20 Years Grateful; Freedom From Domestic Abuse

An Open Letter of Gratitude to My Daughter

Dear Blessed,

Although this year has been extremely trying I am the type of person who finds the light within every tunnel. This November marks the 20th anniversary of our family being free from domestic abuse. It is quite a milestone and what a fitting way to close out this exasperating year by celebrating the strength and love within our household. I think about how far we all have come over the years and I just smile. Today, I turn my attention to you regarding your courage as a child and how this very same courage woke me up quite literally to the reality of an undeniably deadly situation.

It was very late one night in the fall of 2000. We all had gone to bed for the evening. You and your 2 older sisters were asleep in your room. Your father and I slept in the next room along with your baby brother in his crib. The room was large enough to accommodate a nursery area which was ideal as he was a prematurely born baby and I wanted him close to me. Everyone was sound asleep except for you; my little night owl. You never had a regular sleep cycle even from an infant and on this particular night it would prove to be a true blessing.

I remember waking up to you screaming “mommy!”

I sat up, jolted like from a nightmare and you were screaming for me. You and your father were standing in the bedroom doorway. I remember you were wearing your favorite nightgown; purple Rugrats theme with Angelica on the front. I asked what was going on and your father said you were just up as usual and fighting to go back to bed. This didn’t strike me as too unusual, as I said before you were always my little night owl. The screaming part startled me more than anything so I got up to tuck you back in and to use the restroom. On my way back to my room I checked in on you and you were just lying there, facing the door, staring at me. For whatever reason I was unable to fall back to sleep so I just rested, waiting for the sun to rise just a few short hours later. Amazingly your dad was fast asleep but he did have to be at work for 7am.

After Your sisters left for school and your dad was gone for work for the day we followed our daily routine. You came with me to help with your brother playing the role of” little mamma.” It was always sweet the way you would listen out for his cries, sometimes getting him out of the crib and helping me dress him. On this particular morning you were very focused on my bed as I was making it up. Your brother was lying in the middle while you sat next to him. When I got around to your father’s side and went to fix the pillows I found a very unpleasant, sickening surprise. Underneath his pillow was a large knife, a butcher block knife which I slowly removed in utter disbelief. As smart and outspoken as you were you told me that Daddy was standing over me with it pointing down; watching me sleep. I remember just staring at your face then flashing back to the night before. This very moment is when all of my previous thoughts about leaving your father came rushing back. I never followed through, afraid that I couldn’t do it. The game plan completely changed with this discovery and SURVIVAL MODE KICKED IN!!!

You are a true hero to me and I shudder to imagine how that night would have played out if it were not for you. As you know things in that household were not good. I think for a long time I told myself that no abuse was going on because none of us were ever beaten; never any marks or bruises. We were once such a happy family surrounded in laughter and good times. The truth is those days were gone and I couldn’t remember a happy day, not one for quite a long time... Discovering that knife was a serious smack of reality and I got you, your siblings and I out of that house within a week, all the while bullshitting your father. I played the role of so called “behaving” as to not enrage him yet terrified that we would never actually make it out the front door. But we did and if it were not for you, honestly I do not believe I would be here today writing you this letter.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so brave and strong. You were 3 years old and witnessed something that no human should ever see never mind a little girl who was practically a baby. You were always so aware of everything around you from such a very young age. I remember your grandmother used to say you were one nosy child. We used to joke about how nothing got by you and I am so grateful for this trait in you. Many years have gone by since that horrific experience. Our family has suffered anxiety and depression on different levels even PTSD with reoccurring nightmares but with therapy and a strong support system we are all alive and thriving today.

When I told you that I was writing this letter and submitting to Vocal Media you agreed that it would be fine since you and I both feel that speaking out is healthy. You said that you will cry when you read this which I do not wish for you to do so. You also told me that you did what any normal person would do given the same situation and it isn’t that serious. I appreciate your humble attitude but to me what you did was heroic and potentially saved your mother maybe even the entire family. No one should ever be put in a predicament like that and I once thought that those were things that could never happen to us. It always just seemed surreal like a scene from a crime investigation show or something seen on the evening news. I am thanking you today and want you to know how very proud of you I am. You have had your inner struggles throughout the years but perseverance is yours. You have been a backbone for me when I have felt weak and inspiration on days when I felt lost and without hope. One day I will publish a novel of our entire story hoping to reach other young girls, women, children and men who may need some direction or a push to take their own stand. We both know that not all victims of domestic violence leave their abusers out of fear and sadly others do not escape with their lives. As a survivor I want to be an example for people, letting them know that it is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It also doesn’t just miraculously happen overnight. There is a whole process called “grooming” and abusers know exactly what they are doing.

As I bring this letter to a close please know that I will forever be grateful for your heroic actions 2 decades ago. Your courage as a very small child woke me up from my delusions that our family just had some “problems.” Your presence forced me take to off the blinders I hid behind giving me a false sense of hope that somehow our situation would rectify itself. An innocent child who I knew was frightened but told a horrifying account of her father’s actions with such frankness; you gave me the gift of power to make a stand. No amount of abuse is ok and the reasons to justify it should always fall upon deaf ears. Together, you and I have become quite a force field over the years; surmounting all of our challenges. Blessed, you are so much more than a daughter to me; you are my confident and one of my dearest most trusted friends. Please, always draw on the strength that you have no matter what you come up against in this life. You truly are selfless and genuine; a beautiful soul.

Love,

Mom xxx

Domestic violence cases are up due to isolation with the pandemic. Also cases tend to escalate during the holiday season. If you or anyone you know needs assistance please call 800.799.SAFE (7233).