5 Horrible Things About Parenting a Transgender Teen

Parenting any teenager can be simultaneously wonderful and stressful.

Parenting a transgender teenager can have additional struggles that may seem impossible to overcome at times.

Some of these struggles are ugly and horrible. Some of them have had me sick to my stomach with grief, bawling my eyes out in frustration, and even doubting my ability to help my child.

These are some of the terrible things you will have to deal with if you are the parent of a transgender kid.

Suicidal Thoughts, Self-Harm, and Depression

There’s nothing more heartwrenching than learning your child is suicidal. Not all transgender individuals deal with this, but mental health issues are a common thread among trans folks regardless of their age.

More than half of transgender and nonbinary youth have seriously considered suicide. — The Trevor Project National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health 2020

My child was about twelve when his therapist told me he was suicidal. Instantly, it felt as if my world crumbled at my feet.

Was it really that bad? How could I have missed it was this bad?

Finding a therapist for my kid back then is still the best thing I’ve ever done for him. We were lucky that he’s had a few amazing mental health professionals he’s worked with. It’s so important to find one your kid connects with and feels comfortable speaking with.

I highly recommend finding a therapist familiar with transgender issues and one who has experience helping transgender patients. Not only does this make it easier to find someone who will truly help your kid, but it will also make it easier with any insurance issues that come up.

Fighting for Medical Coverage

For some medical treatments, it is an uphill battle to get insurance coverage. And because many of these necessary treatments — hormones, surgery, gender dysphoria therapy — will be ongoing, costly, or both, it can take its toll on your finances.

Therapy sessions can cost between $50 and $200 each session without insurance. There are some health insurance companies that still refuse to cover therapy for “gender dysphoria” so it’s important to find a therapist educated in gender therapy as well as one who understands the intricacies in billing.

If your teen’s transition includes any gender confirmation surgery you’ll typically need a letter from at least one mental health provider. A competent gender therapist can supply you with the necessary letter.

Any gender confirmation surgery considered is something any trans individual should discuss with their doctors. Surgery costs range from $12,000 to $50,000 depending on the procedure. I’ve found some research implying costs upwards of $100,000.

Some surgeons refuse to even attempt to bill insurance for you. Many simply do a cash business. Some surgeons will supply different estimated costs for procedures depending on whether or not they must deal with insurance at all. They simply offer a lower price for cash-paying clients.

Then there are other possible costs for physical transition. Hormone therapy can cost upwards of $200 a month depending on your medical insurance coverage — or lack thereof. Hair removal procedures can be $2,000 or more. If you work with a voice or movement coach it will cost you a minimum of $30 per hour.

Don’t lose hope though. There are companies out there that provide health coverage that includes gender confirmation surgery and the like. Do some checking. Google that sh!t. Save yourself some money while still advocating for your trans teen.

Ignorant Family Members and Friends

My son came out publically over six years ago. And yet, I still find myself educating and advocating for him with family and friends. The redundancy can be frustrating, but it has become second nature now to speak up on my son’s behalf.

It’s not always easy dealing with those people in your life who have been inside your circle of loved ones. Especially when one of them says something hurtful — judgmental, ignorant, spiteful — about your trans kid or your parenting skills. It can be tempting to bitch-slap a person.

I’ve learned my attempts to educate family and friends aren’t always successful. Not everyone has an open mind and is willing to listen rather than spout their own ignorant opinions to the contrary.

I’ve found that simply being transgender can be an issue up for debate with some. I often avoid speaking with these people any more than necessary because arguing achieves nothing but heartache.

I’ve realized I can love someone without liking them. And if I don’t like someone it’s easiest for me to continue loving them from a distance.

If you’re a parent to a trans teen, find yourself a group of parents dealing with similar issues. It was a tremendous help to me when I joined a parenting group. Surround yourself with people who ‘get it’ and who will support you at your best, but also when you’re at your worst.

Judgmental Strangers

The internet is a wonderful thing. It amazes me how easily I can connect with anyone from anywhere around the globe within moments.

Unfortunately, not all those people in the world will like what I have to say. Not everyone agrees with how I’ve raised my son. Some believe I’ve ‘turned’ him transgender.

Of course, this is ridiculous. Why would any parent want to put a target on their kid’s back? Transgender individuals are discriminated against, bullied, brutalized, and even murdered for simply being who they were born to be.

Ignorant people aren’t interested in statistics or scientific facts though. They’re interested in being perceived as right regardless of whether or not there is proof otherwise.

Being transgender is not a phase.

Being transgender is not a choice.

If someone is transgender, they were born transgender.

Brutal Attacks and Public Safety Issues

Every parent worries. Raising kids can be stressful especially when the world feels like a very scary place filled with people who allow their fear to grant them permission to act violently.

When my son was young there were times when he used a public bathroom and I stood waiting for him just outside the door. The entire time I’d inadvertently hold my breath. I’d stand ever so quietly listening to any sound that might escape that men’s room that would indicate my son was in trouble.

And then he’d come out unscathed and I’d greet him with a smile of relief.

No parent should worry about their kid being able to pee in peace. Every person should be able to use a bathroom without suffering some horrible attack.

The violence in this country — and the world — toward transgender folks is unacceptable and needs to stop.

This list is not my own personal pity-party. This list is my reminder of how important it is to advocate for transgender youth. So many of them are brave enough to live authentically. As their parents (and as adults), we have a responsibility to keep them safe, encourage them to be the best person they can be, and to love them unconditionally.

Giving parents the tools and information to best support their transgender or nonbinary children is what I strive to do with my writing and other content creation through LGBTQueer-ies.

If you are a stressed-out, overextended, concerned parent to a transgender teen, please know that helping and supporting your kid through their transition will mean everything to them. It won’t always be easy. But it will always be worth it.

Finding your tribe can be a crucial part in learning how to best support your transgender child. It's important to realize you are not alone in this journey There are many options and avenues to explore in finding more parents and families who are traveling similar journeys.

I was introduced to the therapy group that helped me so much by my son’s mental health provider. So Googling therapy offices near you and contacting them is always an option. Simply ask if they have experience with transgender patients. If they say yes, then ask if they can connect you with any support groups for parents.

If Googling isn’t your style, here is a list of sites that can help you connect with other parents — some in person, others completely online.

• PFLAG
• TransFamilies
• CenterLink: The Community of LGBT Centers
• Gender Spectrum
• Trans Lifeline
• LGBT Ireland
• Rainbow Families
• The Spaces Inbetween
• Family Equality
• Parents of Transgender Children (FB group)
• AlliesOfTransYouth (FB group)