A Little Black Book

There was so much stuff to go through. Kate had wanted to start sorting things while her father was sick, but there was simply not enough time for that. Now that the funeral was over, all she felt was emptiness. Looking around the house, she felt completely overwhelmed. Where should she start?

As a librarian, she wanted to start with the books, but she knew that was a bad idea. She decided to start with the kitchen. There were a few things in the kitchen that she wanted to take home, but the rest would either go to charity or be thrown away. She decided to leave some basic items in the cupboards until the house was sold just in case anyone needed to stay there. After cleaning out the cupboards, she made a cup of tea and sat at the kitchen table that she’d sat at so many times over the years. One room down, so many more to go.

Just as she was thinking of heading home, her phone buzzed. It was Brian. She wasn’t sure if she should answer the phone. Until the funeral, they hadn’t seen each other in several years. Their families had been intertwined for most of her life, but their relationship had always been one of missed opportunities. They were never single at the same time, and now they were both married. She was so happy that he came the funeral, but it brought back a lot of memories, both good and painful. Brian had been her late brother’s best friend. When Jack had been killed in a car accident, when the boys were in high school and Kate was in elementary school, Brian really helped the family cope with the sudden loss. She felt that she’d always be in love with him for being there for her parents. Brian finished high school and left for college. By the time he came back to settle down after graduate school, she was in high school herself. He was too old for her then so they both moved on with their lives. There had been break-ups and many chances, but she was grateful that he kept in touch with her dad after her mother’s death. And now he was back in her life. It was scary because things in her marriage were rocky. Her husband hadn’t been there for her during her father’s illness. He made her feel guilty for spending so much time away from home as though she was out having fun instead of take care of her dying father. And now she was going to have be away even more to clean out the house and settle the estate.

She picked up the phone. “Hello.”

“Hi, how are you?”

“I guess about what you would expect. I’m exhausted and sad. Incredibly sad.”

“Do you want me to come over and help? Or at least bring you something to eat?”

Kate paused for a minute, then said “Yes, that would be nice. Thank you.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Kate wasn’t sure what to think. They hadn’t been alone in years. And she was surprised by all the feelings that were bubbling to the surface. She was both hungry and lonely and, for her, that was a dangerous combination.

Brian arrived with some cheeseburgers and fries from Dick’s. He’d also remembered to get her a chocolate shake. They sat at the kitchen table and ate, much like they did years ago, only now they were the adults in the room.

“How are you really?” Brian asked.

“Mostly numb, I think. I just went through the kitchen cupboards, but I’m not sure where to go from there. It all too much. Dad wouldn’t let me go through anything these past few years and there’s so much stuff. Obviously, a lot of it will just be thrown away . . . but what to do with the rest of it? I can’t fit it in my house.”

“What can I do to help?”

Brian watched her as she tried not to cry. The offer of help made her tear up. He had always been so kind. She knew how much he’d loved her father and that he was grieving too. It took a few minutes before she could risk talking.

“Would you help me with his personal items? There are a few pieces of clothing that I want to keep, but I’m not sure about the rest of it. It might not even be worth donating. Then there’s all the leftover medications and toiletries. I think that his personal items will be the hardest for me to go through so I’d really appreciate your help.”

“I’m happy to help with that. When do you want to get started?”

“Not today. I’m too tired and emotional already. How about tomorrow? What time are you available?”

“I can be available anytime.”

“No, really. You have a job and a wife. I appreciate your willingness to help, but I don’t want Olivia to be angry at me for taking up too much of your time.”

Brian sighed. “Olivia and I are having some problems. I’m not sure exactly where things stand right now, but she knows that this is important to me. Your dad was very good to me and I will really miss him.”

“I know. He often talked about you. And I appreciate how you kept in touch with him all these years.”

“Ok, so tomorrow? What time?”

“I need to go to work in the morning. Would noon work?”

“Yes, noon is great.”

“Thank you. And thanks again for the food. I’ve been forgetting to eat a lot these days and I’m sure that isn’t help anything.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow. You know that I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”

After he left, Kate got up from the table and walked down the hall to the master bedroom. The bed looked like it was ready for her father to climb right in and the room still smelled of him. He wasn’t big on wearing cologne, but she caught a whiff of his aftershave that still lingered in the air. Maybe that was just her imagination or wishful thinking. She went into the bathroom and found a mostly full bottle of Old Spice. She opened it and ran it under her nose. Yes, that’s what he smelled like in her memory. She carried the cologne down the hall and put it in her purse. She’d put it with the bottle of Chantilly that she had saved after her mother’s death. Being a grown up really sucked.

They both arrived at the house at the same time the next day. Brian had brought some Chinese food and they sat down at the kitchen table again to eat. It was still awkward being alone, but they started talking like they did when they were younger, only now the topics were much more serious including life, death, and taxes. Brian was a CPA and as drawn to numbers as Kate was to words, but they both respected each other’s career choices.

“Should we get started?” Kate said after they’d finished eating.

“Yep. Let’s do it.”

They made their way to the master bedroom. Kate had pause for a few minutes to catch her breath.

“Let’s start in the closet,” she said.

“Sounds good. Should I go get some boxes to sort the stuff into?

“Yes, that would be helpful.”

While Brian left to find some boxes, Kate opened up the closet and again smelled the faint smell of Old Spice.

“I found a few boxes downstairs. I can always find more if we need them.”

Kate took all the pairs of pants out of the closet.

“Let’s look at these closely to see if any of them are worth donating. I’m not sure when dad last bought a pair of pants!”

They pulled out a few pairs of the pants that were still in decent shape and put them in the box for charity. The rest went straight into a trash bag.

“Let’s do shirts next, then sweaters.”

Kate found the pink shirt that she used to “borrow” when she was a teenager. She was definitely going to keep that. She also decided to keep a couple of flannel shirts and a sweater vest. The rest were separated into the piles for charity and garbage.

“There’s just coats left in here, and there’s some in the hall closet. Would you like any of them?” Kate asked Brian. “I think that dad had a couple of really nice coats that might fit you.”

“Maybe, we’ll see.”

Brian looked awesome in her dad’s long wool coat. “You really need to keep it. It looks great on you.”

“There’s something in the pocket.” At first Brian though it must be a pair of gloves or a hat, but it felt too firm. Then he pulled out a black Moleskin journal. “I wonder why this was in his pocket?”

“He must have forgotten it. He always loved jotting down notes in his Moleskin journals. I’m sure there are quite a few of them around the house.”

Brian handed the book to Kate. “I think he meant for us to find this.”

Kate opened the book and just stared at it. It was a journal for a money market account that she’d never heard of. The note inside read: “I’ve left this here in the hope that you and Brian will be going through the coats together. Your mother and I received some money from Jack’s life insurance, but neither of us wanted to use the money so we agreed to invest it for you and Brian. We always believed that the two of you would end up together. I realize now that that may not be the case, but I hope you both consider it as we’ve known how in love you have always been with each other. We don’t want you to miss out on the kind of love that your mother and I shared.”

Kate started to sob. She had no inkling that they’d put away any money for them. Or that they knew about her feelings for Brian even though she’d always tried to keep them to herself. Holding that journal, she felt the deep love of her parents and missed them even more.

“I can’t believe it; there’s $20,000 in this account. Did you have any idea about this?”

“No, although we often talked about investments.”

Kate sat down on the bed and Brian sat down next to her, but neither of them spoke. They simply stared at each other.

Brian broke the silence. “I’ve always been in love with you, but it’s never seemed like the right time to tell you.”

As Kate thought back over the years, she realized the truth. “It’s always been you. The reason that none of my relationships have lasted is that I’ve compared them all to you. It’s wasn’t fair, but I know it’s true.”

Brian took her hand. “We’ll figure this out together.”