A Funny Thing Happened in Class Today

Now that I have retired from the teaching profession, I am constantly getting calls and emails from young teachers just starting out in the business, asking me for advice of some sort regarding lesson preparation, classroom management or student evaluation. Usually, I tell them that all of that sort of thing will just naturally fall into place once the amount of stress present in a teacher’s life has been significantly reduced. I have put together my Top Ten list of stress reduction techniques and practices for teachers. The list follows in the space below.

Number 10 – Teachers should call in sick at least once a month (this is most effective if one calls in on beautiful sunny days and / or Fridays). When in doubt, one should base one’s philosophy of life (and teaching) on the dicta of a role model, like Ferris Buehler, who quite rightly stated, “How can anyone be expected to go to school on a day like today?!!!”

Number 9 – At the beginning of September in each school year, a teacher should purchase 10 containers of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles Chips. On each Staff Meeting Date, excuse oneself from the last class, about 15 minutes early and head on down to the library with one of the containers. On entering the library, one must say, “I thought it was our department’s turn to bring food today!!” And then go on to exclaim, “Well since I’m here, I might as well grab a few snacks and hunker down for the meeting!” This technique not only helps one to avoid the stress of after-school traffic in the stair-wells but also gets you in line early for the best food. What’s more is that the administrators will be suitably impressed that you showed up early to get a good seat for another one of their life-fulfilling and over-the-top-with-excitement meetings.

Number 8 – During Monday-morning assemblies (or during any school assembly for that matter), go, unannounced, onto the stage during the national anthems and start break-dancing – bust a move and watch the stress quickly drift away into never-never-land.

Number 7 – Go into the Vice-Principal’s office during the occasional spare block and try out the new couch and have a quick 40 winks. If that sofa is occupied, use the one in the Principal’s office. Either way, make sure to get one of the secretaries to come in and provide a wake-up call before the next teaching block begins.

Number 6 – Stand on the balcony (or another suitable vantage point) on the second floor overlooking the school entrance below and shout out obscenities to random teachers and students as they walk into the school in the morning. To avoid unwanted harassment from administration, simply smile and wave at the big brass as they arrive – giving the occasional wink and a hearty thumb’s up. After a few minutes of this, the tension in your shoulders will simply disappear – sort of like doing an hour of yoga on top of some serious Zen Bhudda meditation.

Number 5 – Avoid using sentences that contain any partial or complete combination of the words administrator, librarian, senior science teacher, long weekend, together, vacation and Your Name!!!!

Number 4 – Now that the P.E. teacher is back in town after that two-week spell in rehab, wait until any Monday and purchase as many shares in Budweiser Company as you can afford and then sell them off at about Midnight on the following Saturday. Use your profits to take a nice relaxing 128-day ocean cruise around the world.

Number 3 – Excuse yourself from your 3rd period class at about twenty minutes before noon lunch break so that you can “use the washroom”. Instead go to the cafeteria for a quick bite to eat and get back in time to dismiss your class. Having eaten already, you will be able to enjoy a little snooze before the afternoon classes begin.

Number 2 – Make an investment in a stand-up cardboard cut-out of yourself and place it at the front of the classroom beside or behind your teacher’s desk. You will then be able to duck out for a quick leisurely cup of Joe and catch up on the MLB scores from the weekend. Administrators walking by your classroom will look in through the window in the door and see your likeness standing strong in front of your class and later commend you for your rigorous efforts in classroom control.

Number 1 – Do not open emails from the vice-principal. Treat them like SPAM! In fact, make a special SPAM folder just for VP emails and empty the folder automatically and regularly every hour or so. Mail from the vice-principal always means work of some sort or the necessity to complete lengthy surveys. Major stress and diminished work time can be all but eliminated by nipping VP-mails in the bud. Avoiding emails from the school principal on the other hand, will probably have no significant affect on reducing stress levels.

My point, though presented somewhat facetiously, is that a teacher should never lose his sense of humor. If one chooses to teach school for 30 years or 20 years, one must be aware of the fact that he will be in a situation where the number of comedic circumstances in a day will far outnumber the volume of serious situations. If one becomes too serious during a teaching tenure which spans decades, one will eventually die a miserable person. Schools were originally conceived and built for the purposes of providing stand-up material for comedians and sit-com television. That is exactly the way the endeavor should be approached.