A child's sense of independence is a sign of growth

Parents install cameras in their 14-year-old's room to keep tabs on whether the child is studying, leading the child to call the police. Even guardians need to pay attention to the boundaries and limits of control over their children. Not to mention the issue of invasion of privacy, parents' overly controlling parenting style will only bring counterproductive results, allowing children to push their parents further and further away or to take drastic measures to assert their independence and autonomy.

Parental exclusion is the child's "declaration of independence"

The parent-child relationship is the only one of all loving relationships in the world that separation points to, i.e., the child will eventually become an independent member of society, leaving his or her parents to follow their path in life. Parents who realize this early will be more willing to cultivate their children's independence, self-confidence, responsibility, and other qualities; they will also pay attention to maintaining distance in the parent-child relationship, instead of watching their children's every move every day and tightening their children's grip, which only results in seeing each other.

A parent once confided in me, "The older my child gets, the harder it is to control him, and he kicked me out of his circle of friends in middle school! It's really sad." Children can't wait to push their parents away, but parents still want to control their children's words and actions in real-time - is this conflict irreconcilable?

Where there is oppression, there is rebellion, and excessive control is bound to trigger a child's rebellion against the adult world. Especially when children enter adolescence, they begin to develop a strong sense of self and a strong desire for independence, and they are more reluctant to be controlled by parents and elders than when they were young. Rebellion against the adult world is a way for them to explore themselves. If parents still treat their children like babies and toddlers, asking questions about everything and controlling their children's every move, they will make their children feel that their parents are interfering too much and that they have no freedom. Once the need for independence is suppressed, children will find ways to fight back, whether it is kicking parents out of their circle of friends or calling the police in the case, or installing cameras, it is a "declaration of independence" for children to fight for their autonomy.

Children's sense of independence needs to be respected

Children have different developmental characteristics at each stage of growth, parents first need to understand these characteristics, to know what period should focus on what issues, in which stage need to develop the child's ability to have enough sensitivity to the important points and issues in the process of child growth.

For example, an adolescent's sense of independence is a sign of growth, and parents should rejoice in it rather than suppress it. As long as it does not involve principles and bottom lines, they can give their children more space and freedom for self-management; they should not chase after everything or control it all the time, just like the parents in the news, or even install cameras to monitor their children. During adolescence, if parents can respect their children's privacy and trust their children's ability to manage themselves, they are giving them more confidence and courage on the road to independence.

Excessive monitoring is difficult to achieve the desired effect in the parent's minds, and it is impossible to judge the child's true learning efficiency, and it can destroy the child's intrinsic motivation and autonomy. Children who are constantly monitored by their parents will habitually feel that they need to study and behave well only when they are supervised and that they can stop studying or do whatever they want when they are out of sight.

Improving the relationship with your child starts with listening

As they get older, children begin to intentionally distance themselves from their parents and even block information about themselves from their parents, such as not allowing them to see their friends. While worried and upset, parents should also think about whether there is a better way than monitoring to understand their children without making them resentful.

Many times it is because of the communication problems between parents and children that make children reluctant to open up to their parents. Good communication is the foundation of family harmony and a good parent-child relationship. No matter what the parents' initial intentions are, if they don't use the right communication methods, they are prone to conflicts with their children.

Adolescent children are impulsive and have weak emotional control. If parents are hard-headed, it is difficult for children to easily give in or be convinced by their parents, which will only make them feel that they are not understood and that it is difficult to get their parents' approval no matter what they do. They will think: Since this is the case, I will live in my little world and not let you see my circle of friends, and I will not let you know what I do and what I think.

Learning to listen is often the first step to improving communication with your child. Parents must be willing to listen patiently to their children and also try to understand what they are saying from the child's point of view. If you can't empathize with your child, you can't possibly understand him or give him the response he wants. Parents just need to let go of their emotions and the urge to lecture and concentrate on listening to their children quietly, and the first step in communication is in place.

When your child speaks his mind, you may not be able to agree with him, or you do not understand what he is saying, but do not rush to deny and evaluate. Listen to him first, respect his feelings, and let your child feel your respect. You can use questions to express your curiosity and understand the reasons for your child's ideas to find a breakthrough point in solving the problem and gradually build a trusting relationship between parents and children.

Parents should learn to be their children's spiritual guardians, giving them a certainty of unchanging love and a sense of security deep inside, helping them to have the confidence and courage to go into the future alone. No parent can be by their child's side all the time. If you compare a child to a pony, the reins in the hands of the parents have to be let go longer and longer. One day, we will let go of the reins completely, because the foal has grown into a thousand miles, and it will go after its meadow.