A good marriage, all need to cross this hurdle

Many lovers and couples, after many conflicts and frictions, often attribute the cause to the incompatibility of their personalities, accusing each other of being "easy to change, the nature is difficult to change", and thus parting ways.

I have seen many couples who appreciate each other before marriage, but after marriage, they blame each other, and appreciate and blame the same character traits.

For example, there is a woman, before marriage, especially appreciate her boyfriend - tall, handsome, funny, everywhere you go is the focus of attention, feel and he is very happy together, but also very dignified.

But after the marriage, he still received a lot of women's attention, his kanji became a deliberate fancy, so they often quarrel with each other.

There is also a couple, they fell in love when they feel that each other's personalities complement each other, is the perfect combination.

The man is optimistic and spontaneous, not regretting the past, and not worried about the future, happy at the moment.

The woman is capable and responsible, from childhood, to help the family to take a lot of responsibility, because the mother is sick, the father is always away, she is the eldest, so take care of siblings, mother, do housework on her shoulders, in her world in addition to work and responsibility, do not know what relaxation and happiness.

So, when she met this guy, who was a big-hearted, carefree and happy guy every day, she was attracted to him, and had a long-lost relaxation and pleasure with him, so that life could be lived like this!

But life after marriage is very unsatisfactory, because she found that this man does not worry about anything, home, home, his own parents, nothing to worry about, always say that there will be a road before the car to the mountain. She is the one who has to arrange everything in advance, everything has to be in order.

She found that she was the one who took everything on in the end, because she was used to taking everything on.

But her happy, spontaneous gentleman just lived in the moment, which in her opinion was completely irresponsible, and then they often argued, and finally the gentleman laughed less and less at home, and then he didn't come home as much as possible, came home late, came home less, and finally had a long cold war on the grounds of personality incompatibility.

In the early stages of building an intimate relationship, something that attracts the other person, in the middle and later stages often becomes unbearable for the other person.

The truth of the world is this, capable people are bound to have a strong side, serious and meticulous people tend to overthink, optimistic and spontaneous people are often simple and naive and do not care much about anything.

There are many aspects of a person's personality that tend to show up at different moments, and you will feel differently.

When you think it is appropriate to appear - you will feel that this is his personality, or even good qualities.

At the time you think it is not appropriate - it becomes his defects. In fact, since the beginning, people do not change.

You enjoy the advantageous side of this personality, you have to bear the defective side of this personality, which is the two sides of the same coin, it is impossible to take only one of them.

The stage of personality incompatibility is precisely the beginning of our mutual togetherness.

In an intimate relationship, there is no question of personality compatibility, but rather the question of love and non-love.

After living together, when the two sides are familiar with a certain degree, suddenly found so close to each other, there are so many differences between the two, this stage of alienation is not character incompatibility, but only the inevitable result of intimacy into a special stage.

It can be said that the stage of personality incompatibility is precisely the beginning of our mutual togetherness.

The beginning of mutual friction is the time to answer the following questions.

1. what do you really like?

2. What do you really need?

3. What do you want me to say and do?

4. What do you expect me to do or not to do?

5. What can I do to make you feel comfortable?

For example.

You can ask: "I especially want to be your lover with a score of 10, what score do you give me now?" If the person says, "I give you a 6," you can then say, "That's a bad 6. I want to be an 8. How can I be your 8?"

Now, close your eyes and feel how you would feel if your lover asked you these questions calmly and with concern when you were unhappy. How would you answer? What would be the result?

A couple or a couple's personality compatibility is not innate, but the result of mutual friction, so it is called friction.

In an intimacy class, I asked a husband, "What do you need your wife to do?"

He said, "You don't have to do anything, just do 'look at me with adoring eyes and talk' and I'll give her a 10. "

Another man said, "I'll give her a 10 as long as she doesn't complain."

......

I find that there is very little communication between couples in this area today, so I suggest that you go back and ask your lover and also tell him/her, "Honey, in my heart I give you a 6, I want you to become a lover of 8, and I want you to do that ......"

You have to tell your lover or sweetheart what to say and do, not to say "I wish you could be nicer to me and understand me better".

The reason is that being nice and understanding is too abstract, it's how you want to feel, and feelings are experienced through concrete things.

I remember a woman told me, "I want my husband to be nicer to me."

I asked, "How would that be better?"

She said, "Just hit me four times a week, not every day."

I was really dumbfounded and never thought that being nice would mean that.

So, be very specific about what he needs to do.

You might say that telling him/her would be meaningless. But I'll tell you, honey, let's address the question of whether or not, it's really not fun to have nothing.

A wife went back to her husband after an intimacy class and taught him, "You have to put your arms around me like this, hold me tightly in your arms, and then put your face against my forehead."

I asked her, "How does that feel?"

She said, "For the first time in years of marriage, I feel that his chest is solid, his arms are strong, and he is happy to be taught to hug."

I have witnessed many families go from creating conflicts, to being on the verge of divorce, to learning and then changing, to loving each other as before.

Everything can change, if one is willing to face and learn.