I'm writing this at 5:47 AM on a Monday. I have been up all night going between writing this damn paper, doing work for another class, and occasionally playing a level on ToonBlast. Should I stop letting myself get distracted and just write the dumb paper? Duh. But why can't I? Well, I suppose I can; but why won't I? The thing is, it is so boring. I have felt myself losing the motivation to write and that scares me. I love writing. I love bringing words to life for others. I love everything about the craft. It truly is its own magic.
Magic or not, this paper is killing me. It's not even for a fun class. My dumb self decided to take technical writing so that I can have the experience of a more academic genre, and while it has given me insight to how businesses prefer to write and communicate, I feel as though it has drained my creativity. Or maybe I did it to myself?
You see, last year I went through a rough patch. I lost two grandparents in the span of three months, my anxiety was higher than ever (thank god I'm medicated now), I went through a heart-shattering breakup, some piece of scum took advantage of me when I was at my lowest, and I let all of that get to me. I was depressed and I didn't focus on school. I wanted nothing to do with it. Where did that get me, you might ask. Well, yeah, I was suspended from school for how low my gpa dropped in the span of a semester. Now I am in no way, shape, or form proud of that. Nor do I want any pity for the crappy year I had. That's not the purpose of this.
The purpose of this is that I want to let my creativity flow. I want to create magic and give people the pure happiness that reading books has given me. I want to cause smiles and tears and confusion and clarity between bookends. Why can't I? Again, I suppose I can; but what's stopping me?
Yeah. I'm stopping me. How stupid is that? I'm twenty years old and stopping myself from doing something I love. Isn't that crazy? How does one move past this point in their life. Every adult I've ever spoken to says college was the best time of their life. Why can't I relate to them? Why am I questioning everything? In my psychology class, I learned about the developmental stages, and twenty years old is in the stage of finding out who you really are, but is it this hard for everyone?
All three of my siblings have it figured out, and one is two years younger than me. What's the deal with that? Why can't I be like them? Why do I always compare myself to them? Am I trying to be what I see them to be?
I'm so unsure of so many things. I mean I have class in three hours and I'm up writing whatever this is. But thought dumps are quite clarifying. That is what these are called right--thought dumps? Or did I come up with that one on my own in my crazy mind? Maybe I'm just sleep deprived.
I'm so tired of doing all this school work. I suppose I did this to myself, though. College is hard. Nobody has ever denied that. This week is going to be the death of me. I'm going to be writing so much, and not even the fun writing. This semester I took Technical Writing, Editing, Drawing II, and a dumb computer class that the school requires. I cannot stand computers.
Well, that's not entirely true. I can't stand when the malfunction and I don't know how to fix them. That's all my little brother. He's so smart and very tech savvy. I admire him for that. He's handy in so many ways. I mean he has a full time job at a mechanic shop and goes to school for networking. What the actual F dude? How cool can you get?
I've been really irritated with him recently, but he is my baby brother and he is a good kid. He's just annoying sometimes. Younger siblings, am I right? It just turned 6:04. Is it even worth staying up anymore or should I grasp onto the last two hours of sweet, sweet sleep that I might get. Probably the latter. But school must be taken care of.
See! This is what I'm talking about. Finals week is the worst. It drives me crazy. I want to sleep because I am so utterly exhausted, but I want to do well in my classes. I should probably try to find a better way to balance this all. I had it all figured out at the beginning of the semester, but I only had two jobs at that point. Halfway through, I picked up a third job because I need to make more money in order to afford surviving. The environment is great. My coworkers and bosses are amazing--customers not so much. Half of the customers that come through that store make me want to jump off a cliff. Like, I'm sorry someone pissed in your Cheerios this morning, but it wasn't me, so, kindly, leave me the hell alone.
I wish writing for my classes this semester was as easy as writing the things on my mind. I wish finals week didn't exist and I could magically get an A on everything. Most of all, I wish I could have a normal sleep schedule. It's 6:08 now. My cat is laying next to me. He looks so peaceful. His stomach slowly rising and falling as he breathes, little noises escaping his mouth as he dreams. I think I'll join him. Two hours of sleep, then back to the mortal hell of a college kid during finals week. God, I need some sanity. Oh well, I suppose I chose the college life, and that's on me. Until next time, I suppose.