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Psycho Valentine

by Et Imperatrix Noctem about a year ago in fiction

Ten Days of Mayhem

Psycho Valentine
Photo by Sara Bakhshi on Unsplash

Day One

I got a phone call from mother, no, let me reframe that, mother left hundreds of voicemails and texts on my mobile phone just to tell me that grandma had died. Ok, that ancient piece of museum quality antique kicked it, so what? Everyone’s gotta die someday, I’ve been waiting for this to happen for quite a few years now but that old piece of shit just won’t drop it. And now, I’m having the time of my life here in university, with all the wild party invites to fulfil and ultra handsome bikes to spot and ride, naturally, I can not be bothered to attend to dead people. But father knows me better than anyone else, he told mother to tell me that he got the new iPhone X waiting for me at home, if I attend the funeral, it is mine. Ah, dilemma, dilemma, to iPhone or to ravish hot chiselled bodies. Ok, you old pieces of shit, you got me. iPhone X here I come.

Day Two

The drive was not very long. As soon as I got home, I went straight to the phone. It was fabulously glowing in rose gold, just as I imagined.

‘Well, well, well, ain’t it something, even just to look at.’ I nodded with a smirk and a twinkle in my eyes.

‘Persephone, Persephone.’ Mother tapped on my shoulder.

‘Yes? What is it?’

‘Cerberus has been waiting patiently for a fuss since you got here.’

‘Oh, has he?’ I looked down and that beast of a wolf-dog is sitting right next to me, with a leash in his mouth.

‘Damn boy, I just got home. Jesus! And you want a walk already, can’t you give me a break? Piss off.’

The dog looked down and carried the leash away.

‘Actually, boy, come here. I wanna try the camera out with you. You are the most photogenic dog ever.’

The dog understands me telepathically and ran to in a flash with a big smile.

‘That’s right, come here boy. Sit.’

The dog sat where I pointed and posed to the camera as I directed.

‘Wow, dad, check this out! The image quality is amazing! Instagram, add. Cerberus, now you can piss off. Now go. Don’t need you any more.’

Group Text:

Hi guys, this is Persephone, remember the new iPhone X I’m getting? This is it, save my number. You devils wait for me, I’ll be back. P.S. Check my Instagram.

Day Three

I got there late as usual, all my relatives were looking at me in a strange facial expression, bored? Were they bored? Because I certainly was. It was just a lot of standing around in a small sea of black, the uniform of hardcore depression.

‘Helloooo, good looking, who are you?’ I murmured under my breath as I was busy scanning the crowd with my phone camera and making a video. Tall, blonde hair with a sweet smile, just my type.

I stalked the mystery guest incognito for a while before it was my turn to pay respect to grandma’s corpse. I went with my parents, they both have red eye rims and tissue in their hands. I started to feel extremely uncomfortable and was not sure how to act. I followed them with my head half down like a loser, that was it, I thought I nailed it.

Day Four

I brought out my phone and showed mother the video I made.

‘You were making a video while everyone’s crying?’ Mother asked.

‘Why not? It’s the official documentary of our family. You should all thank me.’

‘It’s true. Nice of you to think about this. Everyone was so upset and no one was in the mood to document anything. But then again, you didn’t look particularly upset.’

‘Was I not?’


‘But I was. I loved grandma the most, you know that. Anyway, who is this? I’ve never seen him before.’ I pointed the handsome stranger to mother.

‘Oh, that’s your cousin Cara’s boyfriend. You see Cara standing next to him? The one in the oversized dark sunglasses.’

‘Yes.’ I nodded and sank in deep contemplation.

‘Cara was so upset she had to bring him along for emotional support. But in any case, I heard they are getting serious.’

‘What’s his name?’

‘I think it’s Michael. If you talked to me more often I would have told you that. But you always tell me you are busy or in the middle of something. Persephone, Persephone!’

‘Yes?’ I just woke up from my daydream. ‘Fuck, mom, you are hurting me.’

‘No swearing words. Anyway, you young people, so restless, so short attention span.’ Mother shook her head.

Day Five

‘Cara... Cara... There you are.’ I scrolled through mother’s friends list on Facebook. ‘Add.’ I pushed the button and smiled.

Two hours later, my phone buzzed and my friend request was accepted.

‘Ok, we are in. Let’s see what rubbish this little slut is up to, shall we?’ I tapped on Cerberus’s head.

‘In a relationship with Michael. I see. Oh god, these photos are awful, she looks so trailer trash that she alone gives this family a bad name. No, they are certainly not a good match, what do you think Cerberus, hm? You agree with me?’ I looked down at my dog. ‘Yes, excellent idea my boy, where did you come up with this level of genius? I think your moral compass is wee skewed but I wholeheartedly concur.’

Day Six

‘Dave? Yes, it’s me. No, I couldn’t have just texted. I need to talk to you in person. Meet me in the Drunken Sailors at 4pm, yes?’

‘Dave!’ I waved from the window side booth we usually sit.

‘What’s up Persephone? You sounded strange. I don’t like what’s about to happen.’ Dave frowned and sat down.

‘No? And yet you are here.’

‘You know damn well why I’m here.’

‘Oh, I couldn’t remember, refresh my memory.’

‘Because I owe you one.’

‘You owe me one what Dave?’

‘I’d rather not say.’

‘Exactly. Now it’s time to balance the universe. Drink the coffee I ordered you so you don’t look like a purposeless moron.’ I pointed at the coffee in front of him.

‘What do you want?’ He took a sip and looked apprehensive.

‘Straight to the point. I like your style. This.’ I pushed a little folded note to him.

He took the note and opened it, then his pupils dilated. ‘With this dosage, this is… What do you want it for?’

‘Do you really want to know?’ I stared into his eyes.

‘Not at all.’ He shook his head. ‘After this’, he paused.

‘Yes, we are clear.’ I nodded. ‘By the way, this never happened, you understand?’

Dave nodded in silence.

Day Seven

‘Thank you Google Earth.’ I located Cara’s house after I sifted through her posts about her daily routines on Facebook.

My kit is packed in my go bag which I carry in my car at all occasions. Within an hour, the deed was done.

Day Eight

‘Yes? What’s wrong, mom?’ I replied with a calm voice and smile on my face.

‘Your cousin Cara, you remember Cara at your grandma’s funeral? She, she’s dead.’

‘Cara? How come? Oh my god, how unfortunate. She’s so young, what happened?’

‘Nobody knows, she’s healthy as far as we know. Then she just dropped dead, just like that. She looked really upset about your grandma’s death, maybe her heart just gave up or something? I heard these things do happen.’

‘Yes, I agree, she looked very upset. I think she had a heart attack or something too.’

‘Poor Michael, how is he gonna handle all this. We don’t know him that well, we old folks are not good at communicating with you youngsters. Persephone, would you do us a favour?’

‘Sure, mom, anything you need.’

‘Do you mind go check on Michael on our family’s behalf?’

‘Of course not mom.’

‘Ok, great. Your Auntie Jane texted me his address, I am now sending it to you.’

‘Thanks, mom. Listen, calm yourself down. I’ll go right away this afternoon after my pharmacology lecture, ok? Don’t worry.’

Day Nine

‘Good morning.’ I greeted Michael as he woke up next to me in bed.

‘What happened? Did we?’ Michael suddenly sat up looking shocked.

‘I don’t know, if you want an honest answer. We drank, a lot, I guess.’ I pointed to the empty liquor bottles around the bed.

‘I don’t usually do this. I mean, I was out of character last night.’

‘Of course, you were in shock and grieving. I understand that. And we made a connection. It’s only natural. But I wouldn’t blame you if you want me to go and never see me again.’

‘No, it’s not your fault and I don’t want you to go. I have to go to the police station if the coroner found any foul play. God, I’m so fucked up.’

‘Ok, it’s ok, sh, sh, sh… I know you are innocent. Everything will be fine. Don’t you worry.’ I held his head close to my chest and felt his tears ran down on me.

Day Ten

‘Yes mom, the cause of death is anaphylaxis. Yes, natural cause, that’s what the toxicology report said. I was right next to Allen when he typed it up. There’s no mistake. Yes, Michael is cleared and he is doing fine. Ok, mom, I’m in the middle of something, I just want you to be reassured. Listen, I gotta go, ok? Talk to you later.’


Et Imperatrix Noctem

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