A tantrum when not satisfied, need to train children to delay gratification?

What is delayed gratification?

The concept comes from the famous "Marshmallow Experiment" at Stanford University in the 1960s.

They were asked to eat the marshmallow immediately, or wait until the researchers returned to eat, and could be rewarded with another marshmallow.

In other words, the need to restrain the current desire for marshmallows delicious, and get more marshmallows in the future.

Some data later illustrated that after growing up, the children who waited at first achieved greater success than those who ate directly.

In a child's world, eating is the number one priority

The ability to delay gratification is not trained

Many people believe that the ability to delay gratification is trained.

I, myself included, used to think so too.

So, when Lunchbox was growing up, I would deliberately ask him to control his cravings.

For example, when he wanted to eat the beans, he wouldn't give them to him and asked him to drink water first before eating them.

I thought that after a few training sessions he would appreciate the beans more and would be more willing to wait patiently.

The reality, however, was very damaging.

Instead of growing in patience, the lunchbox became more impatient and exhibited more aggressive behavior.

What started as just a bit of crying and fussing developed directly into a lot of crying and fussing, even spilling and rolling on the floor.

I began to reflect on my behavior, perhaps, I was wrong.

Face the wall and calm down

I adjusted in time, and as long as the normal needs of the lunchbox, want to eat, want to play, want to hug, I will be satisfied at the moment.

Slowly, the lunchbox is more patient. When he wanted to eat and I was busy, he would cooperate as long as I explained to him what mommy would get done first before giving it to him.

I think it was the previous experience that gave him enough confidence to know that mommy would definitely give him food without having to argue and fuss and that he could wait patiently.

At this point, I realized that delayed gratification is not something that is trained, but rather something that is fed with love.

The "marshmallow experiment" does not say that the ability to delay gratification is trained.

It only illustrates a correlation or a phenomenon between the ability to delay gratification and the degree of success.

The dark side of the road

There is no conflict between delayed gratification and security

Delayed gratification requires the child not to obtain instant gratification, but to expect greater benefits in the future, and to learn to restrain and wait.

Security requires that a child's needs be met first for the child to feel loved and then to have the ability to love.

These two, at first glance, are very conflicting.

Moms and dads are confused as to whether their children's needs should be met immediately or not.

The two are not in conflict and are complementary to each other.

A sense of security is the basis for the ability to obtain delayed gratification.

The ability to delay gratification is essentially the ability to "self-control", the control of desire.

It is controlled because the child is convinced that "the future is within reach".

The child knows that his or her mother and father understand him or her, take care of him or her, love him or her, and are his or her warm harbor and strong backing forever.

With the nourishment of love, the child is not afraid of losing, not obsessing about not having, not dwelling on the future, and is very rich in spirit.

So it will not suffer from a momentary lack of satisfaction, followed by anxiety and even quarrels.

If the child desperately wants, then meet TA, the child gets full of security before it can control their desires and behavior.

Otherwise, the child will feel that what TA wants is the "moon in the water" and will disappear if you don't pay attention, so you will be more and more eager to get it, and your temper will become more and more acute, which is a vicious circle.

When your child has a steady sense of security, please let him or her choose between instant gratification and delayed gratification.

When a child has abundant inner strength, he or she will naturally make the choice he or she wants most.

Like the lunchbox, once when we were getting ready to go out, he suddenly wanted to eat soluble beans.

I told him, "We're going out to play now, so we'll eat after we get in the car, okay?

In the past, the lunchbox could not wait a moment, how to explain is useless, will endlessly cry until you want to eat.

Now the lunchbox, after a slight thought, did not voice opposition, considered acquiescence.

Because for him, going out to play is the most important thing, so he will give priority to going out to play. Eat, can wait for a while.

After getting into the car, he still remembered this thing, will be the first time to eat soluble beans. Let's just say that the memory is really good, haha.

Of course, even if he forgot, I will give him to eat. This is a positive response to his patience and he will feel it.

Instant gratification is not unconditional pampering

Instant gratification is meant to build a child's sense of security and is fundamentally different from infinite pampering.

The former is conditional and selective gratification.

The latter is an unprincipled satisfaction of everything.

We must be the first to meet the reasonable needs of our children.

For example, the aggrieved want to hug, are hungry to eat, stay at home for a long time want to go out to play, etc., are reasonable needs.

The child's unreasonable requests, not only the first time not to meet but also can not be agreed to in the future.

For example, if you already have a similar toy and have promised your mom or dad not to buy it anymore, but you want to buy it when you get to the mall, you can't satisfy him.

Otherwise, the child will only develop the habit of giving and taking, and when the parents try their best not to meet, the psychological imbalance will be.

The child's sense of security is most important.

With a sense of security, many of your child's problems will be relatively easy to deal with.

For example, emotions, personality, learning, socialization, etc.

With a sense of security, when encountering these problems, children have enough self-confidence and internal strength to solve them on their own, and when they can't solve them on their own, they will graciously seek outside help.

Because a secure child knows that it is normal to have a problem, solve it!

The establishment of a sense of security requires us to read our children's inner needs promptly and to achieve instant gratification, not delayed gratification, for our children.