Kathleen Elizabeth Comfort-Steinbaecher
Bio
I am the mother to 3 boys; 1 in Heaven, 1 adopted and my middle son who is 35 ❤️ I live in Pennsylvania with my husband and our youngest child. I am loved by 2 furry kids, a Great Dane and a corgi.
Stories (6/0)
A Storm is brewing
I've found myself in states of deep sadness, then, in a moment anger rears it's head and I'm consumed with rage....who am I angry at? My son? Sometimes; myself? absolutely! However, a bulk of my rage is centered on every single person who is able to live their life without this pain and loss; those who laugh and smile, those who have no idea how painful and debilitating my life has become - I'm angry that they don't see! That "important" to them is their job, their money, what they will do for fun next weekend.... Does that make me a terrible person? Maybe I am, maybe my rage and depression do make me a terrible person....I'm certainly not the person I was; my blinders have been ripped off, and I see this world as it truly is - a depressing place filled with hate and sadness. Do I add to it by these feelings of rage and darkness? That, makes me even sadder and angrier if I do.... I have become a wheel that continues to spin and never goes anywhere. I have allowed the depression to place thoughts in my head that I would never voice...to voice them would alert those around me to lock me up and throw away the key. I write, it helps - it may be nonsensical and misunderstood, but it's mine, and it helps me purge the darkness for a little while. Tears are not cleansing, they are the byproduct of the deep wounds in my heart and soul; the bleeding of my wounds... I have become jaded and mean... not overtly, no, I hide my cynicism and nasty thoughts from others, but the real me, the new me, the broken me is not kind, is not happy for others, is not helpful....this me, has become a monster - an angry, cynical, sad monster. I don't care if someone dislikes me, I don't care if someone thinks I'm full of sh*t....I don't care about anyone or what they might think! No one knows me anymore....not the real me, not the person who at any given moment could slide into the abyss of depression and do what I've always considered to be the unthinkable.... it's no longer unthinkable, it's just there...it is a thought. I stuff that thought down, and refuse to take action, not because I'm noble or strong or any of the other things people have said to me - No, it's because I'm weak. I'm fragile and weak. I don't WANT to be this way, but once the blinders come off, you can't put them back on! There is a storm brewing in me, and when it unleashes, when I am unable to continue shoving it down, further and further; when it rises to the surface, I am afraid of what that storm will do. Will it provide me the strength to leave this sh*t hole of a world on my terms, or will it push me further into the darkness blocking all light from me? Is healing from a loss like this even possible???? I have become so good at making people believe I'm "doing better" .... what a joke! If they could see inside my mind they would cringe in fear and pain....it doesn't "get better," I've just learned how to become the robot that I am called to be. I love my children - both living and dead and living while one of my children isn't is like a puzzle that is missing a piece that brings the whole puzzle together.....I will never be whole again....never.
By Kathleen Elizabeth Comfort-Steinbaecher4 years ago in Families
Happy Birthday
When my Joey made his transition to Heaven, I was left with unending pain, and a host of "firsts" that provide a mountain of thoughts and tears. Joey left on November 5th, 2019 - I stumbled through Thanksgiving, Christmas was Hell, then New Years, where I spent the entire day in bed crying. January 21st, his 35th birthday.... My heart continued to shatter as I remembered all his birthdays and the moment of his birth. Then came Easter - one of my favorite memories are Easter Sundays with both my boys.... oh how I miss those days.
By Kathleen Elizabeth Comfort-Steinbaecher4 years ago in Families
Numb
After this weekend, I realize that while my heart cries out and my tears fall, I still am in disbelief that my Joey is gone. Memories, like the one above will never be made again....that, doesn't compute in my brain. As much as I KNOW these times are gone, my brain still refuses to accept it. Someone who recently lost their child asked me if the numbness is "normal?" Normal....what exactly is that? We wonder if we are grieving correctly... what is the "proper" way to grieve?
By Kathleen Elizabeth Comfort-Steinbaecher4 years ago in Families
Drowning in Grief
There are days; like today, when everything is fine, I've managed to move that pain that now lives in me to the back of my brain, to be picked up again at a later time (most likely when I try to go to sleep at night) and then, something triggers the wave - it pounds me into the ground, and threatens to drown me in my own pain. This wave is not something foreseeable, it's not something I can control. The very idea of being unable to control something that threatens my total destruction is unbelievably frightening to me.
By Kathleen Elizabeth Comfort-Steinbaecher4 years ago in Families
A Mother's Story of Addiction
There are so many stories by addicts, by wives or girlfriends/boyfriends of addicts, by children of addicts, but few from a mother's perspective after her child has died from an overdose. Oh, you can find those stories, but they are on social media pages that are FILLED with grieving mothers. We, in effect, on these pages "preach to the choir."
By Kathleen Elizabeth Comfort-Steinbaecher4 years ago in Psyche
