A spectrum of Sisters

My sister is six years older than me, and she’s neurotypical…

She’s the middle child, was popular in school, stunningly beautiful, incredibly intelligent, and when we were children she like many teenage girls found it difficult to understand someone who didn’t fit into the boxes that society had created for the human race, even if one of those people was her little sister.

My sister definitely saw things in black and white, but so do most neurotypical people and especially teenagers unless they are placed in a situation where they have to see the grey…

For most of our childhood, I couldn’t understand why she never seemed to understand me, and often thought that she just wasn’t trying, but as I’ve gotten older and she’s become a bit more accepting of the grey in the world, I can honestly say that I don’t know what I’d do without her, and I now understand that to a “typical” person, I must be quite baffling.

In our own way, we are sort of on our own Spectrum – Her the stereotypical Neurotypical outspoken, pretty popular girl, surrounded by friends and constantly teasing her little sister – And me the stereotypical Aspie: Quiet, subdued, shying away from friendships except the few that managed to squeeze through the gap in the wall she’s built and constantly misunderstanding every tease her sister throws at her and automatically taking it to heart.

It was exhausting for both of us and it’s fair to say we misunderstood each other far more than we understood each other.

But, it isn’t like that anymore. We now live exactly 14585 km apart, which along with age, I think has made us a lot fonder of each other. Despite our differences as children, I can honestly say my sister is the person I miss most of all.

Because the world hasn’t been black and white for a long time. She now sees the grey which means she now understands, (well as much as she can) the world that I fit into. Having a sister like me must have been confusing and at time infuriating as a child, because:

• I never reacted as expected
• I didn’t follow instructions unless they were stated in so much detail that I couldn’t possibly miss a step
• I cried anytime I couldn’t wrap my brain around something no matter how simple
• While I was usually painfully shy (especially in the presence of strangers), my god could I talk once you got me onto a topic I loved.

Having a younger sister is… Let’s face it. They’re difficult. They’re younger so they need more attention. Sometimes you think their sole purpose is to drive you mad, and if like me they were the youngest for a reasonably long time they tend to be babied not only by the parents but also the rest of family.

But, we’ll get to being babied more in a later post, because although my sibling often viewed it that way my mom would tell you that having a child on the Spectrum means that the approach she took to parenting her other two children would never have worked, so she adapted.

Yes, it involved being gentler, developing immense patience and giving me more chances than the others. but it had nothing to do with babying me and everything to do with ensuring that I understood the life lessons she wanted to teach me as my parent.

My Sisters Response To This Story

When I sent my sister a draft of this story, I also asked her if I could include her response to the story in the final publication of the story.

These are her words:

Oh Elle that’s made me cry!!!

It’s so nice and in all honesty has made me understand more now, like the bit about mom and family babying you, but actually just taking a different approach!

If I could say anything I think it would be that I think it was so hard growing up for us, because obviously I was 6 years older, so I’d had all that time with it being just me and Kirk and neither of us were on the Spectrum. So I think I kind of assumed a sister would have the same relationship that we had, and obviously when you didn’t act or behave the same, I just think I never understood why you were so different to us.

I also think your extremely late official diagnosis didn’t help, as it’s not like anyone could sit us down and say: “Okay, so this is what it is and this is why Elle behaves the way she does she can’t help it, etc.” It was just: “That’s Ellie, that’s how she is…”

For me, that was really hard, as I never understood why you did or said or acted the way you did, and I think a lot of the time I was just annoyed you didn’t behave or act like me and Kirk. It made looking after you incredibly hard 85% of the time. I absolutely love you for it now though, and I wouldn’t have you any other way ❤️❤️❤️

We had also never been in contact or knew anyone on the Spectrum so it had never even been known to us when we were growing up – xx

Despite all of our differences growing up, whenever I talk to my sister now I’m reminded of this:

Having a sister is often intensely frustrating, but despite that it is also one of the most rewarding relationships you can experience in life. The amount of things you will teach each other is immeasurable and your sister will often be the one person you trust above all else. They’re your best friend, and yet so much more.

Many of you may notice that someone named Kirk is mentioned (by my sister) in this story. Kirk was our older brother and I didn’t feel like this was the right story to write about how his sudden passing at 19 profoundly affected both me, my sister, and my entire family. He deserves so much more than a mention in a 6-minute long Medium story. But maybe one day I will find a way to talk about him on here in a way that speaks of the wonderful person he was.

Hope you enjoyed this article, it was an emotional one for me to write which involved a lot of thought and also exploring my sister's perspective as well.

Speak soon everyone

EJ