saw those 2 lines, was a complete shock to us both, battling with first and secondary infertility leave you feeling like you’ll never experience it

Those lines filled us with so much joy and happiness

So much hope and love and thankfulness

We wanted to hold you and kiss you and snuggle you and watch you grow

We were so excited to get to milestones with you

To hold you next to our heart

To feed you and cuddle you all day long

Not super excited for dirty diapers and throw up, but that became a loss

The day you left, left us broken

There was void in our hearts that we couldn’t fix

The loss of not knowing what you’ll look like

The loss of never hearing your cry

The loss of never hearing your first words, your laughs, the first time you say Mommy, Daddy, or I love you, or even the littlest coo or smile. The thoughts of that loss hurts me deeply

The loss of never getting to experience the first time we hold you

The first time you fall asleep in our arms

The first time you keep us up all night but settle as soon as we hold you because we’re your safe place

The first time we get home from work and you run to the door saying our names and looking for a hug because you missed us so much and are so happy to see us

The loss of never knowing your names or your genders

The loss of never knowing what could have been or should have been

The loss of wondering what amazing things you would accomplish in this crazy world

You see, everyone on the outside sees the loss, but they don’t really KNOW how deep the loss goes

It’s the being happy but also a little saddened when a friend posts their pregnancy or the little one. Not that you’re not happy that things worked for them, but because it’s a loss of life, no matter how long you were in my belly for

It’s the wanting to be around babies but also not because it’s a reminder that yours didn’t make it

It’s a void in our hearts and it’s a grief journey that can take years to overcome. No one ever thinks of these little things that actually make the experience of being a parent

A loss is a loss, no matter how young, how old, how big or how small, you cannot measure the extent of a loss based on the societal view of what a life is or looks like

It’s hard not to compare or feel shame for feeling the way you feel. Society puts standards on how someone should heal and feel for anything, and that’s not fair. No one can tell you how long to be sad for or how long to grieve.

Do not let others invalidate you because they feel uncomfortable. You are responsible for you. Your own heart, your own mind and your own care.