A Mom Who Doesn't Know What to do Anymore

I remember when I was younger, I used to go through the store with my parents and I would always see a child who would talk back to their parents and throw tantrums. My parents always said, that's a white kid attitude or that's what white kids did. I always felt sorry for the parents, I could see the frustration on their faces. Now I am a mother and I now have that child.

My son always feels that he must get his way in all facets of life. We don't spoil him, we don't have the funds to do that. Well, let me rephrase that, I don't spoil him, because his actions do not warrant him being spoiled. As a result, when I do not give him his way, he resorts to hitting myself and his grandmother. He does not hit his father, but he does disrespect his father verbally. I try to understand, because he's only 6 and maybe he will grow out of it, but soon he will be kicked out of school because of his actions. He has now disrupted his class numerous times, he has been written up at school, and he has hit to teachers. He is only 6...

We have taken privileges away, tablets and TVs. He's had his toys taken away. He has had soccer taken away. I have cried, I have yelled, I have stepped back, I've stepped in, I have taken him to martial arts classes, I have spent more time with him, and now I don't know what to do anymore. That's a lie, I know what I should do, but I have no support to do it. He needs to see a specialist, I am not asking for them to medicate him, but he needs help. He is aggressive, he is angry, and I am afraid he will be kicked out of school before he gets to 1st grade. It's so hard to pick him up from school after he has a really bad day, because everyone lets me know how bad my child is. You feel so much shame, you feel like a failure.

I don't know if other parents with children like mine feel this way, but sometimes I lie in bed and imagine his future. I get scared. I worry. Then I think about boys like Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, they were little boys once. They had parents who loved them so much and tried their hardest, but their hardest just wasn't enough. It makes my heart hurt when the one phrase that comes along with people being around my son is, "I'm tired of him." So many people say this, I am happy his teachers never give up on him, but he is not the only student in the class and they can't give him all of their attention.

I remember when I was younger, I would love to think about what I wanted to be when I grew up. This idea changed almost every week; an archaeologist, a librarian, a museum curator, a traveler, and so much more. I am none of those things now, but the dreams were so fun to think of as a little girl. I asked my son the same question, he hates that question so much. If I ask it, his response is I don't want to be anything. His father takes this response at face value, but I know he says this because he thinks he can't do anything. He's afraid to try things because he thinks he will fail. Then I remembered that same little girl I used to be, I knew I could do things if I tried, but the thought I always had in my mind was that I wouldn't live to see myself being a grown up. It was a weird thought. I had that thought throughout my teenage years, as well. My brain always drew a blank about my future, I thought this meant that I wouldn't have a future. I wonder if he has a thought similar to that. Maybe he thinks he will always fail whatever he does. When we talk to each he even says that he can't be a good boy, he will always be in trouble. He said that he wishes he could be a good boy, but he doesn't know how.

I just hope that he will do better soon. I want him to be happy, I want him to no longer have that reputation of the kid no one wants in their class. He's so smart and he retains so much information. He is learning French and his teachers always say that he is doing great with retaining the language. I want my baby boy to do better, I want my baby boy to experience a happy childhood. I don't know what else to do.