A Single Mom’s Adventures

The idea of sharing life with someone can be an amazing feeling. When I first met my husband, it was simple. Learning and exploring one another's differences, as well as their likes, made us grow into love with one another. The idea of dating, sharing quiet times, comparing and sharing dreams we have for the future was such a good feeling. We thought we had everything figured out. We had the same beliefs and we even went to the same church. We tried to hold each other accountable with some of our little annoying habits like smoking cigarettes and using inappropriate language. He even accepted my two children that I already had from previous relationships.

Then life began to happen: the selfishness, the unhappiness, the pettiness, and the immaturity of knowing (and learning, but not accepting) each other's differences. I was told I didn't have to work outside of the home, so being an at-home mom at the time was all I knew.

I didn't have the outside friendships that most housewives experienced and enjoyed. Unlike the TV moms that were members of book clubs, country clubs, and shared shopping buddies, I felt alone and desolate. I had been a single mom for years before meeting my husband, but It was so much different this time because I never shared the partnership with my other childrens’ dads. I was used to it being just me and my kids. We had such a good relationship because they looked only at me for their security and I looked at them knowing that I had to make them feel safe and secure. I needed to make sure all their needs were met.

After all the trials and tribulations that transpired within the marriage, it really made it harder because I had adapted to being a part of someone else’s life. Having someone come home to me and the kids, and being able to cook for him and have dinner ready when he came home was all so satisfying.

I began to notice that I depended on him for my happiness. I started to lose myself within the marriage to the point I didn’t know how to make my own self happy. Yes, we were married, but we were still two separate people. Not realizing some of our faults, not only with one another but also within ourselves, was a road destined for disaster. Love was not even an emotion felt at this point. We acted on comfortability. I tried to suggest counseling and wanted to make it work on behalf of the kids.

Too little, too late. We came to the conclusion that the marriage at this point was beyond repair. Divorce was the language we were speaking and ultimately became our reality. As I continued to move on throughout the years, I hoped to have found someone else to share my life with. Unfortunately, I was not one of the lucky ones.

Over the years, I began to have a different outlook on life. There were so many things I had to adapt to. I looked at my younger brothers (as I was the eldest of three) who had begun to start their own families. They had girlfriends, then kids, and ultimately got married. I also have an example of a lengthy marriage with my own parents. They have been happily married for fifty-three years. I'm saying all of this to tell you that when we come together at family gatherings and on special holidays, I begin to feel outcast and alone.

Sharing those special moments and exchanging gifts during Christmas time with their significant others is one of the biggest times I feel the loneliness. I sit back and observe their interactions with each other. I literally feel like the outcast of the family. It was always just me and my kids. I didn't know the feeling of having someone to buy for, or someone to buy me a Christmas present.

I know that envy is not something anyone should feel when you’re looking at others. I should be in a place where I should be ok with myself. I should be enough to know my own worth. A single mom’s dream is to, of course, be the best mom she can be for her kids. Show them that we don’t need someone to justify who we are. Be happy with who you are, whether you’re with someone or not. The biggest thing I had to do was to stop putting labels on myself (outcast). Teaching myself to be a better version of myself so that my kids could see and emulate that value was very important. However, it's ok to want to have a person to share your life with. You still need to be happy with the journey you’re on now until you get to the journey that you are supposed to be on.