Jessica Smith
Stories (16/0)
Adult Autism and Unemployment
This year on September 19th 2022, I've reached another important milestone--my 30th birthday. As I texted one of my cousins last week, sometimes I feel young and sometimes I feel old. I probably won't really feel old until I'm at least 45...maybe 50. LOL As I enter my 30s, I hope to achieve some more important milestones in my life. For instance, I hope to get married well before 40. I also hope that by the time I get married that I'll be taken care of in terms of finances. For someone with high functioning Autism and a history of chronic unemployment, this isn't an easy topic for me to discuss. But, it must be talked about.
By Jessica Smith 2 years ago in Humans
Why I Decided to Become a Buddhist
From October 2011 to March 2016, I attended a total of two churches in an attempt to find God. Between the age of 19 and 23 1/2, I was looking for answers in my life. My mom was mentally unstable and eventually became homeless after walking out of a psych ward of a state hospital. It felt like no matter what I did to try to improve my career prospects, I'd still end up unemployed even if I completed a four year college or community college to obtain a degree or certificate. My relationship with many members in my family began to deteriorate because I didn't have a job nor was I a full time college student. I felt lost and scared due to my cult teachings and my mother's mental breakdown so I tried mainstream church.
By Jessica Smith 2 years ago in The Swamp
A Critical Review of Dim Sum Funeral
Back in May 2010, I decided to watch a film called Dim Sum Funeral. I had been interested in Asian culture since the end of my sophomore year in high school. Maybe even a little before then. In the spring of 2010, I was just starting to learn a little bit of Mandarin Chinese. So, this film around a supposed-deceased matriarch of a Chinese American family caught my interest. My family still had digital cable and also had a free one year subscription to HBO that ran out by the end of the month. It was also Asian Heritage Month, which I wasn't completely aware of until May 2010. Dim Sum Funeral revolves around a dysfunctional ABC (American Born Chinese) family called the Xiaos. In the film, these group of five siblings who can't stand each other spend a week together planning their mother's funeral and trying to "resolve their differences" with each other. Their children also spend time together as well.
By Jessica Smith 2 years ago in The Swamp
Life Lessons from Dealing with a Toxic Sibling
About six years ago, my maternal half sister and I severed ties with each other through Facebook. She deleted me from her friends list after I ignored two of her messages. One of the last things she said to me was something along the lines of how she wasn't going to chase me. She also said that I thought I had life figured out and that she hoped I find what I was looking for. Another piece of incriminating evidence was how she kept asking what did she do wrong for me to ignore her the way I did. She knew our relationship had been strained for years. It only got worse when our mother became mentally unstable. The truth is our relationship hadn't been good for years. It began to fall apart after our mother left my father.
By Jessica Smith 3 years ago in Families
An Open Letter to My Mother
So, I know I haven't written on Vocal in about six months. But, I'm finally back. Another mother's day is upon us. In the years following my mother's mental breakdown, it was hard to cope with. However, within the last few years it's been a little easier. This year, if my mom is still alive, she'd be 55 years old. But, since she's been mentally unstable and on the streets for so long, we have no idea if she's still living or not. I want to write an open letter to my mother, which includes things I never said to her when I was younger. So, here it goes.
By Jessica Smith 3 years ago in Families
Why I'm Open to Attending Online College Classes
At the end of 2014, I dropped out of community college. It was for medical billing and coding. They say you can get the certificate between 4 and 15 months. In my case, it had been a little over two years since I had my first class, which was Medical Terminology back in 2012. My late teens and early 20s was a bad time for me. Although I passed the classes I attended, I had no motivation to get my Medical Billing and Coding certificate. Not only that, there was one class where I had to use the Protomed software. It was extremely difficult especially for me since I was never really good at math. I barely passed this class by the skin of my neck. But I was so glad I did at least on the surface. I basically bowed down to family pressure and decided to attend community college just to keep up appearances. Deep down I knew many of my relatives looked down on me, yet I decided to enroll in school just to impress them. It didn't work. Especially since I was only enrolled in community college part time and not a full-time student at a four year school. On top of that, I was also expected to work part time while going to college full time. As a person on the Autism spectrum, it wouldn't have worked out for me. I would've burned out like that and had to choose one or the other.
By Jessica Smith 3 years ago in Education
What I Learned From Toxic Friendships
For a good part of 2020, I've been listening and subscribed to Dr. Ramani on YouTube. For anyone who doesn't know who she is, Dr. Ramani is a psychologist who specializes in the toxicity of narcissism and narcissistic relationships. From what I gather she herself was in a bad marriage with her ex husband. They divorced in 2008. Although I haven't attended therapy since 2019, I can say that it has helped me tremendously along with Dr. Ramani's videos on narcissism. Unfortunately, I dealt with my fair share of narcissists and it began in childhood with the sexual abuse and molestation. One thing I learned about narcissists is they're very self-serving. They don't care who they hurt to get what they want out of life. It could be you or someone else close to them. In my case, the narcissistic people who I dealt with started rubbing off on me. I started being almost as cruel, careless and reckless as them. I was starting to hurt people who may have cared for me even if it was in their own special way. I still feel bad about it to this day.
By Jessica Smith 4 years ago in Humans
Life Lessons from Higher Learning
Back in January, I had the delight of watching the film Higher Learning through my free subscription to Pluto TV. Every time the film airs on TV, I always miss the beginning. Like Spike Lee, John Singleton was no stranger to directing controversial films. In my opinion, Higher Learning is one of them yet genius and creative at the same time. I know race and ethnic issues are once again hot topics in America today. Recently, I read a response to my comment on a YouTube video of a trailer for Higher Learning and someone said it was ahead of its time. Maybe it was. I think the goal of the film was to highlight the political and ethnic issues of the 90s. From what I heard, some people said the colleges they attended were nothing like the fictional Columbus University in the film. However, we can agree that many colleges have been involved in political and societal issues since the Civil Rights and Vietnam War era of the 1960s.
By Jessica Smith 4 years ago in Geeks
What I Learned From Dealing with Child Abuse
This article will be a little similar to a previous one I wrote about being raised in an abusive household. However, I want to discuss specific examples of some of the abusive behaviors I endured from my mother. My mother in particular was no stranger when it came to using a belt. Some people feel like corporal punishment can help keep a child in line. Some also feel that the only thing a kid needs is a spanking. Then there are those who feel as though a belt or spanking could do justice. Nowadays, the ideology behind corporal punishment is pretty controversial. Plenty of people feel like it's child abuse or close to it. I can understand their sentiment. I personally don't think I'll be able to use corporal punishment if I were to have my own children.
By Jessica Smith 4 years ago in Families
Living With an Undiagnosed Mentally Ill Mother
Once again, I'm going to write another article about something that isn't easy to discuss. It's concerning my mother who may have had a mental illness for years. She never sought help for her issues. Some African Americans say there's a stigma around mental illness and seeking help in the black community. Perhaps they're right. Growing up I thought my mother's antics were "normal." As stated in my last article, she held onto the beliefs of the Worldwide Church of God years after she stopped attending their congregation. She felt like God was going to help her with all of her problems mentally and physically. Even a devout Christian would say, "God helps those who help themselves." She could've done that plenty of times before her mental breakdown. It's too late for that now.
By Jessica Smith 4 years ago in Psyche
Being Raised With Cultish Beliefs
In a previous article I wrote, I briefly mentioned how my mother raised me with beliefs she learned from the Worldwide Church of God. Now, I want to discuss how these same beliefs helped shaped my views on religion in adulthood. For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Worldwide Church of God was started by Herbert Armstrong in 1933. He and his family were living in Eugene, OR and it was originally known as the Radio Church of God. As time went on, Herbert's program became known as the World Tomorrow long before it started airing on TV. From there, he established the WCG. The Worldwide Church of God was a doomsday cult. Herbert Armstrong told his followers he had all the answers and his beliefs were the only way. He said that other Christian churches and religions were false doctrine.
By Jessica Smith 4 years ago in Futurism
Growing Up in An Abusive Household
This isn't easy for me to talk about. But I feel like I must share my story with others especially since I just turned 28. For the longest time, I didn't discuss being raised in an abusive household. It distorted my outlook on life for the longest time. First, let's talk about my early childhood. My mother and father never married. As mentioned in another article, I am the product of an interracial relationship. My parents were only together for five years between 1991 and 1996. Their relationship ended when I was only four years old. The worst 14 years of my life were spent living with my mother. From 1996 until 2010, I didn't know how to speak out about the abuse that happened while living with my mother. Eventually, I found my voice and sought help.
By Jessica Smith 4 years ago in Psyche