A Parenting Nightmare

It's no secret that most parents aren't sure what to do with school age children at home right now. Even as an experienced teacher, my training is for kids that I get to SEND HOME at the end of the day.

Currently, my house consists of two preschoolers and a middle school student. All of their schooling is virtual. Every day the middle school student wakes up and "goes" to each class meeting and gets work done. Every Friday, the preschoolers meet with their teacher on zoom for 45 minutes, they run some exercises and get updates on how their speaking is progressing...

.... Or at least that's how it is supposed to go (when I don't completely forget that it's Friday and that I have a meeting...)

Friday, 8am:

You have 5 unheard voicemails. First voicemail, sent Monday October 5th. Your child was marked absent today. Please call the attendance office.

Second voicemail sent Tuesday October 6th. This is the attendance office. Please give us a call to set up a meeting about your child's attendance. They have now been marked absent 7 days in a row. Thank you.

Third voicemail, sent Wednesday October 7th. This is the principal. Please give me a call when you have a chance. We are hoping to meet with you and your child in person. Thank you.

Fourth voicemail, sent Thursday October 8th. Mrs. McDaniel, it is the principal again-" I hang up gritting my teeth together. Angrily, I dial the number. I try not to lose it on the two year old Beastie who is currently getting a free ride on my leg as I pace back and forth.

The phone rings. "You are not making this any easier little boy." He smiles delighted and clings to my leg tighter.

"Attendance office, how can I help you?"

"Hello, this is Mrs. McDaniel. I'm calling because I have voicemails saying my child has been absent? I'm just a little confused because she is in her room working everyday, as far as I know. I believe she is getting her work graded as well. I'm not sure why she is being marked absent for a whole week." The parent in me is concerned.

The teacher in me knows how easy it is to watch YouTube videos for hours (even with the school privacy locks) without getting caught, as long as you keep the work tab open in the background with half the work half done so it looks like you are working when Mommy/teacher comes around to check in.

"Ok, so it looks like she has not been logging on to each individual class meeting and so the teacher is marking her absent." We had a 30 minute meeting about this two wonderful weeks ago.

"So is she getting grades during class then? Because she has shown us work." Parent me pushes on despite the teacher in me kicking my ass.

"Um... it does look like she has some grades. But even today she was marked absent from all her classes. She has gym now, which she doesn't have to be live for, just needs to get the work done."

"Ok... so hang on. I just don't understand how the teacher sees her completing work but still marks her absent". I head towards her room to pass off the phone.

I open my teenagers door. I see the work on her computer. I want to believe she has not been lying. Teacher me knows better.

"So this happened last month, but she wasn't doing her work. So the absences had to stay but I'm looking at her now doing her work. So I just, I'm at a loss. Hang on, I'm going to put my daughter on the phone." This is already the second time this year she has sat at her computer for hours on end but not made any type of progress.

I see the stress stretch across my teenagers face. She has already had several talks, teacher meetings, and virtual school changes to try and help her get motivated.

But...

being on camera gives her extreme anxiety, not having the outlet of talking to her friends between classes is making her depressed, and barely getting to leave the house has dampened any hopes of having motivation. Our straight A student had somehow become absent all together.

As a parent, I just want her grades to get better without costing her emotionally. But at the same time, I want her to take responsibility for the lack of effort she is putting in.

As a teacher, I can hear myself at the other end of the phone, stressing out as I stare at the clock; wondering how long is this parent going to complain before I can get to the 100 other students who are waiting on me, the grades that need entered, the meeting I'm late for, and the lesson plans I will have to write while helping my own children with their homework later that night, the IEP plans I will read as I rush to get ready in the morning. Even my dreams are about student achievement.

And ladies and gentleman, that is WITHOUT a pandemic going on; as I have refused to work during the pandemic for the safety of our youngest Beasties.

For the brave teachers who are out in schools right now, I guarantee you they are doing the workload of at least five different people. I know they are not sleeping well, I know they are going home depressed and deflated, I know they cry at how badly they feel they are failing your child, I know they pray that parents will be more understanding and that kids will find some magical tap of motivation that will carry them through the end of the year.

I know this, because even without a pandemic and virtual learning, this is how we feel when we cannot meet the needs of your child.

And I know this is how our children are feeling too.

And I know this is how parents are feeling too.

So it's a damn mess. It's not working. Schools have the highest failing rates in history. There have been multiple COVID cases reported every month at the school, and yet, they are still accepting more and more children back.

What is there to do? How do we simplify a catastrophe?

Starting with the basics.

Communication is key.

Parents. When communicating with a teacher there are several insider secrets that I am going to let you in on to help speed up the tedious process of your child's school life.

Email, email, I love emails.

They are silent, no time pressure, multitask phenomenons. However, when writing an email about your child it is very easily turned into a narrative with a lot of extra information.

That being said, I have also been the recipient of emails with too little information.

How is my child doing in your class?

I do not know how your child is doing in my class, HOtthang87, please provide your child's name and class period and I will happily update you on their grades and behavior! Thank you!

It is best to use the following email formula when contacting a teacher.

1. Include all teachers, guidance counselors, and principals before hitting send. You can easily access these on the schools website under faculty email. If your child is in middle or high school, they have access to all of their teachers emails on their school account. (They do, don't let them tell you they forgot the passwords, we make them write them down and use them daily in school!)

If you don't do this, then the teacher has to forward your email to all of those people and get responses before responding to you. Waste of time all around.

2. Put your child's first initial and last name as the subject of your email. Chances are your email is going to get forwarded at least once and then saved in an email folder titled : Parent Contact.

It makes the teachers life amazingly simple if we see the child's name in the email list instead of random subject lines. (If you are feeling exceptionally amazing, put the period your child has our class at the end of the subject line.)

3. Start the email with your name and relation to the student. Many students have custody arrangements that are unique. This means before we can email you back, we have to check your full name against your child's school records to make sure their is no custody arrangement barring us from doing so. (This could take my entire lunch at times).

However, if you start the email with, "This is John Smith, Sarah's step father", then you save me about 30 minutes and a lot of frustration; it also allows me to answer you much more quickly!

4. Be clear and to the point. Don't be afraid to space out each question and number them. We love excessive organization, we are teachers!

1. What is my child's current grade?

2. Why does she tell me she has no work to do?

3. How long did she have to write the essay she failed? She says she did all the work, I don't believe her.

Thanks!

5. Trust the teacher. Trust the teacher. Trust the teacher.

120 college credits, mandatory seminars, volunteer teaching, 6 months of student teaching with a teacher and professor grading every word of every lesson plan (typed and spoken), several mastery essays on pedagogy, and that is just to get the teaching certificate.

Once that party is over, then starts the real work. Mandatory classes given at the school outside of work hours and unpaid (sometimes on weekends), regular college classes to meet state requirements of ongoing teacher education, Monday is weekly IEP meeting day to discuss our students learning capabilities in extreme detail, Tuesday is team meeting day to discuss students who are making us nervous with behavior or grades and how to reward students who are improving or maintaining expectations, Wednesday is subject area meeting where we meet with all our subject teachers in the building and discuss scores, lessons plans, grade to grade scaffolding, state testing and other ridiculously detailed statistics, Thursday is faculty meeting day where you stay after school (past paid hours) to get a school wide update on events and weekly goals. Friday is go home at the bell day... unless you are part of any of the many extracurricular activities that you are expected to be a team player and volunteer to do... without pay of course.

And that doesn't include the learning of names, relationship building, teaching, planning, grading, classroom management, or contacting parents.

Instant headache, right?

So, I will say it a million times, trust your teacher. They know your child's brain and learning capabilities in ways we may never have the privilege of understanding. Trust that they love your child. Trust that they are working their ass off.

Give them 48 hours to reply... THEN call the school.

Filter

As much as I hate to admit it, I have been the parent searching for answers in a parent meeting just as many times as I have had to be the teacher in the meeting to break the harsh news of reality to the parent; it's your child, they are deciding not to do the work, they are then lying by choosing bits and pieces of truth but leaving out the most important information therefore making the teacher look like they are to blame so the child can avoid responsibility.

Even knowing this and seeing parents in denial regularly, I still had the habit of walking into those meetings as a parent with every intent of finding some fault to help my child... At first.

It took a long conversation between teacher me and mom me to start walking into those meetings and letting all the adults openly know in front of my child, "I want my child disciplined, I do not believe the teacher is to blame, tell my child what needs to be done and I will support it."

This may seem harsh to parents with no inside knowledge of the teacher world. But I am here to give you the insider information you need to understand why you should usually side with the teacher when it comes to poor grades and discipline.

1. We are required to map out each minute of our class.

That is a literal statement. We do not say that as a joke or as metaphorical way to express stress towards our job. Literally every minute of our class must be accounted for. In fact, I once lost points during an observation because there were 45 seconds unaccounted for at the end of the period.

45 seconds.

That I did not plan for. That I could not explain how it connected to my lesson and how it helped my students progress educationally in my class.

Not only do we have to actively use every minute of class, but we have to TYPE IT UP WITH AN EXPLANATION.

Every minute. (try mapping out your normal day from minute to minute. I imagine you give up quickly. Now imagine mapping out minute to minute for 200 children... and getting observed on how well you mapped it out.... and getting observed on how well you acted it out... and getting observed on the statistical results your students produce... I need a nap already!)

2. Rubrics are made BEFORE the assignment is created.

As teachers we have to start at the end. For example, My students will be able to read articles with different points of view and then synthesize the author's purpose using evidence from the text.

(That is a real goal for 7th and 8th grade students by the way.)

THEN, we figure out the best way to get students to meet that goal by creating the rubric, and then the lessons that best help the student achieve an A on that rubric.

SO... If your child ever says, "The teacher didn't explain it", or, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do"; swallow that hard pill because your child was either daydreaming, doodling, talking to a friend, doing something off task, or just straight up spacing out in class.

The good news is, it's really not a big deal. Teachers are super crazy, way over the top, forgiving. Just let them know you are on board, they WILL give your child a second chance. (Just not always a third, fourth, or fifth!)

3. We take notes on student behavior every class, on every student. This may seem impossible to a non-teacher. I understand that, so let me explain the insider tricks of the trade for you again.

Seating charts are the holy grail of Teacherdom. Every teacher carries with them or has open on their laptop/ computer/ tablet/ phone a seating chart with every students first and last name, and sometimes picture. As we are going through class we are making notes and marks on this seating chart.

Symbols are key here. If your student gets a smiley face and a star that means they were on task and participating. If I give the student a sad face but a star, they were having a bad day but still trying their best. If I give your student an open mouth face and draw lines to other students, I am tracking your chatty child and every person they got off task with their chatting. If I physically write specific notes about what they are doing and saying, you will most likely get an email from me within the hour.

Now, this is average. If your child has any special needs or requests from teachers, then the teacher has a document just for your child where we record everything they say and do in class in a chart and monitor it against all the other teachers notes on a weekly basis.

Exhausting right. We know your child and everything they do; and then, we use that information in the best way possible to help them succeed.

So instead of backtracking when you talk to the teachers, trust us. Move forward with us. Provide any missing information from home that might help us.

In the end, it will benefit your child ten-fold.

4. Google, YouTube, TeacherTube, Scholastic. Four amazing reasons why NO parent EVER should attempt to reteach skills to their child.

This is the best kept non-secret secret in the business.

Teachers LOVE to share!

Just because your kids are completing school at home does not mean you have magically morphed into a teacher. Use the tools around you. It is NOT cheating to make use of the resources available to you.

As a matter of fact, a child who researches information on their own will master that content exponentially faster than a child who struggles through without extra assistance.

Don't be afraid to tell your child to Google "how to divide a fraction", like I did last week after cockily attempting my daughters homework and failing miserably. Teachers post their lessons online freely. Use it. We love to share.

Preschool and elementary age kids in your house? YouTube is your best friend. There are thousands of prerecorded preschool classes, nursery rhyme videos, book read alouds, sign language, speech therapy videos, I could go on forever.

Preschool in my house consists of my Beasties waking up to about 2 hours of educational songs and teaching videos. Before those videos, my 3 year old was struggling with speech, now he is talking and repeating all the videos. Here are some of their favorites:

Don't be a crab. The crab in the barrel metaphor is the best visual I can think of when it comes to spreading negativity around education. You can fill a barrel with crabs but none of them will ever escape because the crabs on the bottom always pull the crabs on the top down before they can reach the top of the barrel.

Need I explain further? Don't be a crab towards teachers, on social media, and especially not in front of your child.

Be a Remoras! Remoras are the fish that clean algae off of whales in the ocean. They go along for the ride, have protection by working collaboratively with the whale, and help clean off irritating algae along the way. Be a Remoras and the teacher will return the favor by educating your child without the barriers of negativity and scrutiny.

While none of these tips and suggestions will eliminate the pandemic and virtual school, we can all help to alleviate the stress for one another by treating everyone the way we want our kids and students to model. We are all frustrated but remember, blame doesn't always exist. Usually, in fact, blame is just angers ugly sister and in reality, its just an unlucky situation we need to work together to get through.

Here's to all the parents and teachers feeling frustrated together; we deserve the drink. Let us remember always the spirit of our children is most important in our struggle to further their education.