Unconscious bias… uncomfortable prejudice: a character study

I wrote this short story four years ago. Here is the link to the original story. I have chosen this particular story because it has been one of my least popular, most criticized and more controversial.

Here is the start, in first person perspective from the main character’s point of view:

The sky had decided to make it personal. No rain for what seemed like forever, but now, it opened up and pelted down it’s fury upon me as though it was meant for me.

My mother lived with me, and she yelled about shit. She yelled about everything, too. But shit was the main thing.

“This shit is too loud!” She yelled.

So, I turned down the TV.

“This shit is cold!” She yelled.

So, I heated up her dinner more.

“Wow, this shit is good!” She yelled.

“You’re welcome,” I’d reply, glad that I had made a decent meal today for her.

But, then, one day, after work, after it had rained like it was the saddest fucking cunt(man or woman or non binary, I don’t care, I don’t give two fucks about who cries or not, cause I cry too fuckin much) who had just finished Titanic for the forteenth fuckin’ time in a row, still surprised by the ship going and sinking with Leo’s frozen face going down right after it(yes, Rose, we all saw enough room for him on that fucking door!) —- I lost my patience sitting on that wet porch waiting for that blasted package.

My mother was going senile, there was no doubt about it. But with my father deceased since last year, I was the only one to care for her. So, for her, I waited for her package. It was supposed to be medicine. Emergency medicine. That only I could sign for. So, if I had to take a shit, I might miss the delivery. So, here I am.

I worked in marketing, and I was fucking good. I created taglines like there was gold coming out of my ass, like I was born to do it or something. But my boss was an arrogant fuck.

He flirted with me all the time, and tried to cop a feel once. I punched his lights out, and instead of firing me, he laughed and named me the new Art Director the next business day. Fuck him.

“Xaivier, you’re the best man on the job,” My boss would tell me.

And then I’d nod, smile as fakely as possible. Show off my pearly whites, too. All insulting like. And then, shove off to my desk and wish I could just quit.

But, there’s a reason I don’t quit. You wanna know why?

No? Well, too bad.

It’s because of that sexy, tall, gorgeous—-oh, fuck it.

I’ll never be able to get a date.

———————

This is the end of the excerpt. I remembered four years ago when I published this story, I posted it on several Facebook writing groups for their opinion. To my surprise, everyone said that they found the main character scary, rude and unappealing. I originally thought they may have a point, and agreed. However, looking back at that moment, I realized that this criticism may have been more than just baseline judgement, it felt like an unconscious bias.

The overuse of curse words in the beginning by not only Xavier, but his mother, especially the use of the C word, I believe didn’t help. Even if he was just trying to make a point about the rain being a “C” and that it wasn’t about gender, I can understand why some people would be put off. But, scary? Why?

Is it because he is a single man, a Mexican man, a man who curses? Is it his lack of social finesse? What do we know, as readers, already about Xavier to make a judgement?

1. He is single and lives with his mother, who is turning senile. They both curse.

2. He works in marketing and creates taglines.

3. He gets constantly hit on and possibly assaulted by his boss.

4. He doesn’t quit his job even though he’s being abused by his boss because he had a crush on someone who is in the building.

When you list it off in a non-emotional manner, it sounds different, doesn’t it? I have been trying to figure out why this story was so hard for people to read or like. How does one change the way a character is portrayed without actually changing the character and their personality.

I could rewrite it in third person perspective. I could also use less curse words and implied meaning behind the metaphors and descriptions. I can understand that there is an unconscious sense of fear when a male character asserts their own identity, their own worth and their presence. Still, it seems that if one were to actually read Xavier’s story, you would see he is a victim, in love with someone he doesn’t know yet and takes the best care of his mom that he can.

He isn’t shown to be violent, cruel or otherwise malicious toward anyone. Maybe someone can clue me in? I personally feel this character was judged harshly, but I understand that people use the introduction to get their initial impressions.

Here is an even smaller, edited version of this excerpt, edited to highlight the positive aspects of Xavier in a more pronounced tone:

I hate the rain, especially since I needed to make sure my mother’s emergency medicine was delivered on time, today. It seemed that the rain had it in for me, pelting the house like it was a jackhammer. I was getting soaked waiting outside, as I was the only one who could sign for the package. My mother had been a decent parent, but was now very old and was starting to become senile.

I can’t stop thinking about Titanic and the door. Why didn’t Rose just let that homeless guy take turns with her? I know she had enough room to at least let him lay on it with her halfway, seriously.

My mother curses a lot, but she’s good hearted.

Here is a snapshot of my day:

“This shit is too loud!” She yelled.

So, I turned down the TV.

“This shit is cold!” She yelled.

So, I heated up her dinner more.

“Wow, this shit is good!” She yelled.

“You’re welcome,” I’d reply, glad that I had made a decent meal today for her.

I love her, but she drives me crazy.

My boss always gets under my skin, always making the most suggestive remarks and one time, he tried to feel me up, and I got so upset, I punched him. He doesn’t get the hint. I can’t stand how arrogant he is, too. He promoted me to Art Director (I make taglines for a big marketing agency) the day after I hit him. I had to defend myself from his insanely aggressive behavior. He was getting out of control. But? I couldn’t quit. I really had this thing for a guy who worked in another office upstairs. I had to at least say… hi… and then I would be fine to leave.

——————-

Ok, that is it. Tell me, is there a reason to change it? Is the second version better than the first? Is Xavier actually scary?

Let me know what you think about this editing journey!