The First 24 Hours

Libraries, bookstores, and the internet failed me. Just when I needed them the most, I spent over three days looking at every book that any local store had, any story or report that I could find on the internet, but none of what I found came from side of the story that I currently stood on. So none of my questions on how I was supposed to deal could be answered.

Then I realized it's because there was no one answer: every person handles love, sadness, excitement, or even surprise differently, so with no one set answer, it was hard for anyone to put pen to paper and tell it as it is. So that's what I have decided to do. I have read, researched, questioned, and spoke with my own personal councilors and this story is my side of the situation; this is my personal opinion (unless otherwise stated) so please keep that in mind as you read on.

Shock, betrayal, and rage, feelings I am not overly used to, have been the top three feelings I have gone through over and over in 2018. Have you ever watched an action-packed movie where the police are on the hunt for the bad guy(s), and they will do anything to find them? You watch and think wow, crazy, and are just glued to the screen, wondering, do they do this in real life? I can give you the honest answer. They do.

January 2018, I was sleeping in our living room on the couch when at 6:10 AM my life changed forever. The door flew open and eight fully dressed police entered my home with guns out, shouting at the top of their lungs to put my hands in the air. I was in utter shock, and never did as they asked.

My memories from there on are a blur; I remember the moment they sat me down and told me what they were looking for. My heart dropped and my mind went blank. Even during the calls to his family and my own, I remember speaking but I can't remember for the life of me what was said.

Within 15 minutes, the police had read the warrant, and sent us outside to contact a lawyer. I knew the charges had nothing to do with me, which could only mean one thing, and I did not want to believe that it was even a possibility.

The hardest and the saddest sentence that I will probably ever muster had to be asked. Looking the man of my dreams, the love of my life, my partner in crime, I asked, "Will they find what they are looking for?" The answer was a quick "Yes," and I almost threw up right there. I could not breathe and my mind started racing, all of the "What If"s started forming, and my brain didn't stop for days after that.

My husband was arrested with three charges that day: making available child pornography, possessing child pornography, and accessing child pornography.

The moment they took him out in handcuffs, the police in my house started acting different towards me—kind, even. They wanted to make sure they had anything that was electronic and belonged to him, or that he had access to. I didn't want to ever have them break my door in again so I verbally assisted.

I got ahold of his place of work, who helped me find a place to stay until the door could be fixed, and they contacted anyone that was not family that would need to be informed. I sat on the couch in the furnished rental home I was given for a week, and I don't think I moved for the next 15 hours until my brother in law showed up the next day to pick me up for his court appearance.

I was far from ready.