12 Years Younger

Dear Julianne,

When you were born, I felt immediately that you were one of the greatest loves of my life. I wanted to take care of you, watch you grow, hold your hand through tough moments and make sure you always felt loved. There are twelve long years between our entrances into the world, but they feel like twelve minutes when we spend time together. We have this tiny, unspoken thing in us that feels a lot like magic. We can even talk without saying a thing! You simply send me a look from across the room and I am instantly laughing so hard, tears form in my eyes. My little sister, you bring so much light to my life.

I remember the first time I held you in my arms, your tiny little fingers wrapping themselves around mine. I could sense your strength even then. This was something I barely understood myself, but you were already so confident and sure of yourself. You knew exactly what you wanted and you knew how to get it. I remember how you never wanted to be held as you preferred to be left to your own devices. You just wanted to see, touch, and taste everything you could! You always wanted to hang out with me and you frequently fell asleep on my shoulder though. Secretly, I felt a bit superior to the rest of the family when I was able to get you to bed faster than anyone else.

You were such a curious baby and you loved to learn. Music was something we always shared, even then. When you first learned to walk, you would follow the sound of music anywhere. We used to turn on music videos in the living room and dance around for hours. You loved listening to everything I did and now you are one of the people I love to attend concerts with the most. When the pandemic is over, I am hoping we will be able to attend shows in tiny venues and dance to music so loud it leaves our ears ringing for days again.

Speaking of things we share- I’ve never gotten you into books! Despite the hundreds of novels and short stories and collections of poetry that litter literally every room in my house, you’ve never really been drawn to reading the way I have. It’s okay but I do think that’s a bit funny seeing as pretty much everything else I love, you love too!

The space between us used to be so small that I couldn’t see it. Now it’s growing with you, getting a little bigger and more worldly every day. I used to resent that distance, though now I recognize it for the fierce independence you’ve always had. You’re nearly 16 so I know you’re itching to get out of the house and drive into whatever sunsets you think have called your name. Please know that I am always going to be here watching you succeed. You always have a place to call home in my heart, and I will always love being your big sister. Maybe pick me up some souvenirs on your journeys, if you remember!

Sometimes I see so much of myself in you that it makes me nervous. I don’t want you to be sad, or scared, or tired the way that I am. These are the things about myself that I find hard to love. In you, I see their softness and give them more grace than I could ever give myself. I am trying to be as gentle with me as you are with yourself. Did you know that you inspire me to be braver and kinder every day?

You’ve always been a master of time. For you, it’s less like sand between your fingers and more like little diamonds you choose to give away. Today, I get to watch you blossom into friendships and relationships with people that deserve your time as you effortlessly reject things that do not serve you well. You are nobody’s fool. You are smart, funny, interesting, lovely, and such a caring individual. I am so grateful that you think of me as a person with whom you want to share your time.

Julianne, you are so easy to love and so profoundly brilliant. I am thrilled to be a part of your life. I am so proud of the person you are. I hope you know that no matter what happens, I will always be standing in your corner with your favorite candies and a big smile on my face.

You will always be my heart. I love you.

Love always,

Talia