The Suffocation of Private School

The misfit feeling was one I had experienced before, but not to the extent that exists in the world of private schools.

It felt like the judgement began before I even stepped a foot inside the school as I was driven to school in vehicles that had no heat, no air, and were barely holding on while others were driven to school in the newest models of cars and some students arrived in their own personal Mustangs. The element of secret keeping was in full effect right away since it was highly frowned upon to discuss who received scholarships to attend the school and of course, I had received a scholarship because that was the only way I was able to attend a private school.

I attended two separate private schools, one in Georgia that classified itself as a Classical Christian School and one in South Carolina that classified itself as just a Christian School. They were both distinctly different experiences and I also had a completely different home life when we moved states. So that the two do not get confused I will solely discuss the one in GA which I attended for 4 years.

Before I discuss the other ways that I experienced feeling like a misfit, I need to disclose that there was a small percentage of students whose home lives were similar to mine (perhaps more than I knew) so this in no way applies to every single student who attended school with me. I had a small friend group and I did not feel like a misfit at all when I was with them.

Given that these private schools are Christian, that immediately (even though it shouldn't) meant that conversations involving subjects like LGBTQIA+ and divorce were automatically negative. Some might think that this would be mostly discussed in bible classes and chapel (which happened weekly); however, it felt as though it was brought up in all classes at some point. I believe that majority of students did not necessarily hold these viewpoints that were being taught to us, but it is easier to not take the teachings personally if they do not apply to you.

My parents got divorced during the time I attended this school and at that time I also privately identified as bisexual (I now identify as pansexual) so when those topics were discussed it felt like some kind of personal attack on me or my family.

There were students who had been attending private schools for their entire lives and had also been brought up with money, neither of which I had experienced at the time I attended this school. Some of the students who grew up that way were absolutely kind people who would never intentionally hurt someone, but there were others who did not behave that way. These students were not the enemy in my eyes but I do not think some of them thought deeply about their actions and how their actions would make others feel. I kept to myself and my friend group to avoid negative interactions with others (and also due to my anxiety) but there was still a few instances of bullying that have stuck with me to this day. I do not hold it against the individuals because I like to believe that they have evolved as humans, but I can remember how I felt at the time.

The first experience that stuck with me has two parts and my brain cannot remember what order they happened in but I don't think that affects the story. One of the parts happened in the lunchroom and the other part happened outside during P.E. In the lunchroom, my friend who was a girl and I were sharing a piece of cake that she had brought with her for lunch and she had offered to share with me. It was a completely innocent situation that did not appear weird to me, but a male student who I had rarely interacted with started saying things to us like we were dating or "oh look at them sharing cake together". These comments probably would not have bothered me so much if I was not secretly queer, but they were also said in a way that was obviously intended to be hurtful and trying to call us out. In the part that occurred outside, the same friend and I were walking around in the woods that were right next to the area in which we were having P.E. for that day. We walked out from behind a tree where we were talking to each other and the same male student yelled that we had been behind the trees kissing with the objective to embarrass us... and it worked.

Another major incident that has stayed with me was more malicious in my opinion because it was done behind my back at first. During this year, we had journals that we would use periodically for a certain class and the journals would stay in that classroom. A different male student had access to that classroom after school one day and decided to take my journal and write an entry that appeared to make me sound like I was crazy. The next day when we went to that class he started talking about this entry that he wrote and showed it to other people. I immediately stated that I did not write that and it was clear that I hadn't written it because it was not even close to my handwriting, but his friends went along with him and proceeded to make fun of me with him. I also found out much later that he had taken a picture of it and posted it on his social media and people had liked and commented on it.

There were other smaller incidents that happened while I attended that school, but those two were the ones that I think about often. Like I said, I don't hold it against the people involved because I know that we were young and stupid and I have hope that they would not do something like that now. However, their actions did still hurt me and I cannot completely forget about it. I also don't regret going to school there because I found several friends there and I found one of my best friends there who I still talk to almost daily.

Private schools can be very beneficial because if the public schools in that area do not generally test well, then getting a better education could be worth it, but the price that students pay is often overlooked. Depending on the student's background and personal experiences, they could end up enduring bullying from students or feeling called out by teachers in order to obtain their education.