A series of crazy events

Sometimes it seems that events lend themselves to a practical joke. The universe aligns in a way that you can’t help but make use of the coincidences that are presented.

Our neighbor was a moderately obese lady with 23 poodles. She had converted her backyard into a kennel. The smell and the noise were both an issue, sometimes both during a thunder storm.

My grandmother had passed away a month previous and my mother was trying very hard to get rid of her years and years of Dairy Queen ice cream boats, beach sand from all over the world and her aluminum foil ball. Included in this hoard of stuff was an old refrigerator. The American kidney Association had agreed to pick it up and a week after their pick up date, the fridge was still sitting in our driveway. This did not sit well with my mom and while I was getting ready for work, I heard her vehemently arguing with the Kidney Association about their lack of attention to the fridge. She hung up with the promise that the fridge would be picked up that morning.

I made my way to the front door when the door bell rang. It was our neighbor. She was scantily clad in a see thru negligee. The roses on the the breast area were not covering what they should be and Delores had forgotten to put her panties on. Well, maybe she didn’t.

She had no inside voice and upon my opening of the door, she loudly asked , “Have you seen my dogs!?” Had we seen her dogs? Everyday.

To add some history, Delores liked my brother. He was a good looking 16 year old who fascinated our neighbor. She pursued him at the bus stop in her negligees always promising a crisp $5 bill for shoveling dookie out of her kennel and into compost. My brother, one of the bravest people I know, was utterly terrified of the woman. She haunted his nightmares and was the greatest cure for his libido. This came in handy for a 16 year old, but that’s a different topic all together and while funny, not a part of this story.

Clint made a b-line through the garage to avoid Delores, leaving his hair unbrushed, teeth uncleaned and only 1 sock. He told me later it was worth it.

Delores continued her hollering, pushing into the house and directly to my mom. Risking arriving late to work, I waited. I wanted to see what would happen but I also did not want to leave my mom alone with Delores. I didn’t think she would ever do anything harmful but she was the type of person that you could never completely trust.

“I’m missing Eggs and Grits!!”

My mother, completely confused, looked to me questioningly.

“I think Eggs and Grits are her dogs,” I explained. She was wringing her hands frantically making the roses on her gown dance separate from one another as if each had a mind of their own. It was fascinating. And gross.

“Delores, we have not seen your dogs out,” my mother calmly responded. Delores turned to me, her boobs spinning a few seconds behind her. “I’m very sorry, no,” I added.

“Please keep your eyes open! They are my favorite!!” “We will,” my mother replied masterfully leading her back out the door.

As Delores noticed the bus stop, she took off towards my bother, boobies flapping in the wind to find out if he had seen her Eggs and Grits. The look of terror on his face made me laugh despite myself. Cranking my car, I pulled out of the drive way as The American Kidney Company pulled in and began loading my grandmothers fridge onto the back of their truck.

At the first stop light, I began to think about the morning and about how all these things were so crazy. What a strange group of events to converge at the same time.

When I got to work, my friend Valerie and I talked about the zany morning and came up with a plan. Valerie called my mother at work. Using an accent and muffling the phone, my mother answered.

“Hello?”

“Mrs. Cole, this is Val from the American Kidney Foundation. We picked up the fridge today…”

“Yes,” my mom replied, “thank you so much.”

“So Mrs. Cole, we found 2 poodles in the freezer. What would you like me to do with them?”

A pause. The pause continues.

“Mrs. Cole?”

“Did you say dogs?” My mom asked, disbelievingly.

“Yes, Mrs. Cole, we don’t know what to do with your dogs.”

My mom replied, “They are not my dogs! Ummm, are they alive…”

“Oh,” Valerie replied, “No ma’am. What would you like us to do?”

“Well how should I know? My goodness, what will I tell my neighbor? How did they get in the freezer? When did they get in there? This is really, very upsetting!”

“Imagine our surprise, and the smell!” Valerie replied, heaping it on.

“I’m going to have to call my husband. I am very upset!”

“Yes,” Valerie replied. “And you understand, there is a time issue here. These guys are continuing to ripen and we have to dispose of them.”

Another pause. At this point my mother begins to babble about Delores and being a bad neighbor. Valerie tries to interrupt but my mom had become manic. Valerie laughed and handed the phone to me.

“Mom” I say. She continues to go on and on, ignoring the phone. I repeat myself a few more times and when she hears my voice, recognizes it and realizes the whole thing is a joke, slams the phone down.

I tried to call her back but it took several hours for her to answer.

No dogs were harmed in this story and Eggs and Grits showed up later that evening, after a day long excursion of their own.