Woman Defiantly Pleads Not Guilty

Phoebe Oakley, a petite 44-year-old female, represented herself in court today. The charge was reckless endangerment with a handgun during a road rage incident. Ms. Oakley, (a.k.a. Anne) claimed her actions were well within reason, considering the circumstances.

When the prosecutor pressed her on what circumstances might justify exiting her car and shooting out the front left tires of the six cars in front of her, she replied, "They made me late for all of my appointments." The prosecutor then asked her to be more specific.

"I'm a very busy woman and, as I'm sure every woman in this courtroom will understand, on extremely hectic days there is no extra time," Ms. Oakley replied. "On the day this happened, my schedule was filled to capacity. Let me explain what my day was like and you will see that I had no time to waste."

"My first stop was at a local Starbucks for a mocha latte. Not the one closest to my house because the barista there is a real pain. He can't make anything right so I go to the one half a mile away. Once I leave Starbucks, ten minutes is all the time I have to make my hair appointment. Giorgio is very persnickety about his customers arriving on time. I've seen him refuse to cut a lady's hair because she was only ten minutes late. I would not let that happen to me!"

"Once Giorgio finished with my hair, I only had twenty minutes to get to the nail salon. Giorgio does a fabulous job with hair, but his nail technicians just aren't nearly as good as the ones at Sally's Nails. Every stop was perfectly timed so I could meet the girls for lunch looking fabulous."

"I see," replied the prosecutor. "You obviously had a busy morning, but what I don't understand is how having a busy schedule justifies shooting out the tires on other people's cars?"

"I have already answered that question. They made me late for every appointment. If those people had just kept moving, I would have stayed on schedule and everything would have been just fine. Because they didn't get out of my way, I thought, if they can make me late, then I can make them late as well. Don't you see? What I did was only fair."

At that, the prosecutor rose from his chair and exclaimed—Fair!

"Did you not notice the road construction and the flag man stopping the traffic in front of you?"

"Sure, I noticed him, but I would never shoot a person. Why would you think I would shoot the construction crew? They were just doing their job. Of course, they could have done the repair work at night when I didn't need to go anywhere. No, the tires were the next best thing. My psychologist says that it's unhealthy to suppress my emotions. Shooting those tires allowed me to vent. You can't blame me for following my doctor's advice, can you?"

The exasperated prosecutor then turned to the judge and asked for a ruling.

Judge Janis Dior looked sympathetically at the defendant before issuing her judgment.

"I can relate to the defendant's feeling of frustration, but I have to rule against Ms. Oakley. I must order Ms. Oakley to pay restitution to the victims for replacement tires and to attend anger management classes given by a different psychologist from the one she is currently seeing.

When I asked Ms. Oakley if she was satisfied with the trial's outcome, she replied, "I don't know how I'm going to fit those additional classes into my busy schedule."

A short time later, this reporter overheard Judge Dior ask Ms. Oakley, "Where did you have your nails done? They're lovely!"