On Being a Pregnant Post-Grad

You won't fail to find articles, opinion pieces, tweets and memes about the plights of being a graduate student today. The ones that have emerged since institutions have haphazardly thrown together online only, mixed, in-person versions of their courses since the pandemic has graced us with its presence tend to be particularly witty and cynical. What you rarely find conversation about, are post-grads starting families while doing their degrees. Masters, Doctorates, Post-Docs who are expecting are largely absent from the mass writings.

Is it because there are none? That it's not encouraged? Looked down upon even? It's hard to say, but those are likely all possibilities. The narrative that woman should wait to start a family until after they secure a job in academia is common, furthered even by jokes that once they get hired they'll disappear on leaves and sabbaticals to "pump" kids out while they still can. Institutions don't advertise that they have graduate student parental leaves available, and the ones that do, financially speaking, don't make it enticing to do so unless you have a partner that can bear the weight of all the finances during this time. Timelines I'm sure play a big part in decision making, is graduating late worth it? Can you "afford" to collect data a year later? Defend that proposal late, finish that publication another time, apply for that scholarship in another year? The culture that lives in those ivory walls often says "no, you can't" productivity is just as key as your performance and perception.

So what then? Wait to have a life outside of your degree for another 2,3,4, years? Why are we letting these absurd cultural clichés make decisions for us?

I can tell you now I didn't bother.

I got married while in grad school (another "hinderance") and now, two years later, I'm starting a family with my partner. The thought process wasn't a light one, having to keeping in mind all of the narratives above, money, timelines, perceptions, institutional offerings etc. It almost takes away the joy in starting a family having to manage so many milestones, deadlines, accomplishments I felt like needed to happen before this baby arrives. Worse? The snide looks and remarks of competitive cohort members who are not remotely in the same place of life as you are, still pushing to be the most productive, best, fastest student to the end-line. The pandemic, on top of this all, made it clear what priorities need, and need not conflict here. Even before baby, the idea of pushing myself to be published, to submit abstracts to every damn virtual conference that came through my mailbox because its "easier" and getting milestones done sooner because "I'm not doing anything else now" during the pandemic was a runner up to gardening all summer, going for hikes, and working on the side.

Becoming pregnant exacerbated all of those feelings. Putting aside the general extreme sickness and muscle killing fatigue I had straight through my second trimester, realizing what the future would look like is what really clarified things for me. I was growing a human, my priority was my body and health, and secondary to this, was completing a degree. The time I've spent in academia didn't make this my first thought process though, it took about three breakdowns during my first trimester to get there.

Baby or not, I'm going to get a degree. The difference now being that, it was easier to let go of the culture and clichés because I was home away from the other students and cohort members. I've spent a lot of time with myself, sure I'll need a publication or two to be considered for awards these days, yes I have to get my degree and complete milestones for it, but I don't need to do this any specific order or timeline to be successful. For all those other competitive assholes know, I could get a job before them because my priorities in life aren't one track. I'm pregnant, I'll have a kid, I volunteer, I work outside of school, my focus and values are not "be the best academic."

My view towards academia is changed, I'm better at prioritizing not because I have more to do, but because I know what matters more now.

I know that there aren't a lot of jobs out there, that I can't count on or fantasize my only career being as a being a professor. I have work experience beyond that of my peers and skills outside of typical grad school transferable skills because I want to set myself up for a job, period. It doesn't need to be an academic one, it would be nice if it was, but the world won't end if it isn't. I truly can't say this is the school of thought for most of my peers. Pregnancy has highlighted a lot of values I didn't want to reckon with before this. I'm not telling you to go out and start a family after reading this, I just want you think about the reality of the world your in, the culture, the immense number of opportunities that exist beyond those walls because its often not encouraged or emphasized and that on its own can ruin the many futures you could have.