An Open Letter to My Mother

So, I know I haven't written on Vocal in about six months. But, I'm finally back. Another mother's day is upon us. In the years following my mother's mental breakdown, it was hard to cope with. However, within the last few years it's been a little easier. This year, if my mom is still alive, she'd be 55 years old. But, since she's been mentally unstable and on the streets for so long, we have no idea if she's still living or not. I want to write an open letter to my mother, which includes things I never said to her when I was younger. So, here it goes.

Mom, there are so many days where I wished you weren't my mother. Looking back, I realized you hadn't been a good mother to me since I was four. There were several instances where you abused both me and my older sister. Then, you played us off against each other. You never really cared for my needs. You never believed I would amount to anything in life. Yet, you were so adamant about me finishing high school. If I had known then what I know now, I would've dropped out at 17. If that meant me graduating in 2011 or 2012, then so be it. You pretended to be interested in my studies and even fooled some of my old teachers and guidance counselors into thinking you're a good parent. All this time, you were only interested in me graduating. You even pretended to want me to attend college after high school. Not only did I had to pick a career or major you approved of, I also had to attend school on campus instead of taking online classes. You even foolishly thought that DORS (division of rehabilitation services here in Maryland) would pay my whole tuition the entire time I would've spent another four years in school. Not realizing, I would've had to pay part of the bill through student loans. And yet, you never thought I would've been successful in the first place.

Like you, my sister knows how to put on a good act. I know where she gets it from. You probably knew she molested me this whole time. If you did, you said nothing and never confronted us once. You also had an inkling your nasty husband did the same thing. But, you cried crocodile tears and wept for hours after I finally told you at the grocery store in 2009. Now, I wonder. Were you weeping for me? Or was it for yourself? You knew that man was no good the day you married him in November 1996. Your marriage was doomed from the start. Yet, you had the nerve to go through with it because of our strange beliefs. Your whole life you claimed trouble always seemed to find you. You never realized you ran to trouble too. You always stayed the longest with men whom you knew never gave a damn about you. Why did you do that? You had trust issues your whole life because you didn't know how to love either.

All the way to the very end, I used to think you cared too much. Now I know you didn't care at all. The stuff you said about me in your mental stupors in late 2010 said it all. You were abusive, paranoid and controlling. One thing my sister and I had in common was how we had no freedom with you. Even when we got of age, we couldn't even travel across the country without you. You were worse than a helicopter parent. You failed both of us, but in two different ways. With me, you were ashamed of me because I was your "retarded child." If that wasn't bad enough, you tried to make me live like someone without Autism. And it failed miserably. Even after you were out of the picture, I tried continuing with DORS and attending community college for medical billing and coding with this faint hope I'll land a job. But, I knew I was going down the wrong path. You failed to get me all the help and services I needed while in school including a transitional housing program. Not only did you ruin your life, you ruined mine too.

With your mean and narcissistic daughter, you enabled her. The same way your cousins did when they formed a fake "parental-daughter" relationship with her as an adult. You taught us it was okay to mistreat people and talk down to them even if they were family. Like you, she played mind games and pretended to care for my well-being. This whole time she was thinking of herself. If there's anyone who'll probably end up like you someday it's her. You felt like because of my Autism I'm incapable of getting married and raising a family. This whole time you were a horrible mother to both of us! If I ever have children, I would never treat them the way you treated us!