Amidst chaos, Amongst friends.

Back in 2021, I struggled with a mental breakdown that led to psychosis which is the name given for a mental health condition that causes hallucinations and delusions. I spent every day, for 9 months, in fear that someone was going to kill me and I was seeing and hearing the most horrific things from the moment I woke to the moment I'd finally fall asleep.

But I'd go through it all again.

The thing is as I recovered, I began to heal wounds I didn't know were still open. I lost my cousin in 2009, after she took her own life and I never grieved until 13 years later... when I began to see her in my room at night just as I remembered her. I spent weeks asking myself why she did it, a question we as a family have never gotten to the bottom of, and likely never will. But as I healed, why did you do it became - why?

Why does anything happen really?

Chaos theory was the closest I ever came to a scientific answer and in that I found I had a fondness of passion, that I'd never known existed in me. Chaos theory put simply, is the theory that cause and effect influences the outcome of any given situation no matter how small or grand a scale.

You've likely heard the idiom about a butterfly flapping it's wings and causing an Tsunami half way across the other side of the world.

That's chaos theory.

I was placed in psychiatric care in a hospital in glasgow, where I spent 3 months recovering from the psychosis that had been bought on by a sudden neurological shock wave of grief. I remember the hours I spent in the art room painting the solar system, establishing dimensions in my mind and working on understanding how there could possibly be 8 dimensions in the waking world, where only 3 are visible.

I look back on it now and if it wasn't for one particular individual taking an interest in my paintings of the solar system and various galaxies, I never would've found string theory either.

String theory is the ideology that everything in the universe is co-connected by various strings allowing the information out there, to function and behave the way it does. It's incredible.

I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

Because it allowed me to engage in a child like space where imagination is key and puzzles are never ending. At a time when I needed distraction, I had the universe providing me with stories and puzzles galore.

Through science outside of medication and therapy, I healed. I began to engage with other patients, telling them about what I'd read and learnt and they began to engage with me about what they knew and their opinions on certain subjects. It was incredible that somehow ,science seemed to be connecting us all on a fundamental level.

The voices began to cheer me on which was incredible. I'd spent months listening to them try and steer me down the same path as my cousin, only for them to begin saying;

"Oh my god, this is incredible. Keep going".

And I would. I'd stay up through the day and into the early hours of the night reading. I'd been made homeless due to my illness and I had nothing but a small suitcase of trinkets and a library card. My second saving grace.

Fast forward two years, I'm living in a new place with my partner (who I met in hospital which you can read about here: ) and as I write this piece, I've just accepted a place onto a college course where I plan to get my high school maths qualification. I'm also preparing myself for my exams next year in physics and chemistry with hopes of going to university to study for a masters in theoretical physics.

Whilst not a small moment. There were many passing moments where I'm soundly aware that as determined by the theoretical study of chaos theory, things could've turned out very differently. Had John not introduced me to string theory, I never would've found dark energy which is my subject of interest. I'm going for dark energy.

So yeah, from mental breakdown to potential physicist. It turns out a lot really can change in a couple of years.