Believe the Dead Grandma

It’s mid-semester. We’re tired. We’re all so tired. In many colleges and universities, there is no spring break as we power straight through to graduation.

While moods dip, how many of us suspect the worst of every student? Do you open a class session on Zoom and imagine that every student with their camera off and mike muted is actually at the beach, throwing back a cold one, with hundreds of other Spring Breakers?

If you suspect that every student is trying to get away with doing as little work as possible, how does that suspicion color your interactions?

Chris is one of those shining stars — class president, community organizer, and volunteer. I don’t know him personally, but his tweets are inspiring.

This young man has the self-motivation to keep working despite a negative interaction with a prof.

But imagine how that interaction might affect a student who is less emotionally mature. “Fuck that, Grandma dies and he doesn’t even care. That woman raised me…I can’t even look at him. I’m not going back to class…” One interaction can make or break a student who is on the edge.

Are you cold?

I was working with one of my favorite students the other day, and the conversation turned to a particular faculty member. We’ll call him Dr. Frank.

“He’s brilliant. Really smart. I had him freshman year, but I had a total meltdown on him and told him about the stuff with my family, and his response was just, stoic, stone-faced. He said ‘OK’ and that’s all. I couldn’t take another class with him. He is just too cold.”

She would have learned so much from Dr. Frank. She’s right — he’s brilliant and a good teacher. But that early interaction broke a connection that could have been beneficial to both of them. She’s a well-read and articulate student. Good students like her can shift the chemistry of a class and make the learning environment better for everyone in the room.

Grow in Understanding

Empathy is an individual’s capacity to understand the behavior of others, to experience their feelings, and to express that understanding to them (Lam, Kolomitro & Alamparambil, 2011).

An authentic expression of empathy comes from understanding and experiencing another’s feelings. If you are feeling emotionally deadened this year, try asking yourself a few questions:

If a person who was not my student told me this, what would I do?

If a total stranger just told you that a loved one died, basic politeness would be to offer condolences, even if perfunctory. If an acquaintance broke down in tears, you might at least hand them a tissue and say, “there, there.”

If I were to believe this student is doing the best that they can, would I react differently?

When you suspect a student is playing on the beach instead of paying attention to your carefully-constructed lesson plan, you might hassle her when she asks questions in the study session for the next exam. But if you knew that the student turned off the camera because bandwidth at her rural home is limited, or because she doesn’t want you to see that she lives in poverty, would you do the same?

Can I put myself in the student’s shoes?

When an A student asks for an extension, I can easily remember times when I overextended myself in college. When someone I’ve mentally labeled “slacker” asks, I have a harder time stepping into those shoes. Then I remind myself to believe they are trying their best. Asking a few leading questions to find out what their barriers to completion are can help me be more understanding. It also gives me feedback on how I might design the assignment for better student success in the future.

Expressing Understanding (even if you aren’t feeling it)

It can be difficult to handle a student’s meltdown, especially if you are not an emotive person yourself. Your ideal may be to display affective neutrality — that is, you are emotionally neutral, but still caring.

Saying “OK” to a student’s outpouring of emotion is emotionally neutral, but a bit more is needed to show care.

• Use listening skills to maintain professional distance while helping your student feel heard. You will also be modeling emotional regulation and problem-solving.
• Set the scene so that you can talk with the student. If they have approached you in a line of other students after class, you might need to say something like, “This sounds like we need to have a deeper conversation. Could you hang out until I’m done with everyone else, or meet with me during office hours?” Try to make sure they know you aren’t just putting them off.
• Listen patiently to what the other person has to say. Make eye contact. Show acceptance, though not necessarily agreement, by nodding and saying, “I understand” or “I see” at appropriate moments.
• Rephrase what they tell you. “I hear that you are having a hard time with my class because of these family issues.”
• Don’t leap to solve their classroom problem for them. They may be able to move forward without any special accommodations, having talked through their issue.
• Use open-ended questions to help them through the problem-solving required to balance their emotions and class requirements. “What can we work out to help you meet course objectives with all of this going on?” If you are not flexible about course requirements, remind them of what they will need to do to succeed or how they can withdraw from the class.

Maintaining Standards and Boundaries

Being empathetic doesn’t mean you have to be every student’s best friend. Nor does it mean lowering your expectations. You can validate and have empathy for students, while at the same time holding them to high standards. In moments when you connect with students empathetically, you reinforce your belief in their ability to succeed.

And finally...

If you've been teaching in a mask or online all semester long, have some self-empathy too. It's not good for us or for our students when teachers get tired and cynical.

Take a break. If you can spare the time from a day's course content, give everyone a day to chill, or build a lesson in mindfulness or empathy into your class (if it fits the subject).

You will teach better, and they will learn better, in an empathetic classroom that isn't all stressed out.

Just be kind.