An Open Letter to My Mother

We were often friends and often enemies. Although you were always by my side, as I look back at my childhood, your behavior was often unpredictable.

On the bright side, as a young child growing up an income deprived environment, I must readily admit that you always made sure that I was never fully aware of my economic predicament. You created a natural atmosphere full of love during my early childhood that convinced me that I possessed everything I needed.

To be sure, the love you offered me, made it all but impossible for me to attend Kindergarten for the pain of separation was too great to bear at the age of five years old. I was so sheltered from the world of reality that I never even learned how to speak English since you always to me that I would learn it quickly at the appropriate time.

One of my first challenges occurred during the first grade, when I started attending school for the first time without being able to communicate a single word of English. I remember telling you that I was experiencing formidable challenges understanding my teachers or absorbing any of the material that was being taught. Your response was always that if I tried my hardest, I would make the family proud and do just fine.

Still my instincts at an early age were that things were not going well, given that unlike the other kids in school --- I was unable to comprehend most of what was coming out of my teacher’s lips. In fact, this became self-evident after completing my third week of school as I sat down to take my very first mathematics exam.

I had difficulty even understanding the questions posed, let alone providing a correct response!

Day of Reckoning

On a windy day with severe thunderstorms, my day of reckoning had finally arrived as I prepared for school on the day my teacher would be distributing my exam results. Although I was sure that my performance would reflect more about how I was grasping my new language than my ability to master the subject matter at hand, the level of tension I experienced as a child that morning, was beyond anything I had ever experienced during my 6 short years!

As my name was called, I slowly walked up to the front of the room to receive my exam results from the Teacher who had a condescending look on her face as she looked at my exam results before handing me my paper. Ironically, when I looked at the score, I felt a sudden burst of pride, since it signaled to me that I was making progress learning my new language. To me a score of 55% for a person learning a new language for the very first time, represented real progress.

It was with this same source of excitement that I came home and told you that real progress was emerging as I had somehow managed to grasp more than half of the material despite my intrinsic language challenges. Without even knowing anything about statistics at such a young age, I even speculated that if this trend were extrapolated into the future --- I could potentially receive a perfect score over the next month.

Yet, your response was completely unexpected. You told me that I was a great disappointment to the family which had great hopes for me. I heard that these results would now be recorded for all to see for the rest of my life. These results would prevent me from ever achieving any of my families goals for me. And when I said, I would try harder, you reiterated that my destiny was set --- I would just be a disappointment to the family with little or no chance for redemption.

This put me on a deep path of depression that even caused me to consider dropping out of school at the age of 6. After all, if my destiny was set, why should I try to alter this predetermined path. When I made the suggestion to you that I planned to drop out of school since my destiny was already predetermined, you told me that I would probably be thrown in juvenile detention, to suffer even further from my actions.

As a young child, all I craved for was a healthy dose of empathy and support from you as I struggled to overcome my language challenges and could not understand why learning more half of my school material, despite my language challenges had all of a sudden put a Scarlet Letter on my back for the rest of my life.

That night as I laid in bed believing that my destiny was sealed, I kept saying to myself that things would have been so much better if I only attended Kindergarten, where I could learn the language with fewer negative consequences, but you felt I was just too young to be separated from the family. At the time, I assumed that this was the correct path to take but now I felt differently and secretly hated you for putting me through this ordeal. At the time, there were no bilingual classes offered to students or any attempts to help students acclimate themselves to a new language.

With such limited options, I decided to fight for my life and spend every waking moment of the day trying to teach myself the English language so that given the circumstances, I would be able to reverse the course of my destiny and prove you wrong. After all, what did I have to lose given that my options were juvenile detention or a lifetime of failure?

And with each passing day, I noticed incremental improvement. Just 30 days later I received a few other exams averaging a score of 80%. Rather than encouragement, my mother hinted that the Scarlet Letter from my previous failing grade remained. Even when I asked you what I could do to remove my grade of shame, you again reminded that my destiny was set. Yet privately, I could see and feel my progress emerging, so I continued to fight to prove you wrong.

Day of Redemption

As my grades further improved to an average of 90%, you told me that it was not good enough because of my past failure. But for the very first time, you shocked me by telling me that if I could produce a perfect score of 100% on each and every exam for the rest of my academic career --- then maybe I would achieve a fighting chance to have society overlook my previous failing grade.

That was my redemption day and a critical inflection point in my school career. Since I truly believed that years of above average performance were my only option – I managed to push myself to levels that I did not think were possible.

Those negative thoughts never escaped me. And even when I learned several years later that my failing grade during the first 30 days of my educational career would not really predetermine my future – the social PTSD that I experienced would never leave me. I never learned to appreciate a B or a B+ grade as I knew the response, would be a reinforcement of the same narrative I received on that fateful day.

So, I fought with every ounce I had, to do better. And when I received A’s or A+, you again reminded me that there was nothing to celebrate because it was an important prerequisite needed to redeem myself. Those thoughts have followed me throughout my entire life.

And although I vowed to never fully expose my children to this psychological path of terror, I find that some of the remnants of this crazy strategy may have been passed on to my offspring inadvertently. We are all creatures of our environment and no matter how hard we try to offset those pressures, some of those demons are bound to escape into our daily lives.

But today, as I look back, I want to thank you Mom for putting me through this emotional rollercoaster because I firmly believe that for me, it was the most optimal strategy given that I grew up in a neighborhood where failure was not only a way of life but also most likely outcome.

Although I wish you were alive and could read this letter, I want to remind you that you gave me the push I needed to fight the war. And while I have retained the battle scars and an unfortunate case of social PTSD when it comes to measuring my sense of accomplishment --- I now realize that you were the strongest women I have ever met. Your strength made it possible for me to lift myself from the chains of poverty growing up in low-income public housing projects and complete my Master and Ph.D. degrees in Economics. In war, many are wounded and scarred but at the end of the day – winning the war is always the goal!