The Hell of Adulthood and University

The truth about changing into adulthood is that it sucks. I’m 18 years old and I changed countries to pursue my education. I always thought that I wanted adulthood, I needed to get out of my parents’ house, I needed the freedom of adulthood.

When I first moved, I cried my eyes out. I started missing things I originally hated, and I couldn’t stand saying goodbye to pets and family. I came to England with expectations and dreams. I thought I was finally living out a fanfiction I read when I was 14. But as soon as I moved, I just missed home. I missed hot water in a nice shower (definitely not uni’s accommodation shower), I missed home cooked food cooked by my mom or an actual adult who didn’t just chuck things together and hoped it turned out edible.

The first month of university was when I saw my first obstacles and when my anxiety kicked in. It kicked in hard as I couldn’t sleep properly, and my stomach felt tight. Kind of felt glad it did because I lost a few pounds.

I felt lonely and making friends didn’t seem as easy as it did in the movies or in those silly, usually badly written fanfics. I usually don’t enjoy going to clubs or getting piss drunk, but I felt like doing so was the only way to make friends as my flatmates were quiet and reserved people who didn’t seem to enjoy doing much. Maybe I was the one being hyper about getting my brain drenched in alcohol, just so I could fit in.

I soon realized clubs weren’t my thing and getting drunk was not fun when you’re slightly depressed and very homesick. Although it sounds like I’m telling you how university was horrible and moving to another country didn’t have any good sides, it really did.

I could finally move to my boyfriend’s country and even though we are still long distance, he is still in university first year.

So technically, I’m not going through the depressing side of moving to uni bullshit. At least, going to see him almost every weekend gave some sense of going home and finally feeling safe and happy.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. But what about finances and money and jobs and bank accounts and food shopping and cleaning and taxes and ah! Yeah that hit me too, and it hit me hard. I had one of the worst days of my life until now. I’m 18 and I got up one morning, bright and early, ready to get my life sorted … (finally).

I walked down to get my national insurance number which I happily did.

It went terribly well. I was not expecting the lack of luck it was to come. I tried to go to one of the banks to get a student account which my boyfriend had as well. I already went there a million times to get my bank account sorted but I was turned down every time because of a stupid letter that confirmed my student status. I got there, they told me I could do it and offered me a bank appointment in an hour on that same day. In a few words, let’s say how it was the shittiest experience I had to go through. I don’t know anything about banks or bank accounts, so I was trying to do my best to understand everything.

Anyway, they requested stuff I didn’t have like a weird UCAS number and I didn’t find it in any of the emails.

Two people said different things I needed, and I had to go home and come back twice, leaving me in a sweaty, angry mess. Not to mention that I ripped one of my favourite tops and couldn’t get over at how shit people were.

I had the bank appointment for an extremely long hour to, in the end, be declined and not told why.

Since then, I avoided going to any bank or even getting a job because how my past jobs were hell and I was treated like complete bullshit. Finally, I did get a bank account but I’m still anxious and I want to cry my eyes out everytime I even think of socializing with people or asking for a job anywhere.

You must be thinking I’m a disaster and that I could have done better. And it’s true. I saw people in the same situation as me getting everything sorted and on top of that making friends and amazing memories. Also posting every single thing they did with their new snazzy friends on Instagram which made me want to throw up and quit all of this.

The truth is, if you’re an anxious person, you’ve had history of mental illness and you don’t adapt well to things, things are going to be hard. Everything will seem meaningless and you’ll probably feel alone in a black hole (especially if you’re an introvert like me).

I’m saying that failing and being afraid is part of starting adulthood and it's part of a whole learning experience. I was looking at all these situations incorrectly.

Shit happens, and we need to know it’s not going to last forever. My tip for university is… I don’t know. I haven’t learned enough to tell you what my tip is. I guess all I can say is to keep your head up and think that adulthood is actually very cool.

At least that’s what I try to do. The new semester is now coming, and I’ll probably come back to you with my rants on how shit adult life can get.