A Perspective on Divorce in Indian-American Culture

In Indian culture and also Indian-American culture, it remains taboo to get divorced. There is a stigma of shame surrounding Indian divorcees and whispers in the community in the context of there being something “wrong” with individuals who do choose to divorce. Not only does this cultural barrier promote domestic violence to exist in many Indian homes, but it forces people to often put up a front of “toxic positivity” - pretending to others and often themselves that everything is ok when in reality the basic needs and desires of the individuals in the marriage are not being met. Growing up in Indian culture we are conditioned as children to have the mindset that marriage lasts forever, even beyond this lifetime and extending into 7 lifetimes as symbolized by the 7 circles a husband and wife walk around a fire in traditional Hindu wedding ceremonies.

When these traditions were first established thousands of years ago, the average life span was much shorter and there was not the same access to information and technology that we have nowadays, allowing individuals to self-educate, learn about new ideas, develop new interests, and shift their perspectives. Often this results in letting go of old ideals and growing as an individual into someone new. Even at the start of the 1900’s, we did not have automobiles or internet and people in India tended to be confined to the villages in which they are born, and were conditioned to adopt the ideals of their micro-community. If you look at India today, parts still remain highly segregated as exemplified by the 22 distinct languages that still exist. The south Indian languages even have a completely different alphabet from the north Indian languages.

As America was founded by immigrants from nations worldwide, America itself does not have its own culture. This has allowed immigrants to hold onto their own cultures very tightly and implement their culture into their individual ethnic societies spanning generations. This notion of marriage lasting forever is something that is working against modern day society in the sense that it prevents individuals from growing and changing and confines them to old modes of thinking and being forced to be “the person they used to be” when they first got married. Looking back just 10 years or even 20 years-I am not the same person that I was back then. I am much more educated and have adopted new views, interests, and perspectives on life. I look back at men I dated 20 years ago and can’t imagine having an intellectually or emotionally satisfying conversation with them now. With the dawn of the Age of Aquarius, the age of information and spiritual evolution, people can expect to evolve even more rapidly in the next 200 years. This notion of marriage lasting forever and divorce being taboo and the stigma of shame needs to be changed in Indian-American society. How many Indian women are married to secretly homosexual men and maintain the facade of a happy marriage to fit into Indian-American society? Quite a few, some of whom I know personally.

When looking at America as a whole, in 2014, 60% of couples who married between the age of 20-25 ended in divorce. That percentage is now dropping thanks to the millennials who have adopted a new mindset towards marriage and choose to wait until they have completed their education and secured their own finances prior to marrying. Millennials tend not to marry for the “institution of marriage” and value their own personal freedom more than doing things for the sake of others. The Indian-American community needs to acknowledge that they are not more special and better at maintaining relationships than the rest of the country. There is nothing shameful about being true to yourself and acknowledging that you have grown as an individual, and admitting what worked for you in years past is no longer contributing to your own happiness and fulfillment in life.

During the social isolation of the pandemic, I heard personal stories of several married members of the Indian-American community complaining of their toxic home environments and instances of spousal abuse. Sometimes it was women complaining, but oftentimes it was the men complaining of constant put downs by their wives in front of the children, and how helpless and inadequate it made them feel as fathers and providers. When I asked some of these men why they chose to remain in this marriage if they were so unhappy, they all answered that it was for the children. I think Indian-Americans in general need to re-evaluate what they consider to be an optimal environment in which for children to grow up. If a wife is cheated on once or in some cases repeatedly ,and she chooses to ignore the issue and portray the facade of a happy home life to other members in the community, what message does this send to her kids? That it’s ok to let your husband disrespect you and your personal happiness is not that important? When children grow up in an environment steeped in emotional abuse and putdowns of a parent, what message does that send? It conditions children to feel that it’s ok to disrespect your partner or conversely, that it’s ok to be disrespected in relationships they enter as adults. It is for these reasons I feel that the whole culture of marriage as an institution needs to be re-examined in the context of Indian-American society.

I discuss this concept further in my book, 50 Shades Of Pink, a 7 chapter book about the science of chakras and attaining personal self-empowerment through a spiritual awakening. I also discuss the need for an evidence based research approach in investigating the chakra system in the context of medical illness such that it can be integrated into western medicine as an alternative or adjunct to traditional western medicine. The book will be available on Amazon by February 14, 2021.

-Suparna Saha,MD