A Storm is brewing

I've found myself in states of deep sadness, then, in a moment anger rears it's head and I'm consumed with rage....who am I angry at? My son? Sometimes; myself? absolutely! However, a bulk of my rage is centered on every single person who is able to live their life without this pain and loss; those who laugh and smile, those who have no idea how painful and debilitating my life has become - I'm angry that they don't see! That "important" to them is their job, their money, what they will do for fun next weekend.... Does that make me a terrible person? Maybe I am, maybe my rage and depression do make me a terrible person....I'm certainly not the person I was; my blinders have been ripped off, and I see this world as it truly is - a depressing place filled with hate and sadness. Do I add to it by these feelings of rage and darkness? That, makes me even sadder and angrier if I do.... I have become a wheel that continues to spin and never goes anywhere. I have allowed the depression to place thoughts in my head that I would never voice...to voice them would alert those around me to lock me up and throw away the key. I write, it helps - it may be nonsensical and misunderstood, but it's mine, and it helps me purge the darkness for a little while. Tears are not cleansing, they are the byproduct of the deep wounds in my heart and soul; the bleeding of my wounds... I have become jaded and mean... not overtly, no, I hide my cynicism and nasty thoughts from others, but the real me, the new me, the broken me is not kind, is not happy for others, is not helpful....this me, has become a monster - an angry, cynical, sad monster. I don't care if someone dislikes me, I don't care if someone thinks I'm full of sh*t....I don't care about anyone or what they might think! No one knows me anymore....not the real me, not the person who at any given moment could slide into the abyss of depression and do what I've always considered to be the unthinkable.... it's no longer unthinkable, it's just there...it is a thought. I stuff that thought down, and refuse to take action, not because I'm noble or strong or any of the other things people have said to me - No, it's because I'm weak. I'm fragile and weak. I don't WANT to be this way, but once the blinders come off, you can't put them back on! There is a storm brewing in me, and when it unleashes, when I am unable to continue shoving it down, further and further; when it rises to the surface, I am afraid of what that storm will do. Will it provide me the strength to leave this sh*t hole of a world on my terms, or will it push me further into the darkness blocking all light from me? Is healing from a loss like this even possible???? I have become so good at making people believe I'm "doing better" .... what a joke! If they could see inside my mind they would cringe in fear and pain....it doesn't "get better," I've just learned how to become the robot that I am called to be. I love my children - both living and dead and living while one of my children isn't is like a puzzle that is missing a piece that brings the whole puzzle together.....I will never be whole again....never.