Am I Stupid for Dropping Out?

Have I made the most fatal mistake of my life? After three successful years of university, I dropped out. I had a good reason (one that you don't really need to know about), but I was still surrounded by shame. I dropped out right in time for me to graduate. One more year, and I would have completed my undergrad. Another year after that, I would have earned my teaching degree. But despite all of that, I dropped out anyway. Am I a loser?

There are plenty of reasons as to why someone would want to drop out of school. Life gets in the way sometimes, and we all know this. I admire the people that are able to make it through still breathing, but I also feel for the people who aren't, considering that I'm one of them.

My decision to drop out of school wasn't really a decision. After having a horrible six months and a hospital stay, most of the people around me thought that it was a good idea for me to "take a break." I wasn't really in the right state of mind to jump right back into school, especially for what was going to be my hardest year! As much as I didn't want to stop school, I knew I needed to. Not to mention that I wasn't really interested in teaching anymore, because that's what happens when you grow up.

It's been four months since I should have gone back to school. I'm stuck in this middle section of my life; I feel like I'm too old and have been through too much to be stuck back at home working at a fast food place after seeing my possible future right in front of me, but I'm not ready to go back to school and start my life again. That's the trouble with trauma—any plans I had for my future were suddenly wiped away and replaced with different plans.

Not to mention, I have virtually no idea what I want to do! Sure, I have some ideas, but those are more like fleeting memories of a past life that pass through my mind, as if I'm in high school again and trying to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life. I feel stuck and I feel like I've let a ton of people down: my parents, my friends, my peers, my teachers, and myself.

But maybe it's not so bad. I've given myself a breather and some time to work out what I really want to do. The only reason I feel ashamed is because I'm too busy worrying about what other people are thinking. Do they judge me for taking some time for myself? Do they think that I'm a failure for making it so far, just to crash and burn for the moment?

Here's something that I wish university would have taught me: It's my life and I'm allowed to take as much time as I want to figure things out. I'm allowed to take the rest of my life to figure out what I want to do with it. Maybe I want to spend all of my years travelling the world and then go back to school when I'm 40. Maybe I just need to take a break.

Whatever your reason is, you need to remember that it's still your reason and your decision. Don't let the people around you shame you for what you've decided to do. Our health is so much more important than the opinions of others. How am I supposed to go on to be successful when I have a hard enough time getting out of bed in the morning?

I've spent a lot of time hating myself and wishing that things were different. I'm trying to learn that these things happen for a reason, and that there is some sort of better ending out there waiting for me. I'm starting to think that maybe it should always be like this—we should allow teenagers some time to work and think about what they really really want to do. High school isn't always the right place to figure out who you are, and I'm trying to enjoy this time I've given myself, because I want to use it to figure out who I really am.

Now I'm looking into social work. I'm thinking about interior design. I'm wondering if I should use my editing and writing skills to make movies. But there's no rush. I'm using my time to sort out my mind, and there's no reason to be embarrassed. Why should I feel ashamed that I'm taking care of myself? You're born alone and you die alone, so mine is the only opinion that matters.