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A Single Mom's Adventures

Guilt of Neglect

By Kimberly PharramsPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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A Single Mom's Adventures
Photo by Gautam Arora on Unsplash

As a little girl, most of us dream of getting married, having children, purchasing a home with a white picket fence, a cute puppy, and living happily ever after.

Little did I know at the age of 25 I would be single, having my first child. A daughter, then a son would follow 10 months later. My third child, another little girl, and last but not least another son would be born 2 years later.

I eventually married the father of my 2 youngest, which lasted for 3 years and unfortunately ended in divorce.

I was already raising my first 2 by myself as their dads were not a part of mine or their lives. Being a single mom was a challenge because I had the responsibility of these two little ones depending on me for everything. My main focus was working to be able to provide for my kids. Unfortunately, for the Dads, they have the choice to be or not to be involved in the child's life. In my situation, I was their sole provider, their comforter, and I had to make sure that everything else they needed I would see to them getting it.

So, the best job I thought suited for me throughout the years would be employment at a daycare. I felt as though in order to be able to spend quality time with them, instead of always being at work in an office somewhere, daycare was the best option.

The pursuit of finding employment at a childcare center began. Throughout the years I held many different positions. I was a playground aide, a teacher, a van driver, and ultimately a co-director/director.

I cared for many kids throughout my journey of childcare and also had the pleasure of having my children right with me. Because I was the Van driver, I also had the pleasure of picking up and dropping off not only other children but also my own. I really enjoyed my job and felt the greatest thing about it was being able to be there with and for my own kids.

As time went on, the guilt of neglect began to set in. Being the only parent, there were times when my kids became sick. Sometimes they needed to be picked up from school because they were running a fever. Now the thing that really started to bother me was that during the time they couldn't be at school, why were they allowed to be able to go back to daycare with me? The positions I held would not allow me to pick them up from school and just go home. I had to care for them at work because that was what was required of me.

Unlike any other parent, they could get their child and go home to care for them. I would have to get a mat and if I happened to be a teacher in a class that day, they would have to lay on the mat in my classroom until it was time for us to go home. Also, if I wore the hat of the director on a certain day, I would have to pick them up, bring them back, and lay them on a mat in the office with me. I began to really feel some type of way.

Reality set in and I started to feel as though not only was I allowing other people to dictate how I took care of my kids, but I too was not being the parent I needed to be. I realized I was putting other kids ahead of my own. I truly cared for the children I worked with but those were my kids and I was all they had. They were my first priority in the sense that I was working so that I could take care of them, but on the other hand, they were being neglected because I didn't give them my full attention they needed when they were sick.

I came to the conclusion that It was time for me to find another field of work. I could no longer let my kids be victims of my employment. I boldly took a stand and explained to my co-workers that I could no longer neglect my own kids to take care of everyone else’s. I, as their only parent, needed to reassure them that I loved them even more than the ones that were in my class. Yes, I would miss them because we had built such a bond. I would also miss my parents as we too grew a closeness with one another. I'm sure as for most parents, you always want your kids to know they are the most important thing in your life. When I made that conscious decision, the daycare journey was over and the feeling of guilt and neglect no longer existed.

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